Lived experience:How to feel enjoyable in activities again?

[ABC01]

Dear all,

I don’t feel anything is enjoyable anymore. 
For example,if I play a game on the computer and then I am feeling, say uncomfortable,sad or anxious. The next time I see the game or try to play it, the same feelings I had at that time are attached to that particular activity. And I avoid it, to avoid feeling that same way again.

All of the things I do are to distract myself from what I am feeling or trying not to think of ect.

Does anyone have learned experience of how to make activities not like this or enjoyable again? 

I have avoided so many things because of these attached feelings. And I need to live my daily life again. 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Thank you,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

I think I may have an understanding of what you describe. In 2010 I went through a particular trauma. In the 3 years prior to that I had really gotten into songwriting. I picked my guitar up everyday and I was using it to heal from a severe pain condition. I belonged to songwriting groups and singing groups and it was so powerfully healing and transformative. Then after the trauma the connection with music evaporated. I’d pick my guitar up and feel nothing. I turned to photography instead which was ok. But between 2010 and now I’ve rarely picked up my guitar at all whereas I used to several times a day.

My sense of why this happens is a body memory gets stored in association with the activity. For me it’s like feelings of loss and trauma have been imprinted onto playing the guitar and trying to write songs. I know a key aspect of the Somatic Experiencing trauma recovery method is helping the body to remember the positive feelings it knew in relation to an activity prior to a trauma. So I have a feeling if I do somatic work at releasing this particular trauma while working with those positive feelings that existed with the activity prior to the trauma, I may be able to heal this pattern. Although I’ve told my psychologist about this particular trauma it’s not one I’ve gone into working with her somatically.

I also know that depression can make you feel numb and you just don’t enjoy activities you used to anymore. But with the trauma you’ve experienced maybe you are now more instinctively than ever going into an avoidant state where if you start to have certain feelings in relation to something you automatically become averse to the activity. Please tell me if that doesn’t fit. I’m just trying to see if I can understand it.

I have had a lot of prior traumatic experiences and they are layers I’m working through with my psychologist. I find as each trauma memory is compassionately witnessed by my psychologist and we do somatic work on it, an organic process of trauma release begins with that experience, starting in the psychology session and then extending into the days and weeks that follow. So I’m keen to experiment now with the issue of playing guitar and singing and working on the associated attached feelings. I might try this as my next thing to explore with my psychologist.

I hope you don’t mind me giving that example of myself, but it is the best way I can try to understand what you’re experiencing. I can see how I go with it anyway and perhaps let you know if I have a breakthrough and can return to the free flowing connection I had with music before.

What trauma memories do is they break up our natural flow. I listened to a helpful podcast on YouTube with Peter Levine the other day entitled “A Journey From Trauma to Awakening and Flow”. He’s the person who developed Somatic Experiencing. It may be helpful but just as a trigger warning he does describe some of his childhood traumas in it but not in detail.

So perhaps at the moment you are being stifled by certain trauma mechanisms and if those mechanisms can be released from the body you may be able to restore the body memory of things, such as computer games, being enjoyable. Even just going into your body into memories of the past where you loved computer games and didn’t have attached feelings of sadness and anxiety may help. So restoring a state of goodness in the body.

Sorry for long post! Take care,

ER

[ABC01]

Thank you Eagle Ray,

They are some things to consider. I have a bad habit of associating the feelings I felt at the time I did something and felt something heavy,and then those feelings attach themselves to a particular thing. An example is,when I was once driving at a roundabout not too far from my home, it was so busy and I was having a hard time being able to go onto the roundabout. Once I did, someone from behind me honked me. Whether they thought I had cut them off or they were just a rude person,the heart pounding sensation I experienced at the time, still stays with me today, ten years on. I have used the roundabout since, just once not to be afraid of it. And I used it at a different time,so it was easy to get on and off. But even now, I still have these feelings attached to that roundabout. I am very reluctant to use the roundabout even today. And it is just a roundabout. There are hundreds of them everywhere.

