Jealousy over other's happiness

[gucia6]

Hi all,

Recently I have been trying to cope with a strange jealousy. I am not even sure how to name it. And I think it is completely unreasonable.

The thing is, that I am jealous of the teenagers in my community, all the support they receive from the adults, friends they are surrounded with. For some reason it throws me to time when I was a teenager and didn't have any of it. Instead I had verbally and emotionally abusive mother, passive father, violent partner and bunch of bullies at school.

And they are lovely kids, I am also going to support them as much as I can, and they did absolutely nothing to me, and I am not going to pour any of my frustration with my past on them, because it would be completely unfair. It's just this pain inside me, that is annoying me.

I wonder if anyone experienced similar feeling, and how are you managing it?

[Ggrand]

Hi gucia,

My childhood, teenage and married years sounds very similar to yours..

I think it is wonderful that you want and will support them as much as you can...

You’re a Gucia, you came out of all the abuse a beautiful kind person...and that’s something to be very proud of...Well done..

I understand about the jealousy you feel towards happy teenagers, when you didn’t have it..,I too felt this way when other teenagers were enjoying their lives and when my friends husband were kind and caring towards them....

That’s when I started thinking about my abusive life and not wanting anyone to go through that....Even though I felt happy for them..enjoying what I never did...It started triggering old feelings back to me.....But these people are happy and safe because they are lived and cared for and hopefully free from abuse..They were enjoying life like we should have...and not going through hard times...seeing people happy is uplifting for me now....because everyone deserve a happy and peaceful life...

It sounds like your going to add to their happiness...with you support and care and that’s such a beautiful thing to do......

You are definitely a winner gucia, by not letting your abusers take away your caring warm heart and soul...

My kindest and most caring thoughts..gucia.

Grandy..

[Guest_1643]

hi gucia

how are u?
I feel that often... sometimes even watching a movie - i'll see a beautiful scene of a parent just "getting" their child and intervening to assist them through a challenge and it'll hurt me.
I really reltae to this. I don't feel jealous although I wouldn't think the jealousy is the worse feeling
I feel very sad and defeated.

I can understand feeling jealous and really angry, as part of the processing. I think I'm not there yet.

[Emmen]

Hello gucia6,

Jealousy is a normal human emotion and we all get jealous sometimes. As a teenager, I've been jealous of my peers because they had more freedom than I ever got from my overprotective parents. Building on from that, I've been jealous over the years of people getting things I want for myself, that I've been denied because of the circumstances I've been in.

What helps me is to think of things I am grateful for in life and be thankful for that instead of focusing on the have-nots or negatives. Blocking out particularly painful experiences and focusing on the 'now' helps too, since my current circumstances is something I have control over (as opposed to the past, which I cannot change).

You sound like a lovely person who wishes to support those teenagers. I wonder if you could focus on the kind, empathetic soul you are today and appreciate who you've grown to be, instead of thinking back on the things you didn't have?

Kindly,
M

[gucia6]

Hi Emmen,

yes, I am very much focusing on this what is now and anticipating what my doings may bring in the future. I am really grateful that I have the control over my life, I can decide what to do, and even start to take some risks, e.g. in currently trying to change my career path.

And I really love to see those kids grow. I know some of them have difficulties at home, and I know I won't be able to save the world, but if there is at least one I could show that there is always hope, I will be happy. Though it doesn't change the random pangs of pain, when I wish I could just jump back in time and face all those horrible people and events, shout at them, then cry and be hugged by someone and reassured, that everything is OK.

And also I have had realisation that the past is past, I need to let it go and free myself from it. It was so with my eating disorder. There was a time I put all blame on my mother, who thought me those bad habits, first by forcing me to (over)eat as a kid, then telling me I am too fat as a teenager (so I stopped eating), complaining it is my fault for her big stomach, because I pushed her belly so much in the pregnancy, the her going between dieting and eating crap. But one day I asked myself, why am I doing exactly the same thing as her, and try push the responsibility of my doings on someone else, now when I have the choice, knowledge and ability to change things.

But it is not always easy to do, especially while being in 'emotional flashback' or switching in panic mode, when the 'thinking' part of brain is offline. And unfortunately this often comes out of blue, without any warning, and even though sometimes I am aware of what is happening, it takes some time to tame this beast.

Hey Sleepy.

I'm good thank you. How are you?

Yes, I can relate to what you are saying. Sometimes when I have those moments, I hug my daughters, tell them how much I love them. It soothes me. I also often tell them that every problem has a solution. I am happy when they come to me with their issues and we are sorting things out through discussion. It is for me sometimes quite challenging to give them reasons why some things should be done or not. Since I had my breakdown couple of months back, I refused to give and accept answers "Do/Don't do it because I say so" or "I don't know" or "You don't need to know". Seems like I was quite a bad parent before, and I really hope that any damage I did to my daughters, I can fix at least some from now on.

