Merry go round day & night (trigger warning: sexual assault)

[Webmistress]

Umm... I don't know where to start. All I can say is I am struggling with PTSD. Recently taken ill COPD stage 3. Chronic pain suffered with a dash of depression & learnt at 14 to switch off. I can not stop the memories the mind games have eaten at my core. Can't watch news, movies or any gatherings without flashbacks. I don't know how to move forward alone. I need help that is sure but what diagnosis do I look at. Started with PTSD & rest followed. Advice given is only see Pschologist that specialises in Trauma, not to do hypnotherapy, or see psychiatrist as it will only relive memories.

Newsflash I relive them every day, night & now they control me. Team said outcome to have 1 less flashback a week is what I can aim for! I just need it all to stop. But they can't find trauma specialists where I am.

I don't want to be the victim anymore but I am. How do you all here cope daily, hourly and deal with flashbacks??? Trying chat here as I don't know what to do? I read all subjects yet it's burnt in. 1 word over heard & its mind games round yr 42

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

Youve come to the right place to chat.

Lets call it burnout although I accept your case is far worse.

Lumiting yourself from negative things like TV isn't a bad thing. Its tipping the scales in your favour. So how can you even do more?.

You can start a small vegetables garden. No room? Buy a miniature colourbond one from bunnings.

Grow flowers.

Save injured animals.

In effect create a low stress world until you improve.

Google these for a read...

Topic: back to basics- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: inexpensive recovery idea-camping- beyondblue

Topic: confidence, where do you get it?- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Webmistress
You don’t need to think how to start anymore, I can see exactly where you are - no not the COPD - but the PTSD

A very long time ago I was a policeman and was eventually invalided out for what was then called ‘stress related disorders’ (read PTSD in modern parlance)

At my worst - and in my case it built up over time as I was silly/unrealistic and did not get proper treatment – I spent long periods re-living past experiences, images from the past filled my mind - was unreachable to a very large extent by those around me

Your mention of not watching the news hit home. Before I had my mental injury I could watch and read anything, and even if it was gritty, realistic, hopeless I was fine. Afterwards things changed completely. No cop shows, no news, no ‘normal life' books. Frankly at my worst I hid away by reading adolescents’ fantasies (e.g. Xanth).

Later I progressed to adults’ fantasies (e.g. Belgariad) and so on. This transported me into an innocent world divorced from everyday life and my past where villains got their just deserts and heroes and heroines blossomed after adversity

I still have a DVD called Law & Order (UK-not the US Series) in the cupboard which I’ve kept. When I can view it without going down I’ll be back – might still take a long while though. I haven't watched it yet- nor even looked at the cover

Unlike you I had access to what was at the time considered to be ‘good’ treatment by a psychiatrist, which very largely consisted of trying out series of strong medications and crossing medical fingers

Today there are a lot more weapons in the arsenal to combat PTSD and its symptoms – some work better than others, but they are there (see links from The Facts near top of page for more). Please also have browse the rest of Forums/PTSD & Trauma, also Anxiety and Depression, and join in if you feel like it. Even without 'magic bullet' advice contact can be a positive thing

Tony has given you good advice, create a low stress world until you improve. You have more idea than anyone what that means to you and how to accomplish it. I did something like that too

Don’t have all the answers, one thing I do know, many have found when things are overwhelming that ringing our help line 1300 22 4636 has benefit – our professionals are warm, friendly and knowledgeable

Please post as often as you want

My best wishes

Croix

[Webmistress]

I made a step forward today. I actually answered the phone. Tomorrow I will walk along river. I spoke to Dr & I've stopped crying (eyes are so swollen). Being female does help as talking comes easy when trust established.

I didn't read others posts as I could only just see screen on mobile from tears.

I started thread to not crash on someone else needing support. Refreshed over & over to see if I was not alone after thread. Knowing not alone is helpful yet at same time sad knowing how much others suffer.

Knowing a serving officer struggling was a surprise to me. Seriously grateful taken time to respond. More credit to you for trying to make a difference & having strength to seek help & recognised it. That would be a hard step to take with stigma attached.

I will take your advice Tony WK too. Thanks for responses as I know I am alone but that I do have to change a few things to get stronger. Rather daunting with fighting for so long.

