I was assaulted by my best friend/housemate

[idontread]

Hi I'm new but I don't really know what to do about any of this or what I'm allowed to feel? My best friend/housemate has been going through a lot of shit recently (ex he's still in love with dating his best friend) so I've been his main support person - it's just us in the apartment - and he was going through a particularly rough spot after coming home from a night out so he asked to stay in my room. I said ok (I have a double bed there's plenty of room) but after a bit he started touching me so I moved his hand away a number of times and then he just kept going. I kept moving his hands and shifting away - I even got up to check my phone and came back to sleep well away from him (I almost fell off the side) but eventually I had to get up and leave. He eventually got up and went to his own room after he noticed I was on the couch. In the morning he said he didn't remember anything and thanked me for being there for him. I still haven't told him what he did and it's been like 6 months. We still live together and he's still going through a rough time so I'm having to support him all the time but I hate when he's touching me and I find myself getting angrier with him quickly and resenting him a bit. Idk what to do, bc it took me ages to find a place and environment as nice as this one and I don't want to move or things to change, but it's eating at me. Any advice would be amazing aha

[Sophie_M]

Hey idontread,

We are so sorry to hear about what you have gone through. We can imagine the hurt and frustration you may be feeling towards your roommate. We are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums today as we know this can be difficult to do for the first time.

If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings and experiences with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Hopefully a few of our welcoming community members will pop by to welcome you and offer some words of support and advice. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this time.

[The_Bro]

Gidday Idontread and a big welcome to the forum!

What you are going through is hugely difficult and its great you have found the courage to reach out.

I am a guy and would like to offer a guy's perspective on what you are going through.

You know guys can often take all sorts of signals in the wrong way, and so many of us are hard wired into receiving the wrong signals from a woman. We kind of think "well I'm in her bed so obviously she won't mind, surely it will be OK to touch her'.

Well it's NOT ok is it? I am very happily married myself, and one night after a sports event and some drinks, I stupidly tried to touch one of the female athletes inappropriately and was promptly put in my place. I am so glad that happened as I would have absolutely regretted it later as I do love my wife. The person was very strong and very clearly told me that she did not want me touching her.

At that very moment I actually felt embarrassed as I knew it was wrong of me. I had to let things cool for a few day then when I apologised to her she was amazing, thanked me for the apology, asked for no hard feelings, and we have been great training buddies ever since. She said how glad she was that I apologised as the incident might have stayed in the background for a long time and made both of us uncomfortable.

I wonder how you flatmate would respond if you kindly and gently told him how you feel? You could start by telling him that you like him as a flatmate, a person and a friend, but no more than that and would he please stop as it makes you very uncomfortable.

He might be playing the sympathy card with you as well - 'Poor me, can I have a cuddle?'. Unfortunately that is a weapon that some guys do use.

I do think there is a huge chance he will respect you for being clear with him, and the miserable situation you are in will suddenly improve. You will then be better placed to help him with his own problems!

Anyway this is a pretty raw subject and I do hope my comments are not out of line.

I would be very happy to hear back from you and the very best of luck in making you feelings known to him.

Regards, The Bro

[Pumpkinella]

Hi idontread,

I'm really sorry for what you had to go through with your room mate/friend. I too have been in a situation in which someone close to me has sexually assaulted me.

Being sexually touched without consent by a friend is really complicated emotionally and you have been unable to voice or address this. I am not surprised by the emotions you are experiencing.

Regardless of whether he remembers this or not (though it's possible he has remembered but is avoiding it) he continually harassed you in bed, despite your many indications that you were not interested. You have a right to be angry. It doesn't matter what signs he thought he was getting - that is not your concern and does not validate the act of sexual assault. Your concern is to protect yourself and your boundaries.

In my situation, telling the person what happened and how it made me feel helped to deal with the anger. It was an act of respecting myself and my boundaries in the way he did not. It was really difficult and for some reason I felt guilty doing it, even though I didn't do anything wrong - but I was happy that I did it in the end because it needed to be said. I wouldn't advise you one way or another on this though because you have to feel comfortable and safe enough to do so and that decision is very personal and context dependent.

