I have become a woman abuser!

matt21 · ‎03-02-2016

6 years ago I went through some traumatic times that I had no control over and it effected me greatly and I have never felt the same and became unsocial cutting off contact with most friends. I come from a violent upbringing. Over the years when very drunk I have had the occasional outbursts but never hurt anyone and generally was nice to everyone when drunk. The last 12 months has been hugely stressful. Small things have become big things and have just felt so angry on the inside and easily frustrated. I had a amazing woman who I became engaged to and was the rock in our relationship.

Things got worse till in December after a music festival where I drank like an idiot I just lost it back at the hotel room for no reason and shoved her to the ground and swearing at her. We spoke the next day and she had said that in 2 years she never felt threatened and that I need help and if it ever happened again it was over. I agreed and saw a gp and explained my past and he said I was suffering from anxiety and depression and put me on medication which I felt good from after a week I thought everything was going to be ok from now on and it felt so good to love life again and have some patience. My fiancé also moved her and her daughters into our new house recently. Then it happened again 2 weeks ago, music festival, too much alcohol and I went to drive home!!! argued and I pulled over told her her to get out, took her bag, shoved her to the ground and threatened her.

She has since moved out and in with her mum and says that even though she will love me forever we cant be together. We had a great relationship most of the time and I promise I do not get jealous, I support her friendships, I never try to control her and this should be the prime of our relationship after getting engaged in September and finally getting to live together.

I have spent hours each day researching what I need to do. Most stories I read are about men who have always displayed some kind abuse by being controlling and verbally cruel etc. This just seems to have come out of nowhere. We have never even had a big argument just small rows that we talk about openly later. I now refuse to get drunk again and have cut back alcohol use dramatically because I wont choose alcohol over people I love. I am seeing a psychologist this week but hoping for any other advice or similar stories for a better understanding. If I sound like I'm making excuses etc then I'm open to a dose of reality.

Matt

pipsy · ‎03-02-2016

Hi matt21. The mere fact that you recognise how you behave when drunk is incredible. If you want to reconcile with your gf, you're going to have to do some really hard work to prove that past actions are just that - past. You know you've scared Hell out of her, you don't need me to tell you. Just telling her you've stopped drinking won't bring her back, she's terrified. One thought springs to mind, write to her, telling her, sincerely, you know what you did was wrong. Ask her if she'd like to have dinner with you, possibly with mutual friends (who don't drink). Reiterate you're definitely not drinking. That way, if she's nervous, there's others around who can reassure her. You don't need me to 'kick your butt', you're doing that all by yourself. Tell her you still love her and (if she's agreeable), ask her for dinner. You may have to 'date' her a few times, but once she sees you're not going to repeat past mistakes, she may agree to give it another go.

At this stage, you have nothing to lose by contacting her. I'm so pleased you've stopped drinking.

Best wishes.

matt21 · ‎03-02-2016

Thanks for the advice Pipsy. I have been in contact with her with emails explaining how I will do whatever it takes to get myself right so she feels safe and regains her trust in me, but she said it was too hard at the moment and asked for some space which I have done. I think I need give her time to heal and work on myself because I was going downhill and lost 9kg and not slept much since that night 2 weeks ago. In time hopefully I can show her I have put my words into actions. Her mother has texted me a few times and told me she is a mess and not coping.

pipsy · ‎03-02-2016

Hi matt. I think you're going to have to respect gf's wishes for the time being. As you say, work on getting your self right. What I would consider, email/txt occasionally, let her know you're thinking of her. Maybe send her the odd bunch of flowers. It's going to take time, but if it's worth having, it's worth working for. Each time you txt/email tell her how much you love her. I wouldn't mention anything more about what happened, that's past history and destructive. By keeping in touch, you're showing her how much you want this relationship. Slow and easy does it.

Best wishes.

matt21 · ‎03-02-2016

Thanks for you suggestions pipsy. I really appreciate it. I'm lost wondering how you get to 43 and then start being abusive to the most gentle and loving woman I have met. Hopefully I will get those answers some day.

Matt

pipsy · ‎03-02-2016

Hi matt. I think deep down you know what the answer is. You didn't plan it. When we come from abusive backgrounds we tell ourselves, we're never going to do what was done to us. Unfortunately, you got drunk, something triggered an unpleasant, long forgotten memory and you lashed out. The drink, coupled with, maybe, an innocent remark from someone (not necessarily your gf), brought it back to the surface and you simply 'snapped'. You may never recall what triggered the attack, the point is, it happened while you were 'under the influence'. Unfortunately, your gf was on the receiving end of your anger. It could've been anyone, it's unfortunate it was your gf. Try not to dwell on it, you've really learnt your lesson, that's what's important. You know not to drink, I don't think you will ever repeat that mistake. What you have to concentrate on now, is building bridges with gf. I can tell you really love her and I feel she loves you too. Give her time, let her know what she means to you. Bashing yourself up over it is counter-productive. You've admitted fault, you're trying to show her you love her by respecting her, giving her space. Hang in there, show her you are who she fell in love with. That other person doesn't exist. That wasn't you, that was drink. You are a good, sensitive guy. show her that side of you.