PTSD & separation

[Punkey]

Hello,

i am a survivor of schild sexual abuse that left me with depression (or so I believed at the time) 25 years later I was finally given justice for my trauma with a long jail sentence. I'm not actually sure the work I put in was worth it. I'm doubt most would agree but I should have just let sleeping dogs lie so to speak. I was doing ok before it was all rehashed out in a court room. Although I've always suffered depression I have since realised I now have PTSD. I'm not sure if it's always been that or just got worse due to the case being reopened. So there's a small run down of my screwed up life.

I am now 35 years old and I've spent 15 years with the man I couldn't/can't imagine my life without. We've had our ups and downs obviously but he just doesn't deserve the way I am. I can't trust, I can't open up and let him in. He loves me I know this but he can't show it and I can't believe him say it! So we are now 2 weeks into a separation and I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want to run and wrap him up in my arms and tell him how much I do love him but I'm so unwell mentally that I can't because he is better off without me. The thought of not being with him shatters me though.

I have been fighting these demons alone for so many years and pushed so many people away that I think I'm just better off alone at this point. I just miss him so much it physically hurts.

I don't know what to do? I don't know how to love him like he deserves and how to get help so maybe one day I can possibly feel loved and needed. I have a warped sense of love, my looks and my own personal struggles impacted him so much that he simply is best to stay away I know that, he knows it but I don't think I can even keep breathing at this point.

[blondguy]

Hello Punkey

Welcome to the forums and good on you for posting too!

Im sorry that you have been going through such a dark phase in your life. I understand as I used to have chronic anxiety which has morphed into depression since 1996. It can effect our levels of self worth/self esteem.

I noticed you wrote "he just doesn't deserve the way I am" This is sad yet treatable for sure.

It does take time determination and patience to find your mojo again but well worth getting the regular counseling to do it Punkey.

I had a counselor make me see him every week for six months as my self worth & confidence was bad news.

They can give you your life back and readjust these symptoms we have.

You dont have to live this way. You have done so very well by posting and I hope you can set up a regular appointment to help you find your way back into a reasonable state of contentment

You deserve it 🙂

you are not alone here at all

my kind thoughts

Paul

[668436Lily]

Hi

Im an adult survivor of child abuse and I joined this forum last night after reading some posts that I found encouraging. Your story of surviving the court system is amazing and something not everyone has the strength for. It's proof that you are a very determined and strong person despite how you currently feel. I've had some experience with courts and had to put on hold because of the out of control feelings you are describing. One of the problems with child abuse is that we have poor self esteem and poor judgement about good relationships. If your partner has been with you for 15 years it seems to me that its worth a conversation about how to move forward together. As adult survivors we want to control everything because we couldn't as children. If this relationship is safe perhaps its ok to let them decide if they want in and take it from there with a professional who can help both of you to support you.

After what you have been through you I think you are definitely worth it.

[Heliotrope]

I too have survived childhood abuse and can understand the way you feel unworthy of being loved. It is common to have such a low self esteem and feel unlovable after being so wounded as a child. You are blessed to have a loving partner who has been with you for 15 years and still wants you in their life. If you can salvage that relationship with the help of Counselling, it will be a big step forward for you, and take a lot of courage to face reality and work together on building a better relationship where you can learn to trust. The Court case is horribly traumatic, you must realise that it has brought up past memories etc that you were not able to deal with as a child, but now you need to deal with them as an adult, with proper professional assistance. When I gave evidence at the Royal Commission into Institutionalised Child Abuse, the anxiety, nightmares, etc came flooding back. I had to deal with them on a different level to how I had dealt with them before. Previously I felt like a helpless child, powerless, unable to do anything to change my situation or reach out for any help. I could not trust anyone enough to tell them what I was going through. I did not think anyone would believe me. I endured horrific Domestic Violence, social isolation, economic abuse, emotional abuse for many years because of believing lies my ex partners fed me, that I was not worthy, was less than lovable, was stupid, useless etc etc. It took a lot for me to break away from my abusive ex husbands. The abuse in Wanslea, crippled me emotionally and made it so difficult to make friends or trust anyone most of my life. It has made a big difference to me to learn about the Adult, Parent, & Child, part of a person's personality. I know that I was reacting to life from the frightened child within, criticising myself like a "Critical Parent" telling me I was not worthy, did not deserve better etc-exactly the kind of cruel words my ex 's used, to tear me down,destroy my confidence, so they could abuse me and then blame me. If you have a partner who is supportive and caring, fight like heck to save that relationship. Give yourself time to heal, don't be afraid to slog it out in Counselling. Don't expect change overnight. It took a long time to make you lose your confidence and it will take time to reverse that process. Crying is a release valve. Don't be afraid to let your partner see you vulnerable. A good man will want to be with you, supporting,protecting, comforting you.