The other day I was watching Neighbours in the background and thought I could play a computer game at the same time, as background noise. Unfortunately a key character had a death on the show. My trauma is connected to a recent passing. I used to play games all the time before my trauma. It is a way to fill my days when I don’t have anything on or after a particularly stressful day, to decompress and allow my brain to rest. I am trying to follow my old routines to reestablish my daily life again and try to help my depression from interfering. Because the show had something uncomfortable happen,even though it was acted rather poorly and in such a soapy way, I now don’t want to play that game anymore. I can see a snapshot of the game that day,today. Thus, my avoidence. Songs are even worse in the background right now. Every song just about has lyrics that bring me back to my issues. But I have associated that game to that moment and now avoidence. Perhaps I need to expose myself to the game again and have a different snapshot in my mind.

I have not heard of Somatic Experiencing. So I will look that up. It has been 6 months since my trauma has happened and I can’t seem to get my life back on track. I really need and want to find some enjoyment or I would even just take okayness in doing my daily activities again. It would help so much. People are telling me to block it out. But I don’t know how to do that or I already would be.

So thank you for your post. I did understand what you are trying to say. And I hope you can find music again soon.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

What you describe about how things impact you I can very much relate to. It’s like things imprint on us, like we have no protective filter. I’ve had numerous similar experiences. I witnessed a car accident a few years ago and although no one was seriously physically injured one of the people was screaming at the other for going through a stop sign. I was the first person to respond and ask if the woman still in her car was ok while the other woman was screaming. I went into dissociative shock myself even though I was not actually in the accident. It was an intersection near my home and I couldn’t not be affected if I went near it again, so normally avoided it.

Peter Levine does deal with some of those issues in his books such as In an Unspoken Voice and Trauma & Memory. He looks at how to somatically heal the trauma mechanism that is repeating in the body. If you do look at those books I just thought I’d mention they do describe some traumatic things (though not in great detail) in order to illustrate how he has worked with clients to clear the repetitive trauma pattern in their nervous systems. He uses what he calls “islands of safety” with clients to remember a prior time when they knew peace in their body as a buffer against tapping into a traumatic experience. He doesn’t believe in fully reliving trauma so his approach is very different to exposure therapy. It’s really much more gentle and intuitive and involves just slightly feeling into the trauma and allowing the body to instinctively complete a healing response that it never got to complete at the time. All of this is with the islands of safety to return to and the compassionate presence of the therapist which help stabilise the client in this process. There is often a process of pendulation between different physiological states within the body as it renegotiates the trauma and it becomes more healthily integrated in memory instead of an errant unintegrated memory.

Anyway, take care ABC01. I think once you start finding an approach that works for you, the healing process keeps unfolding. The body starts to automatically learn to be less fearful and becomes better at integrating experiences so they don’t have the persistent feeling associations. It’s still a work in progress for me but I can tell I have improved and I am experiencing greater ease in my body in relation to external stressors, even though they can still affect me. I can feel the effect but also let it go more readily instead of being really stuck in the feeling like before.

All the best,

ER

[ABC01]

Dear Eagle Ray,

I did try to watch the YouTube podcast you suggested,but it was too long for my headspace. However I did watch other videos on Somatic Experiencing, to understand it. I also found that Nuerotherapy Feedback is a great tool for trauma,and I am having the opportunity to try that very soon. So I may ask about Somatic Experiencing too,as my body had begun to feel pain in my skeletal muscles,once again. My whole body is affected and it is painful. It feels as if my body is locking up. And I don’t want anymore medication.

I hope I find something soon that works too. I just want my feet on stable ground longer then 3 seconds,so I can make some decisions and keep to them. Instead of this flip flopping that is my daily struggle.

I am glad you find Somatic Experiencing a tool for you. And you too, may you find something that works and keep the healing process continuing.

All the best,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

Yes, no worries about the podcast. I totally understand about the headspace. The Neurotherapy Feedback sounds really interesting. I think it’s definitely a case of exploring to find an approach that connects with you. I found the practitioner makes a difference too. I tried Somatic Experiencing with 3 other practitioners before I found my current psychologist and none of those earlier practitioners were the right fit.

I also did a method called TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises) which I found quite helpful. I’ve also learned a practice called Myofascial Unwinding. Both of these start with the body and release the constrictions in the fascia that occur when people are carrying trauma. The fascia constrict around the muscles so that can contribute to the muscles feeling tight and the body being stuck in hypervigilance. And another thing that helped at a physiological level was Restorative Yoga. It is a very gentle form of yoga but the instructor was also the most compassionate, gentle yoga teacher I’ve ever met. I’ve tried the same form of yoga with another and it wasn’t nearly as gentle, so I think the practitioner really matters.

