I feel lost and broken.

[Chaz10]

Today I saw my therapist. She has helped me feel safe and connected with her over time. After seeing her in session today I felt really guilty for having sad emotions and expressing them to her. Even though it’s her job to help me. I don’t want to be a burden of a client. I struggle to end our sessions because I’m afraid to feel this feelings on my own. I’m carrying all this weight and pain and it makes me feel like this is all that I am. I am made up of sadness and trauma. And I feel like at the moment I can’t be around anyone without weighing them down too.
I don’t think that who I am is good enough for anything. My confidence feels shattered and I feel really lost. I feel like I should be doing better.
I can’t sleep at night because my mind is repeating the abuse I experienced from my dad growing up. I am 25 and feel homesick. I want the love of parents that I never had.
I want to feel safe and loved. I don’t want to feel broken anymore.




I don’t want this to be my life anymor

[Sophie_M]

Hi Chaz10,

Reading your post, it sounds like things have gotten really overwhelming and it’s becoming hard to manage these feelings by yourself. You said that talking doesn’t help- since you’ve been willing to share your feelings here, we’d really like you to try talking to us about this, at least for a little while, to offer some support.
 
If things are feeling too much tonight, please give us a ring. So we can help to keep your safe. There are also a few other phone and web services that could be of help:

Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636
Kids Helpline (for ages between 5 and 25) 1800 551 800

If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
 

[mmMekitty]

Hello Chaz10, & welcome to the forum.

I understand where you're coming from. I've had similar problems, & when it's time to finish the session with my Psychiatrist, & I'm still feeling upset, & feel so conflicted, knowing I want to stay, slowly recover & then leave, but also, He may have another patient who will be waiting by now, & not wanting to share certain things, because I thought they would be too much , & feeling he's pushing me out...I've felt all this.

I talked about these feelings with him. It's okay. He has explained, what he feels is his to deal with. I'm not there for him to lay his feelings on me. If he needs, I know he can seek his own counselling/therapy as needed.

I know he's human. That can make it difficult. But that is something human is.

If your therapist is experienced, she'll be able to talk through all these thoughts & feelings with you. That doesn't mean you'll get to have extended sessions because you happen to be upset. 😼

Hope Ill see you around soon.

mmMekitty

[Chaz10]

Yes they have got very overwhelming.

Christmas time of year is very difficult. It brings up feelings of loneliness and no connection. I wish I had a family, support and love. I am reminded of the pain in my life. I am not seeing my therapist for 4 weeks as she is now on leave. This makes me feel very anxious. I look forward to having a safe place to go. I feel like I have no one to talk to. Everyone is busy with their families.
I feel very alone. I am trying to do all the right things to get through this period of time.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Chaz10,

Thank you for sharing with us here. We are so sorry to hear that Christmas is such a hard time for you, especially as it brings up some awful feelings. We understand how difficult things can be when you are unable to see your therapist, so we just want to remind you that we care and we are all here to support you. 

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our support service (1300 22 4636), our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We are all here with you.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Chaz,

I'm here. You are not entirely alone. I know there are other people on BB talking & listening over the Xmas & New Year period.

I'm not with any family, or friends, staying at home doing my own Xmas wihch includes coming to BB & chatting with people like you, who are feeling so very lonely.

My own Psychiatrist is also on his annual long break, & deep feelings come up for me every time. Over the years we've talked about these feelings, too, & I still have them, but now, I know they aren't going to last forever, won't harm me, other than to upset me, & I'm learning to accept that being upset is not the end of the world.

I'm finding ways to help me feed my self-esteem, so I don't feel so abandoned & unable to cope. That's one reason I am here on BB today.

May I ask, what are the 'right' things you do during these times? What helps, even a little?

When my mind troubles me with memories I will do something to distract me from paying attention to the memories. I used to write them all out, & then say to myself, 'there, on the page. Now, stop going over & over & let me sleep', something like that. I have painted them, I have written poetry, & still do. I have put music on to listen to, just loud enough to make me have to try to hear it, & therefore not the thoughts, but now I find audiobooks are more effective, & it really doesn't matter if I lose track,fall asleep & miss some, because I can go back & play it over.

I know some people get up, pace, exercise a little, take a shower, maybe have a little snack or watch a little tv.

Whether you do something or not, your sleep is not going to come easily. If you wake during the night, & ar thinking, it will take longer to go back to sleep. I've learned, there is no sense complaining or chastising yourself for this. It is happening for a valid reason. Of-course it would be nice if it doesn't, but it does.

Over time, with your therapist, these memories will become easier to live with.

We have come so far; we must be survivors.

I am quite a number of years ahead of you, so you can know there is a way forward. & I'm not the only one, & my way is not the only way. I didn't know, when I was 25, that so many options were even possible, & had no one to tell me. I'm happy to tell you now.

Let this be my Xmas gift to you: peace & hope, & someone who is listening.

mmMekitty

[JimmiD]

Hi Chaz

This is a terrible time to be going through. Only you know how that feels and is for you. My heart reaches out to you. Many of us here feel similar things. And at this time of year when there is so much focus on family and friends it gets very lonely, almost unbearably lonely when you don't feel close to family or friendly ties.

What can I say. I feel my own pain at this time. So we can share it together with others here.

I took myself camping on Boxing Day. Totally alone. But I thought going into a forest area would give me the peace that nature brings. Instead I found myself helping a number of different groups of people out of trouble from lost and damaged trailers full of equipment to hopelessly bogged vehicles. I am a skilful and resourceful man so I was able to do a lot and end the difficulties of others. I really had very little rest and I left the area covered in mud, dirty and tired. But doing for others in their time of need distracted me from my own troubles. And people were very thankful.

The moral of this story is...I suppose...that no matter how bad you feel...or how valueless you feel..it is not true. You do have value as a person. You always have value as a person. You are worthy. And your life will live a good course.

Never give up Chaz.

Love an Hugs

Jimmi