I need advice

OnlyAway · ‎23-04-2021

Hello to whoever is reading this,

I have been diagnosed with PTSD for a few months now. I was severely physically and verbally (usually telling me to end myself) bullied at age 13. I am 15 now, but I just can't get away from the flashbacks no matter how hard I try. The girl who gave me so much pain is coincidentally everywhere I go, and I tend to have panic attacks of fear that she would hurt me again. I have briefly explained the surface of my trauma regarding this girl to my friends, but they still seem to talk to her, even though they know how much she hurt me. I feel so alone as I find it difficult to talk to anyone. Posting anonymously seems to be the only form of communication I feel comfortable with.

Everyday is so stressful that I really don't see the point of continuing. Why should I wake up everyday just to feel the same pain I felt the day before? The thought of this girl makes me so sick and sad. The harsh things she said to me really stung, especially when she would tell me I was worthless and not good enough. Everything is just... so hard. Nobody is open to listen.

I am also suffering with social anxiety, depression and anorexia. They aren't giving me any help about my trauma at all.

I have really considered suicide, and even thinking of so now. But, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. Whenever I try and talk to my mother, her response is "just think happy thoughts", which obviously isn't very possible at the moment. And goodness, my father doesn't even realise what's going on. I have talked to my councillors, but I find it so difficult to talk about the bullying without feeling like I am about to throw up. My friends don't understand either, but I can't blame them for that.

Please, I am in desperate need of advice. I want to stop feeling so hopeless. I wish I was happy again. I want to be away from this girl but life is so cruel and putting me and her together in every possible situation. I want to escape, but I feel so stuck.

Thank you to whoever is reading this. I hope you are well during these covid-times.

Sophie_M · ‎23-04-2021

Hi OnlyAway,

Thanks for joining us on the Beyond Blue forums.

We're sorry to hear how stuck you feel at the moment. We can imagine it would be so stressful and overwhelming to constantly be around the person who abused you. We acknowledge how painful and upsetting it can be to open up about issues such as bullying, however, we think it's important to try and let your parents and counsellor know how desperate you're feeling. If it feels more comfortable, perhaps you could write to them about your situation rather than saying it in person? We think you are so strong for seeking help here. It makes sense that you are looking to support yourself, that's a lot to deal with. Please know that you're not alone, and there is help available to you.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We would strongly recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided. Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

geoff · ‎24-04-2021

Hello OnlyAway, it's very brave of you to post your comment and we certainly appreciate your courage.

Sophie_M has given Kids Helpline which is great, 1800 55 1800 these are trained counsellors and dress in casual clothes, which tends to break down a person's ability to feel comfortable talking with someone.

It's not pleasant to have these upsetting thoughts, memories, especially when you see her around because it makes you feel on edge to be able to function the way you would like to and believe me, it's not a weakness for you at all but will affect most things you try and do every day at the moment.

PTSD and also involve having depression of some type, although I'm not a doctor to say, but from experience, this is what happened to me and I know how isolated this can make you feel.

Please don't feel alone we are here to talk to you and hope you can get back to us whenever you can.

Geoff.

S_D · ‎24-04-2021

Hello OnlyAway,

Thank you so much for opening up here. I'm so sorry to hear about how you have been treated by this person, it is not at all okay what they have said and done to you and you are so strong and brave to be sharing this with us on here. It makes so much sense that you are feeling the way that you are after what you have been through. I want you to know that no matter how overwhelming things might feel right now, things do get better. When I was 15 I went through something very similar and like yourself wasn't getting the support I needed from family or friends. I am so grateful that I never acted on my dark thoughts at the time as now that i'm an adult things have totally changed in ways I never thought possible. When we are going through our teenage years there are so many things that feel out of our control however as we get older we will meet more people that we will feel a connection with which makes life fun and you will have more independence to do the things you want to and potentially even help others who are going through similar difficulties. If you are open to it I have three suggestions that have come to mind that could help? (see next post)

S_D · ‎24-04-2021

1. Write a letter (no need to actually send it to this person, this is more for your wellbeing then anything else) to the person who had bullied you explaining how it had made you feel etc. Just putting this on paper might help you to take the edge off the intensity of your feelings and help you to let go of some of the awful things that would be going through your mind right now. You might want to destroy the letter after writing it and when doing so see if that helps to release some of uncomfortable feelings you have about what has happened.

2. Book an appointment with a GP and see if you can get on a free mental health plan to see someone who specialises in PTSD. They will have many suggestions about tools for managing this and coping with the situation you are in right now.

3. Take up a hobby that will distract you and/ or help you to process some of the emotions you are experiencing atm. For me this was martial arts. I was able to process the feelings of frustration, sadness, and anger that I felt towards the bullying I survived and even meet some of my now best friends in the process. Because you are also exercising while you learn the techniques your body will release feel good hormones such as endorphins leaving you feeling amazing after the class. Plus you learn will self-defence tools that will help you to feel super empowered and ready to take on any new challenges. If this really isn't for you I would suggest trying yoga and meditation. This will help you to shift from beta brain waves to alpha brain waves leaving you feeling relaxed and grounded and therefore much happier!
Really feeling for you right now and hope our responses have been helpful. You are doing so well despite what you have been through and I really believe after all this things can only get better. Keep reaching out to us on the forums because the people here really do care about you and each other! Please let me know if you ever end up taking up any of the suggestions I made and if they helped and I would love to know. Oh also one last thought: pet therapy! I've listened to a podcast that suggested one of the best things to treat PTSD is having a pet. Maybe chat to your folks about adopting a kitten, puppy, or any animal you like the most?

OnlyAway · ‎24-04-2021

Thank you everyone for the reply. It makes me feel slightly less alone. I will try out the advice you all have given to me. Again, I really appreciate it.