i know im shutting down again. i dont know what to do.

[trace87]

Hi. Im 29 female. My life has been packed with major events most negative some positive but short lived. At the age of 5 my parents divorced and docs put me in foster care for 6 months (my mothers friends who were orginally looking after us belted me up. The school notified docs.) In this time my sister was at home with my mother. I returned home to who would soon become my step dad in the kitchen and our babysitter in the loungeroom. By age 6 i got first visitation with my father since the divorce. Things settled a bit from there. Age 17 xmas school holiday visiting dad. (He lived on acres in the country.) He went to the shop which was 2 hours away. And never returned. The police came to the house and announced he was in a fatal accident. The following day mum comes to get me. From here im never the same. I get back to school and the whole school knows. This was the first time i felt so numb, i didnt eat. I didnt talk. I wanted to be with him. I blamed myself as i was meant to be in the car too but took too long in the bathroom that day. By age 19 i meet a lovely guy at the dance club. We hit it off and are together 2.5 years. In this time we live together and get engaged. By age 22 we split. He stopped coming home. I chucked a sicky from work and went to his parents to find him with their neighbour, 6months after this my nan and pop pass away. Again im devistated and start believing i am cursed. I dedicate my time to work keeping the roof over my head and adopt a pup from the pound. Things go smooth again. 26 after 10years service at work im bullied so bad i attempt to finish myself but see my litte dog and i stop. From here im in house lockdown with family to rehab. I rehab and get a new job. New place and meet someone special. Now we have been together on n off 6 years. In that time i have been up and down. Cheated on n caught him but for some reason keep coming back. Sad part is we are living together now. And although he has changed alot and there are no others now. Im beginning to think its too late that im already too numb toward him after all this time, we live in seperate rooms. I started a new job 4 months ago. And im on workers comp for a shoulder injury and workplace descrimination. (Im the only female there). I feel myself cracking. The hopelessness and depression keep me awake at all hours. Im shutting down again Nothing no matter how hard ive faught or tried has ever panned out how ive hoped. I dont know wht my purpose is. Im lost.

[white knight]

Hi trace, welcome

You are some courageous girl!! Thankyou for sharing your life.

Are you visiting a psych or counselor? I'd suggest so.

Living in separate rooms doesn't seem a happy relationship. Trust once broken is never repaired. I think you deserve a more caring and dedicated partner.

A few threads here might help. Google them for a read.

" topic: so what are their mental illnesses? Beyondblue"

"topic: bullying- beyond blue"

"topic: be radical- beyond blue"

There are many things that happen in our lives that are not our fault, totally out of our control.Bullying is one family tragedy another. We have to overcome it so I hope your new membership here will assist you to do that.

You have proved to be resilient. Keep going.

Tony WK