I think once your body/mind starts to feel some easing of symptoms it begins to know it’s possible to experience something different and it’s often the beginning of things turning around.

All the best to you too ABC01,

ER

[ABC01]

Dear EagleRay,

I will have a research of Myofascial Unwinding and Restorative Yoga. The pain is intensifying as each day passes and I don't really like people touching my body. But may look into physiotherapy massage. I can't trust that walk in massage parlors at shopping centres are legitimately trained. And I also do agree that the right person facilitating can be the difference.

If I can ask, there is a group I found on Meetup. They have an in-person event on Sunday. However, I feel a little nervous about going. It is in the daytime and at a legitimate venue. I will never know until I do go but...

How did you know you were ready to go to one of your events in person? But only if you feel comfortable answering.

I would prefer Zoom, which I have found some events. They are easier to navigate and also pull out of.

Thank you for any response. Also thank you for your recent support. I appreciate it alot.

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

The best way I can describe Myofascial Unwinding is it allowing the body to move in space any way it wants to without consciously trying to control any of it. That might involve stretching, rolling, yawning - basically whatever the body feels it needs. It can be guided by a therapist who supports the client's body in space or it can be done on your own. It's like you drop all conscious direction of what happens and just let the body decide what to do. It will then often unwind the patterns of tension it might be holding on its own, releasing fascial constrictions.

In a way Restorative Yoga is similar but more directed. Myofascial Unwinding is really what all living creatures do to release stuff in their body. It is very naturalistic. Restorative yoga is a more refined, ordered way of trying to do something similar. Once you experience it, it makes sense as you can feel your body take over and do what it needs.

In terms of the Meetup groups, I'm not sure that I knew I was ready but I felt like I wanted to make connections with similar people. So I guess the wish for connection was strong enough to override anxiety. Like you I have social anxiety. It's always been there. I think at the time I was trying to answer questions about myself too and that if I met up with similar others things might become clearer. I think it helped in that regard.

I haven't formed long term friendships from those groups but I had a lot going on in my life at the time including being a carer, so I was limited in what I could do to sustain connections. Two of the groups linked to neurodivergence and I met some people I connected with there. Another group was related to photography but I actually felt a bit alienated in that one because they were very competitive with one another and I'm not competitive at all.

I understand about preferring Zoom and maybe that would be easier to begin with. I actually meet with a group via Zoom once a month. It's a group I got connected with last year when I did an online course relating to healing and trauma. They are a beautiful group of people and it's easy to be with them. So I do think the key is meeting people who are like-minded with similar experiences.

If the group you are thinking about going to on Sunday are people with social anxiety, you can at least know that they will all almost certainly be feeling nervous too. I think once we have had some interactions and it goes ok, it gives us the courage to know it isn't so bad and that it can be enriching and enjoyable. Of course, you may go along and they don't feel like your people, but if that happens that is completely fine and you can still congratulate yourself for making the effort. Remember you are free to be as involved or not with any group.

I don't know if that helps. But the fact you are wanting to reach out sounds like a good sign that you are wanting connection and I think that in itself is a positive. So be kind to yourself whatever you decide. You are the captain of your ship, so to speak, and can follow whatever feels intuitively right for you.

Sorry that was such a long reply! Sometimes I don't know how to say things more briefly! Take care and all the best,

ER

[ABC01]

Not at all Eagle Ray,

I found your post very insightful. I AM the captain of my own ship. So, I guess if I can't find the courage to go this weekend, there is always the next group. It is a group about depression. So, the organizers should have that empathy if I am not able to make it quite yet.

But I will see. I have already plotted my public transport journey. All I have to do that day, is get up and go.

The others on Zoom are next week. 

But I am trying to connect for my own sake. But like you have said, it can't be rushed, or I may even find that they aren't my people, or the group isn't quite what I am ready for yet. But I might find that they are.

Grateful for the outlines of those two therapies. I did research them too.

Thanks for the chat,

ABC01

[Eagle Ray]

Dear ABC01,

Yes, I think the thing about groups around something like depression and social anxiety is that people will understand if you don't feel up to attending. You also don't have to worry about pleasing other people at all. Think of whatever you do as a gift for yourself, that you are doing something to take care of yourself and to be proud of yourself whatever you do.

Just see how you go and what feels right on the day. Sending you kindness,

ER