I do recommend you seek professional assistance in dealing with this as its a highly complex situation. A psychologist is not only there to help people with a diagnosable mental disorder, psychologists can assist with any kind of traumatic/negative experience and navigating a plan on what to do and how to best do it safely. They can bring a lot of clarity in exactly how to manage and experience your emotions and handle the relationship with your room mate. I think it would be a great idea as its been 6 months so you know now that something probably needs to happen but just need help in knowing how or what to do. I found seeing a female psychologist helpful also because they tend to have more lived experience but again you do what is most comfortable for you.

If you do decide to address this remember it is about what happened to you, not what he has been going through. This is not an excuse for sexual assault. Sometimes when I feel that I making too many excuses for the behaviour I think about what I would say to a friend or relative if it happened to them.

I'm sorry again and I hope you're okay.

Sending my love,

Pumps

[Isabella_]

Hi there,

I wanted to reiterate something that @TheBro said.. "He might be playing the sympathy card with you as well - 'Poor me, can I have a cuddle?'. Unfortunately that is a weapon that some guys do use."

Sadly, I've seen this excuse too many times myself. Not only this, but hiding behind alcohol when it happens. I know it's hard, but please trust your own judgement... when thinking back on that night, you would be able to tell if he was blacked out drunk, mumbling his words. In this instance he could've not remembered, but if he truly didn't remember, someone with common decency would be very apologetic anyway, and would even be shocked by the allegation. Not remembering doesn't mean a "no", it means a "did I?".

Even if you don't say "no", a person with respect for you will read the signs that you aren't interested, or that you're uncomfortable, and stop. Saying no can be a scary thing and I understand that, but I think it's worth asking yourself.. "what will happen if I say no to him and tell him to stop?" It could be fear of hurting his feelings, him getting angry, but I think it can be boiled down to mistrust in him. If he wasn't taking advantage of you like this and did something to upset you, you shouldn't feel any hesitation to tell your best friend "this isn't right". None of this is your fault and no one should be treating you that way. I think if you confront him about it, his response will be very telling about what kind of person he is. I may not know the full story, but from an outsider looking in, it really sounds like he's hiding behind drinking and going through a rough time to take advantage of you, because you're a good person who's willing to be his support system.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Sexual harassment comes in all forms and is usually the people closest to us, and it's an experience coupled with a lot of pain, guilt, shame, confusion, betrayal, the list it endless. I hope that you feel welcome to contact the services mentioned above by Sophie_M, or reach out for mental health support to help you process some of this. Counsellors can be great in helping you get some great perspective and helping you through the next steps. Just know that we hear you and you aren't alone.

[The_Bro]

Hi Isabella

Just a quick note of thanks for picking up on some points in my reply to Idontread.

I appreciate it that someone else has read what I wrote, and amplified it with some very good thoughts.

Bye for now - The Bro

[Learn to Fly]

Hi idontread,

I agree with the previous Guys, they've had some very wise advice for you.

You want to feel comfortable in your own place, room, bed. You don't want to keep such disturbing thoughts at the back of your mind. I am really glad you have reached out here so hopefully, we can all reassure you that what he did was wrong, out of place and downright damaging. You have a right to tell him that and set clear boundaries so this never ever happens again and never ever progresses to anything more. Unless he has your consent. I am not sure if you would also prefer this but maybe refrain for a while or altogether from comforting him through his rough time. I think as his friend, you have done more than enough to help him, and continuing to be there for him even after the assault. He might be getting the wrong message and translating it into a further invitation.

Don't be afraid to set clear boundaries and ask him to respect them. You have done nothing wrong, quite the opposite, and it's him who should be apologising, feeling embarrassed, sorry, and henceforth: respectful of your wishes.

Let us know how you go and look after yourself.