Just a vent

[Fluxcapacitor]

Where do i start.

i lost my mother when i was 8 to breast cancer. She was the glue that held everything together. She did everthing for me and my siblings and every other child in our extended family. I miss her. But at the end she started to ignore me. She thought that it was better i get used to her not being there. It didnt help though it made me so angry and sad. Still does.

2 weeks after she died my father got a new girlfriend. They shared a love of drinking together that always ended up in full blown fist fighting and police being called. He only ever did the bare minimum. I had nits from the time i was 8 until 14. He never even tried to get them out. New GF was number 1 priority. I remember being so sick once i could barely walk and just needed my father. He told me i was a hypochondriac and left me home alone so he could go to the pub and gamble/drink his pay away with her.

She had older kids who were into drugs and crime. I was left with them alot so saw so much stuff i should not have. So i started using with them when i was quite young. I stopped going to school and moved out when i was 14. They were pretty abusive too. When my birthday would come around i would get 50 from my dad to buy myself something. When i came home i got punched in the face by one of them for not buying clothes that fitted them. Dad didnt care and would never say anything to GF as it would just cause a fight. There are so many other things that happened i could go on for days.

Im now 35 and have 2 young kids. Thier dads are absent. My oldest blames me for his father not being here. He has never met him and he still likes him better than me. I love them so much but parenting is hard. Especially alone with no support. Life is so expensive so im always barley scrapping by every week. Just another woe.

I feel numb to everything. Im in a big black hole and i dont know if there will ever be light at the end. I would never do anything silly as i could never leave them.

I just want some respite. Im so lonely and hurt that Ive been abandoned my whole life.

[Guest_1055]

Hello,

Just wanted to welcome you. And to let you know that I am listening to you. I don't have any advice or anything. But I care

[Sophie_M]

Hi Fluxcapacitor,

We’re so sorry to hear how you’re feeling right now. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and we can imagine how difficult this would be. Please know that the forums and our lovely community are here for you, and it’s really good that you could share this here.

It sounds like it would be really worth reaching out to our lovely counsellors, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. Another good option is talking to our friends over at Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9-5 (AEDT). They provide support to people who’ve experienced trauma or abuse in childhood. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.

We’re sorry to hear that you lost your mum so young. That must be really hard. Please remember Griefline might be really good to talk to about this, on  1300 845 745 (6am to midnight AEDT every day). 

You're right, parenting is incredibly hard, especially when you're not feeling your best. It sounds like you're a really supportive parent and we hope you can see that sharing concerns like this here shows how much you care for them. We'd recommend having a look at the Parentline website, to see if their support might be helpful. 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. We hope it brings you some comfort to hear from lovely people like Shelll. Our community is lovely, and has plenty of support and understanding for you.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Guest_206]

Dear Fluxcapacitor,

I'm so sorry to hear your story of your childhood. You deserved to have someone there for you and you didn't have that. I also hear you about parenting being so hard - it is a mammoth job, and to be doing it on your own makes it that much harder. I hope that maybe you are able to reach out to one of the help lines that Sophie suggested, otherwise, we are listening too.

Xg