Gang rape 14, incest 4 till 14, coma by 19, home invasion 25,spinal injury 99 and surgery 2001, raising an intellectually impaired daughter, losing 4 close friends since July & unable to attend funerals as unable to fly with lung function so low & drive not an option on pain patches.

one of attackers got 12 years but released after 10 years as was on major offenders list. Now I don't know what they look like or where they are as apparently after 12 years legally I don't need to be notified. Sorry had to get that out...

not sure if appropriate but that's a few demons I am fighting or reliving. I can't forget it all. Relationship goals are nil I am just trying to keep ahold of 1% of sanity at present. I don't want to be the victim anymore. Then bang over hear a word or news and battle cry on. I'm stronger tonight so I'm a step forward from last night. Thank you both again. It's made a difference & that's important for you to know from where I am standing.

[Webmistress]

Unable to speak on phone when head is spinning. Tried chat but was asked what I needed help with. I was unable to pin point where to start. So I ended chat window, as I felt guilty as so many people suffering.

[Guest_9809]

Hi Webmistress, and welcome to the Forums.

I too have been diagnosed with PTSD, the cause of which dates back some years. I understand what you are talking about with regards to flashbacks and the triggering from normal everyday occurrences such as news stories or even normal TV programs. My PTSD was caused by a violent rape, and unfortunately there are triggers everywhere.

I also suffer from chronic pain as a result of a back injury a few years ago. Pain levels fluctuate - at its best it is manageable, at its worst I am in agony and unble to move. So I understand you on that level as well. Certainly chronic pain contributes to the depression side of things in a big way. And on top of the high state of anxiety that comes with PTSD, this can leave us in a very vulnerable state.

I understand your feelings with regards to the online chat, but I found that once I actually took the plunge, the people there are really quite helpful. The few times I have used them, I didnt even put in what I needed help with. Please dont feel guilty, I know it is a normal response for us to feel that way, but just know that any feelings of guilt on your part are misguided.

My apologies, I didnt intend this to be all about me, I just wanted you to know that I understand where you're at. I know everyone is very different, but I also know that there are many similarities in what we all go through.

As for your treatment. COPD is a very serious and 'progressive' lung disease. I think if I were you I would be seeking treatment for this in the first instance. Are you, or have you been, a heavy smoker? If so, is there any chance that you could seek assistance in giving it up? That would be a start.

As for coping with flashbacks. It helps to know what your triggers are, and to identify the early warning signs. Then I have found that relaxing breathing techniques can help prevent a full on panic attack. Also try some 'grounding' techniques. Grounding is designed to "ground" you and retain your connection with the present moment, thus reducing the likelihood of flashbacks or dissociation. Grounding is similar to mindfulness, where you want to use your five senses (sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight). Do something that will bring all your attention back to the present moment. I'm out of room here for examples, but I suggest you google it.

Sometimes just making a connection, like through the Forums here, can help you feel less alone. I hope so anyway.

Taurus xx

[Croix]

Dear Webmistress

Thank you from replying, I'm really pleased to hear from you again. You are wrong in one thing in that short reply you know - you are just as important as anyone else, you have as much right to our time as anyone else in the county.

That being said I can sympathize about chat lines, I can never type fast enough and if I try it comes out as gibberish, ten the corrections take forever 😞

As far as talking is concerned, then no - if you are feeling dizzy it's gong to be a problem at the time. I do find when visiting my doctor or psychiatrist that I have to write things down as a list well beforehand, when I'm in the face-to-face (or ear-to-ear I guess) situation most of the points fly out of my head. I hand a copy over at the start of the session and we go through it together.

I have had a psychiatrist, some others have used a psychologist, I'm not sure which is best. I do know that neither will jump in and promote blindly re-living memories.

I believe flashbacks happen from two conditions, firstly the general level of anxiety - the higher the more flashbacks; and secondly triggers, which can be either known or unknown.

Therapies are usually based around reducing base-level anxiety (as Tony mentioned), dealing with flashbacks to reduce their intensity, and to channel your thoughts so they lose their potency. I'm no expert.

For me breathing has played an important part too. I do know that trying to do all this by yourself is not a good idea.

May I suggest that, when feeling ok you ring the help line and ask abut treatments in your area (write it all down first)

Also do browse the forums as you think appropriate. Looking at peoples reactions to CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) would be a good idea.

As I said before post as often as you'd like. It sounds like preparing the written word is easier for you than other means of communication

My best wishes

Croix

[Guest_9809]

Hey Web, your post from earlier today has only just come through. I had replied to you prior to yours coming through.

Thanks for clarifying some of the trauma's you have had to endure. How awful for you. Life is just so very unfair. Nobody should have to suffer as much as what you have obviously done. But there are ways to improve your life, and I hope you decide to go down that line. If you have not already done so, I would strongly suggest that you approach your GP and obtain a mental health plan. This will allow you subsidised psych visits.

