My experience with EMDR

[Echtis]

Hello.

The initial session left me feeling like a hollow shell of rudimentary human emotions. I felt safe, but I also felt like no one, as though I was in disassociation. Since then my feelings have felt extraordinarily one note, though I have trouble telling what I feel at all still. I think the worst part of it was that I felt stripped of any personality, drive or wants since the session, like I have been mentally wiped. In theory this is a good thing, but instead I feel lost and soulless, acting out old habits and hobbies for reasons I do not know why, for I no longer care about them. Has anyone else felt this way from EMDR or any other treatment? 

[DifferentMe]

Hello 👋🏼 @Echtis. Are you saying that you had none of these symptoms before EMDR therapy?
Have to called the EMDR therapist told them how you feel?

[Echtis]

I experienced these symptoms occasionally prior to the initial treatment, but not so pervasive or permanent. I have conveyed this to my psychologist, but I am confused as to how so little could have such a drastic effect on me. 

[DifferentMe]

It is in your psychologist’s best interests to explain to you, so that you aren’t confused and prepared for any unexpected reactions

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Echtis,

 I think sometimes certain methodologies can activate certain responses, especially when there is a trauma history. I hope your psychologist can give you some guidance. While I haven’t done EMDR, I have sometimes been activated following a session with dissociative symptoms that had quite a strong effect. This settled as my system established a new equilibrium. It can feel quite rocky and strange though while that is happening. The way I have come to understand it in my own experience is my nervous system is processing things and then trying to establish a new normal. It could be that your system is intensely processing at the moment. If your symptoms are worrying you can try speaking further with your psychologist. I have also found the Blue Knot Foundation helpful who I called recently when in a rough patch. They specialise in complex PTSD. I don’t know if you specifically have complex trauma, but I found the person I spoke with very attuned to trauma effects in the body. That is just an option if your symptoms persist and you need some reassurance and guidance through that. I found it helped ground me and took me out of a dissociative episode. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

[therising]

Hi Echtis

I can't help but wonder what the goal of therapist was. If it was to have you disassociate/detach from your sense of self, so you could gain the advantage of purely observing your thoughts, feelings actions etc (instead of you remaining involved in them, attached to them and triggered by them), it sounds like they've achieved the goal. If this was the goal, the problem could be they've left you with no sense of identity, no sense of 'self'. They've kind of switched you off in a constructive way (which is liberating) but they haven't switched you on to anything else in the process, so you're stuck in limbo. As others suggest, definitely important to contact your therapist and tell them you're experiencing no sense of identity.

Another way of looking at it could involve being on the verge of coming from a more soulful perspective. Detaching from an ego perspective which sounds more like 'I am sick' or 'I feel incredibly sad' or 'I love this hobby' is about no longer identifying yourself as your body and mind. From this perspective it's about identifying 'self' as being more than just physical and mental. From a soulful sense of 'self' it becomes more so 'This body I am in is sick. It is experiencing dis-ease', 'I feel a sense of sadness, heaviness etc through the physical sensations in this body I'm in, that are triggered by this mind I have and the mental programs that run  through it' and 'This hobby/passion I experience through the mind and body I have fuels me through the sensations/feelings of love'.

No matter what sense of self you're on the verge of gaining, from my own experience I can say a major mind altering shift in consciousness can be an absolute trip. Such a trip needs a guide who can show you the way forward along a path you've never traveled before. There's a possibility your therapist never expected such a massive shift in consciousness to happen to the degree that it has. As mentioned, get in contact with them and express in one way or another 'Okay, I've reached this part of the path, I'm in the dark and I don't know the way forward and I'm scared. I desperately need you to light the way ahead'. A good therapist would class this as an urgent or emergency call for guidance. A questionable one may say 'I can't see you until next month' (aka 'I'm going to leave you in limbo on your own for a month or so. Good luck with that').