Regards G

[Guest_1643]

Hey Gucia -

I think it's very sensitive your worry about being a good parent- I assure you bad parents never do this.
It's a big fear to repeat the bad that we experienced but I think ur doing an amazing job. Just ur effort and interest in being a good parent is amazing.

It is hard to grow up in a home with weight being treated so harshly - both losing and gaining.
Now that I think of that I had both. When I lost weight my mother made it like I was looking for attention and had to put more clothes on. when I put on weight she made it like this was an emormous problem too.

I am glad you can hug your kids with a warm hug and enjoy being close to them. They know you care and are trying very hard to be there, i'm sure of it

[SarahZ]

Hello gucia6,

Thank you for reaching out and being so raw with your emotions. I’m really sorry to hear that you have been struggling with seeing other teenagers and reflecting and drawing comparisons from your own childhood. I’m saddened to read about your childhood and can’t imagine how hard it must have been growing up without that support, warmth and nurturance. I just wanted to chime in and say that you seem like a lovely person with so much insight and growth. Your daughters are exceptionally lucky to have you as a parent and I’m sure they are and will continually grow to become wonderful people.

Please know that this community is here to listen and support you. Feel free to reach out whenever you feel up to it!

Wishing you the very best ~

[Emmen]

Dear gucia6,

Yes it can be hard to control your emotions when that 'thinking' part of the brain is offline. But as you've noted, this whole process of moving past what happened in the past will take time. After all, those incidents have been a huge part of your upbringing. It's okay to slip back into feeling that jealousy, as long as you recognise how you're feeling and try to regain control of your thoughts again. Just remember to be kind to yourself through this process of healing and not berate yourself for any slip-ups.

Kindly,
M

[therising]

Hi gucia6

You're doing an amazing job of raising yourself. Raising yourself above and beyond the conditions you were subjected to when you were younger must be incredibly hard. To say 'Why does this have to be so hard? It's not fair that others have the support I never had' is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. Without a doubt, you definitely deserved better, plenty of people raising you, inspiring you.

It is much easier when we have lots of people around us raising and inspiring us. In a way, it's like they hold a map and a compass, offering us clear direction at every turn. To raise yourself in unknown territory, to gradually navigate without clear direction and to develop your own compass of sorts (including good instincts) can make things so much more challenging. There is a great sense of pride in knowing that the skills we have developed we developed on our own. We become largely self taught, in the way of life.

When you speak of being a naturally caring person, a support and a guide to others, I imagined you have developed skills that come with your nature. The skill of listening carefully, I imagine was never taught to you, yet you possess it. The skill of recognising compassion within yourself, for others, is definitely worth developing. While compassion begins as an emotion (something we can feel), it can be further developed through our actions, allowing us to connect with the person/people we feel for.

I have personally found self questioning to be an enormously helpful skill. 'How am I easily brought down? How does it feel (as a physical emotion) to be raised through inspiration and excitement? How am I triggered and by what or who?' are a few of the many things I wonder about. Such wonder holds the potential to reveal some astounding answers. I know many people who never find the need to question them self. In this case I think 'Why would someone not want to evolve beyond who they believe them self to be?' It's exciting to gradually find your natural self, buried under all those conditions placed upon us throughout our life. To remove those conditions, one by one, is liberating. I'm 50 and only recently learned the skill of not constantly being a people pleaser. Better late than never 🙂

Sounds like you are also doing an amazing job of developing the skill of managing challenge. Sounds like this has come through developing your own unique perspective.

gucia6, you are becoming skillful in the process of breaking free, to be your self.

🙂

[gucia6]

Sleepy, SarahZ, Emmen, Therising,

thanks you so much for your words, you are amazing support 🙂

Therising, you are right, growing among inspiring people is amazing. In the last couple of months I have learned so much from others. I was pretty socially isolated (anxious, feeling not worthy, uninteresting, invisible etc.) and having people around me sometimes scares me if what I am doing and saying is OK, sometimes I think I am needy, what stops me from reaching out. But now connecting with others I can see how wrong I was.

Generally I am very happy to see that young people (and adults as well) are faring well. Just last week was a bit though, going between anxiety and panic episodes, things piling up threw me in a bad place. But I am getting out of it. I also know there are many people around me who help me, and they would be there if I really needed someone to talk to.

Since yesterday I am so going back and forth between the thoughts "I am so horrible and worthless" and "I am actually really awesome", that I am wondering if I might have some bipolar issues, lol. Or maybe everyone has it, just not everyone speaks about it