[Guest_89]

Something I want to quickly bring up:

You should be so so proud of yourself! It must have been so challenging to go through the whole court situation, with all the resurfacing memories and things that would have come up, BUT you've done a really brave thing. The person that hurt you deserves to be accountable and punished. You may have even saved someone else by getting him that long jail sentence. It's totally understandable that you are struggling, it's completely debilitating and affects every aspect of life including relationships - but still, you're amazing for fighting this and seeking justice and continuing to try every single day. With this person in jail, you can really focus on recovery now. You deserve to live a fulfilling life, don't let the abuser take anything else away from you! You're strong, you've come this far, you can keep going!!

[Punkey]

Thank you for your kind words.

A little bit of an update. i have seen a doctor and have a mental health plan in place, I am currently waiting on an appointment to a psych so I can start the healing process. Although this is extremely scary I know I have to deal with it all head on and no longer hide in the shadows of my past. My children, husband, family and friends along with myself need me to be well. Which right now I am just not.

Update of the state of my marriage is after a few days away from everyone and everything I have now spoken to my husband about what I feel like 90% of the time. He will stand by me and help me through the process of healing, he says that he is sorry for not being there like I needed him to be and that I am all he wants. Me and our children. He will stay with his Mum until I am comfortable that my PTSD is under somewhat control but I don't need to worry because he is always just a call, text or short drive away. He says that he loves me but he knows I'm not well and wants me to be healthy and happy no matter what that means for our marriage. So in reality we are seperated but will be working on us aswell as my mental health. We won't be making any final decisions about our marriage until we have had some councilling and I have seen my psych enough to start to feel human.

I am a very lucky woman. My husband although quite often a pain in the rear end is a constant in my life I'm not willing to let go of just yet. He is an amazing man to have put up with my garbage for so long and still even now willing to lay his heart on the line to protect mine. I love this man, I always have and always will. My only hope is that when I get this under control we can finally after so many years be happy and healthy together. If it doesn't work out for us for whatever reason I will deal with that but I know he will always be the man I admire, love and wish the best for. Even if his happiness doesn't include me.

[Punkey]

Hi everyone, in a previous post I said my marriage was over and I couldn't breathe, that I was going to psych and trying to finally get my PTSD under control. We I've seen a psych a couple of times now, he is amazing. We were able to talk a lot about what's been going on in my life (I find it really hard to open up). We discussed so much stuff that the first time I came out a mess. I was almost screaming in pain it was so hard. But the 2nd time I came out refreshed and better. I came out with a game plan and an idea of what I can do to help me everyday. At the moment that is replacing negative thoughts with good ones. So when I look in the mirror and think I'm fat and horrid, I replace it with I'm perfect weight and my stomach is flabby due to 4 beautiful children I created 🙂 it's really helping. I feel heaps better already. Still a long way to go but I'm sure I will get there. Update on my marriage. My husband is being an amazing support, even from his mothers house. He is constantly finding out more information on PTSD so he can better understand it. He tells me 10+ times a day how much he loves me and that he will not leave me for something out of my control ever. He will stay with his Mum until I am able to make a mentally stable decision about us but will not be going anywhere that doesn't include me and our children! Now that I'm felling better I believe him. If I start to question it I tell him that I need a reminder. He now understands and is working with me to make me well.Together we will beat the demons inside my head xI hope everyone is having a good day, if not know that you're not alone.

new update thread reposted here 🙂