I have no one

Imarni · ‎22-02-2021

My kids hate me. I came from childhood trauma. I don’t think I should have had kids. I don’t show emotions well. I experienced multiple episodes of sexual abuse as a teen and my kids when they reached the age I was abused have triggered me repeatedly with flashbacks and nightmares. I’ve sought years of help, just stopped the suicide attempts. Now their young adults and ready to leave. I have cut off all contact with all others and when they go don’t see a point in any real existence. I have bipolar and ptsd and I live for my pets but one is old and I am tired. What the point. My kids call me fat and awful names and have told me they want me to commit suicide. I feel just sad and really what am I here for?

Sophie_M · ‎22-02-2021

Hi Imarni,

Thank you for reaching out here tonight. We understand it can be tough to open up about things that are so sensitive and painful. It sounds like you are in a dark place right now and we are concerned about you, so we are reaching out to you privately to check in and offer some support.

It sounds like you have been given the diagnoses of bipolar and PTSD - can we ask if you are currently receiving any mental health support? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

If you are feeling distressed tonight, we'd recommend getting in touch with the Suicide Call Back Service. The Suicide Call Back Service is a nationwide service providing 24/7 telephone and online counselling to people affected by suicide. You can call them on 1300 659 467 or chat to them here - https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

If at any time you become a danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

You might also be interested in reading through one of the community threads, “Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/tell-us-your...

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully a few of our members will be by to welcome you over the next few days and provide some words of support.

smallwolf · ‎22-02-2021

As Sophie_M said... to post here what you have been going through and subjected to from your kids takes strength and courage. And the things you have mentioned they said to you are not deserved. Whats others say to us can be very hurtful - this I know.

Sophie_M has posted some questions, so my only addition here is to listen to you tell your story. I hope you will come back and write some more. (Oh, and there is also a thread called "this bipolar life" on the forums you want to meet others there.

Tim

Imarni · ‎23-02-2021

It’s really complex. I attempted suicide a few years back. My son found the note I was found not conscious and tracked by police and my phone in bushland few km away. 5 years later he’s very angry. I had another serious depression 2 years back and sought help. I so absolutely get his view and know past 5 years not easy on him. I couldn’t guarantee I won’t become unstable again and he told me he couldn’t cope if I completed. I decided if he hated me he would t be affected. I did not feel he would attempt his university goals if he stayed with me. I pushed him away. Now he’s leaving this weekend and we barely speak. I have pushed all friendships aside. I recently accessed psych paperwork not realising friends were involved in that part of my life and what they have said is recorded such as bipolar and suicidality is demanding so I just shut down. So now I feel very flat. We were very close and I’ve destroyed the relationship so he can leave and have a life. But he hates me now.

Imarni · ‎23-02-2021

In reply to Sophie’s questions. I was abused as a teen within the m/health space. I find it very hard to trust and access help. Now I have read some of my records all trust is gone for them as they seem very judgmental.

smallwolf · ‎23-02-2021

Thanks for replying. While I am unsure of what happened in your life, what happened in your teen days was unacceptable so your hesitation to talk to someone is understandable. And the worst part is you don't or never get the support or help you were looking for.

Can I ask if you have any tools or strategies?

Beyond blue also has an app for safety planning which you might want to look at as well.

We can talk about whatever you like. Otherwise how has your day been?

Guest9337 · ‎23-02-2021

I can feel the love you have for your children, despite the hardships you experience.

If you are being verbally abused and bullied by your children you could seek assistance from domestic violence helplines.

Imarni · ‎26-02-2021

I have, I exercise and distract with my garden and pets and in evenings just watch some comedy. I feel it’s a busy house but we are all very isolated. Kids want to eat in bed and trying to connect is difficult. I am trying but end of day feel I am here to just serve them and I would like to spend some time knowing their lives are ok and I don’t get much feedback. I understand teens and young adults don’t want to spend time with parents but be nice to eat together. I am probably being needy because of one leaving and the friendships ended. I am in a couple of groups, craft but don’t find it easy to connect to others and tend to keep to myself.

smallwolf · ‎26-02-2021

On "serving them" ... It would be nice if they listen/ed to us when a teen. I look at my kids and can feel similar to you. At the same time if I think back when I was around their age there were some similarities. Teens are looking for their independence at this stage of life. Of course they might take it too far as well.

Can you give some examples of serving them? Perhaps you might be able to install some boundaries?

And you could perhaps start a new family dinner on the weekend? This was something my psychologist suggested to me some time ago. It worked for a period of time.

As kids leave "the nest" there is a hole to fill (somehow). In the next few years I will be in that position. Well, I hope they don't live with us forever?

Lastly, on connecting to others.... that can take time. It also helps if others also talk to you also. A person I knew stood at the door of a church until someone said hello to him.