Yes, a trauma specialist would obviously be best for you, but in the absense of that, then a good clinical psychologist would still be able to give you much needed advise and treatment to lessen the severe impact that your symptoms are currently having on you. They would be able to offer CBT therapy which can be very helpful. They can also help with Mindfulness assistance, breathing techniques and grounding exercises. These may all seem very minor, compared with the severity of your trauma symptoms Web. However I know from personal experience that every little thing helps.

Exercise is also important. I realise you would be quite limited in what you can do, both from your spinal injury and subsequent surgery, and your COPD. But perhaps some supervised yoga or pilates could be an option for you? I have also found it very beneficial to write, whether it just be to rant and rave, poetry, or writing about what is bothering me at this particular time. It is quite therapeutic. It doesnt have to see the light of day, but it does get it out of your system.

I totally agree with Croix too, in that the written word is so much easier than the spoken word. I am always writing things down that I need to bring up with my psych or my GP. And when it comes to my psych appointments I often write it all down and email her in advance, or write it down and give it to her. I think with PTSD our brains become a little 'fried' sometimes, so concentration and memory is just not as good as it should be.

I hope you get to browse some of the other threads here, both in the PTSD and Trauma section, as well as the Long Term Support section. You may well find a lot of information there, to be quite helpful to you.

You arent alone Web, and you will always find care, support and understanding here.

And hey, well done on answering the phone earlier today. Celebrate every small step. Hooray!

Taurus xx

[Webmistress]

I am back to read advise given plus touch base as struggling but no where near as much as when I made contact at start thread.In Late January I was fortunate to get into see a psychologist who has over 18 years exp & numerous skills. I am having CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) no anti depressants though pain killers doubled which has taken pain levels to an awesome controllable level. So I can sit through my weekly consultation with VG (psychologist). I have been hospitalised a few weeks ago in resus for 6 days, with no resus signedRight now I struggle with it being called fear not anger... I prefer anger as saying fearful & admitting it is ouchies, little denial there still. Anger is at ok levels as I am coping, until last night a huge trigger went off that Threw me for a loop. I had first treatment at level 4. Trauma focussed therapy (confronting the painful memories & feared situations. First time I have ever come back out of flashback...guided & stopped continuing and brought back with my grounding objects, breathing technique & to be continued weekly. Professional help is $170 an appointment per week & worth it. But it's not my money I am using. The guilt is overwhelming plus trigger over heard on phone is trying to crush me. I am using breathing technique, grounding objects yet find myself wanting to give up & put on pain patches x 10 then take pills. I'm of two minds right now. Meant to have surgery in 3 weeks (only total removal of thyroid) and also informed around 5 years is life expectancy. So treatment for PTSD is great but reality slaps me on face like idiot ... you wasted your time in this life. It is what it is... I have isolated myself so much I didn't get a visit or call again in ICU and now die alone as I failed this life big time. Calls I get are all for donations as I can't say no to any of them. So there it is... I am alone, will die alone & no need for funeral service as no one to show up. That is what my life adds up to. In the end it doesn't matter, life goes on & people move on. I am all out of strength but feel I can see things a lot clearer ...so my brain is geared to not give up but surrender to the facts REALITY is I am ALONE. ; I made it that way. Keep everyone as far as possible away. Cheers for responses & hoping just typing here I get IT out to carry on, and or for attention. I'm not sure of which one but it's out now. ( tried writing but shaking too much which is a rare event) typing easier at this point.

[Croix]

Dear Webmistress~

I'll have to take oyu to task - you are NOT alone. Those mysterious letters of the alphabet on your screen represent people - people of which you are one. We each have our lives with good and bad, we come together for mutual care and support. - Mutual.

So I expect in time you will find more answer as they see your thread, not out of curiosity, but because hard roads leave many wanting to help, even if it is only to ease pain and loneliness for a moment (both for the ones they are talking to and themselves. - Mutual.

Frankly I think you have made some awful big steps since your post at the end of December. You've found a good psychologist, you've started to gain flashback control, and you have started to deal with physical problems. I also think a 5 year prediction is not worth much, the medical profession can get things right, but long term prognosis is a bit of a guessing game.

One other super thing you have done is reach out. First in December, and then right now. You've got us on side and watching, is there anyone in the flesh you can be in contact with too, family, friends, anyone. I've been surprised at who came to the fore when things went wrong. I remember once it was the cleaner - lovely lady.

I'm blessed in having, and had, a wonderful supportive family, but due to circumstances on that occasion I was very much on my own.

Typing when in the shakes is the only way to go. If alone and need a voice then our 24/7 help line is still there.

I'm looking forward to your reply

Croix