just need a chat

[meffii]

i'm struggling with my past & i don't know what to do 

[Soberlicious96]

Hi Meffii, welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out. I know that sometimes it can be hard to 'let go' of the past, or free yourself from it, but I have found that one of the greatest tools to keep myself from drowning in the trauma is to ground myself in the here and now. I do that by engaging all five of my senses, one at a time.

For example; spend one minute, with your eyes closed, focusing on what you can hear, right here, right now. It may be distant traffic, a gentle wind outside, a ticking clock (some people don't like it, but I find the steady beat of a ticking clock to be quite comforting), or some other sound. Anything that you can hear can be something to focus on.

Next, open your eyes and look around you. name aloud, or even write down at least ten things you can see; a clock, a picture on the wall, the brand to television you have, the colour of the floor or a rug, what clothes yyou are wearing, etc.

Next; smell. this one, for me, is not great because I don't actually have a sense of smell (brain injury when I was a kid) but concentrate on any left-over smells from a recent meal cooked, or the smell of your deodorant.

Next is taste. run your tongue over your teeth and see of you can still 'taste' any of your last meal. take note if your mouth is feeling dry or maybe needs some hydration. Maybe make a cup of tea or a hot chocolate or a sandwich.

And finally feel. Are your hands dry, in need of moisturizing? What about your face? Does your skin feel washed, or maybe you could do with a splash of refreshing water? What about your feet, back, legs or the rest of your body? Feeling hot or cold? Take a layer off, or add a layer on. Any aches or stiffness? Maybe gently massage the area.

These things will help to bring you back into the moment. And then, something I also find helpful, is to engage in a mentally relaxing activity; it might be anything from colouring in, to playing solitaire on the computer or just putting on some of my favorite music that makes me happy.

Trauma and PTSD don't have to be a permanent state, even though it may feel that way. Perhaps you could also consider getting some counseling? And if not, that's okay. At least BB is here for you and with you, any time you need to reach out. Take care. xo

[Learn to Fly]

Hi meffii,

A very warm welcome to the forum and thank you for reaching out. 

Have you tried to talk to someone about your past to help you navigate through some difficult memories and perhaps process them? 

You could talk to a trusted family member, a friend, or a counsellor. If these choices don't appeal to you we are here to chat and support you. 

[geoff]

Hello Meffii, sometimes it's impossible to forget from what's happened in the past, and I was in exactly the same position as you are now, but I have been able to move on, but this can't happen until you or another person can actually talk with us.

I know it's not comfortable and many times during the discussion there could be periods where you can't talk talk any more, this is absolutely understandable, so we need to wait until you are ready to start once again.

We accept this and definitely want to help you through this.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Greyshrike]

This is exactly how I feel. I've always been the strong one and I'm struggling with reaching out. Hope you are OK.

[quirkywords]

Muffii and greyshrike

thanks for reaching out. There are helpful suggestions given by other posters here. Many can relate to your posts. I find my past  over 30 years ago still affects my future. Sometimes we have to accept the past learn from it even if others won’t let us forget. 

[therising]

Hi meffii

It's just so unfair for some how there can be so much torment, pain and strategic management involved when it comes to having to manage the past. It would be so much kinder if we could just remove certain memories by choice. I think the best we can do in some cases is change our perception of the moments that continue to come back to haunt us. Of course, not an easy thing to do.

A change in the emotional charge that comes with a memory often involves a change in perception. For example, if a survivor of abuse acknowledges everything they had to do to survive, they may begin to acknowledge many of their strengths and abilities, which (to others) may not appear as obvious strengths and abilities. Feelings/emotional charges that may involve a sense of strength, power, self love, amazement etc have a very different feel/charge to them compared with shame, self chastisement, self hatred etc. In acknowledging all the weaknesses (including a lack of self control) that have to be present in order to create an abuser, that's another factor that requires a change in perception/understanding. For an abuser to better understand their weaknesses, this becomes their journey. Some abusers take it whereas others refuse to step foot on that path, often due to arrogance.

Another example could involve a young person who seeks love and acceptance in any way they can find it. If what they feel they need to do to be accepted or loved is sleep with people, then that (for them) is what it takes. Looking back with 'regret' and 'shame' involves 2 emotional charges/feelings that can feel brutal. A change in perception may mean recalling such memories through the idea 'I was a seeker of love and acceptance and much of what I found involved those who did not know how to care. Their lack of care was not my fault'. For a female especially, the labels that come for such a seeker can be so horrible and demeaning. Those who label are ignorant, for they can be completely ignoring the reasons for a young person's actions in this case.

While they're just a couple of examples of a basic change in perception, some changes can take a long time to work on before they're complete. Some can take days, weeks, months or even years, all depending on what it is we're facing.

If we can change our perception to become our new truth, that truth has to involve a positive charge in some way, otherwise all we do is suffer through our memories of the past.

Choosing who is going to help us make better sense of things becomes a part of the process. Do you have any ideas when it comes to who you'd like to choose? Who comes to mind?