i dont know my purpose

[miintaii]

Throughout high school, I was a very high achiever and always trying my best to apply myself and help others around me. I was in the debate team, school vice-captain etc. I've always been more than happy to do things for others, it gave me purpose and made me feel appreciated. I also really liked that it made me look like a good person, as I'm very sensitive to the way people around me perceive me. Which obviously is not a great way to live. Its caused me to develop ed in the past.

However my last 2 years of high school I had struggled to apply myself and find any motivation to study or do well. I was only motivated to participate in activities that would benefit the people around me. Things that were easy and fun. Long story short I didn't do well in my hsc. Earlier in the year, my careers advisor had told me that a bachelor of communications would be perfect as I had made many promotional videos for the school and videos about things like raising awareness for violence against women. I got into the course, and happy to do so because she had told me I was good at it and she could tell I enjoyed it.

In March I started my course and I quickly realised how uninterested and unmotivated I am. I don't care about studying and I'm too scared to admit that to my parents because they are strict and have always expected a lot from me. I don't know what to do because I'm failing my degree and I've just realised that I don't even know what I truly want to do. I don't have any talents or interests in anything except for anime and manga which is a hobby. I've lived my life going off what people told me they wanted or expected from me and now I'm in the real world and I have to live by what I want, except I don't know what to do.

I can't imagine myself doing anything in the future, I lose interest in things quickly and give up if I'm not good at the 1st attempt. I'm thinking about dropping out to stay at home so I can care for my grandmother like I have been for the last 3 years. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm being selfish and lazy. I'm starting to have bad thoughts that I haven't had for a long time. I have to make a statement in court that's 3 weeks away, someone had sexually assaulted me while I was a minor. I've just been really unhappy. I'm only happy doing makeup, watching anime and listening to music.

[Sophie_M]

Hi miintaii,

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community today, we know that it is not an easy thing to do. We are so sorry to hear what you've been going through, it sounds like a very overwhelming time for you right now. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to express youself, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We're also getting in touch with you via email to provide you with some additional supports.

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.  

[bipolarbeauty]

Hi miintaii

Welcome to the forums, it's not easy to make the first post.

You sound like a very caring person - to think about your grandmother like that - your story resonated with me, I wanted to help and take care of my grandparents when I was in high school too. I, too, struggled with my identity as a person and I was a "people-pleaser". It took me many years to not always "people-please" and to learn this was really hard for me, as other people's opinion about me was important to me at that time. I just came to a point that I wanted to make a life out of how I want it to be. I learnt to filter out some other people's opinions about me, and not caring about them at all sometimes helped. I want to gently remind you that you are not alone in this. I have definitely been down that road.

Feel free to come back to this thread if you want to share more. We are here for you. I look forward to seeing your post.

Suzi

[missep123]

Hi miintaii,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling that way. As a high-achiever in high school I completely know the feeling. It's exhausting! I was also very sensitive to how others perceived me and I wanted to be liked by everyone.

You are not alone in not knowing what you want to do in the future! Especially with university degrees a lot of people try a few different ones to see what really 'fits'. Maybe it could be an idea to do some volunteering or internships to find out what you like, you may find your passion again!

Please keep us updated, you are definitely not alone 🙂

[therising]

Hi miintaii

Definitely tough when we've been raised to meet a lot of expectations and the raising factor pretty much stops there. If you were to ask people around you 'How were to taught to raise your self', you could imagine you'd either get a look of confusion or 'I don't suppose I was taught how to raise myself'. It's a strange thought really, one we don't typically consider.

Personally, I've been pretty conscious over the last decade or so in regard to how I raise myself (since coming out of depression). The most common issue I come across in life involves how I rise to meet challenges. Some challenges will be small, whereas others will be life changing. Some will be met independently, whereas others will require me to seek help from trusted resources (online research, family, professionals etc).

I believe challenges require us to be sensitive and thoughtful in many cases. Sounds like you have great sensitivity and thoughtfulness. Another factor required in rising to meet challenges involves healthy self-esteem. Took me many years to develop this. Before gaining healthy self-esteem, sensitivity and thoughtful analysis felt more like a curse. It's strange how we say 'I feel sad' or 'I feel joyful' but we don't always feel the sensitivity that comes with sadness or joy. With sadness, for example, there can be a slight heavy feeling or sense in our heart area (heavyhearted), a sensation in our throat (feeling choked up) and pressure in our head, along with our thoughts. When the pressure builds up enough, eventually we vent (cry). By the way, with you addressing what no person should ever have to (involving you going to court), I pray you recognise that what may feel like anxiety rising in you is in fact the course of courage powering up within you. It is the nature of life, to produce a course that leads it to shake and erupt with great power. I pray you find your power, courage and self love at this time and always.

Anime, make-up and music are very sensory based interests (sight, sound, touch). The love you have for your gran is also very sensory. You are sensitive to joy and sensitive to what does not bring you joy. Does your challenge involve confidently addressing what does not bring you joy in your life?

By the way, one trick to developing healthy self-esteem involves replacing what people think of you with how people think. Folk can be crazy, with their thoughts being highly questionable. Be an observer and always question, when need arises.

🙂

[therising]

Forgot to mention, I believe your purpose in life is to shed light on the truth. Whether the truth is revealed through injustice or you show others the truth in regard to their ultimate power and abilities (as a guiding light to them) - your purpose is found as a truth seeker and light worker.

You have incredible abilities waiting to be discovered 🙂

[Devine09]

Hi after reading your story it became so clear to me what was going on when you said at the end " I have to make a statement in court that's 3 weeks away, someone had sexually assaulted me while I was a minor". Do you have an idea how stressful that is and how much it can change your life. I am not surprised you are feeling the way you do. I don't know if you have sort counselling for the sexually assault but if you haven't do. It is VERY important. I have been through this too and believe me the sooner you start talking about this to someone you trust the better it will be. I have suffered from PTS from this and in my uneducated opinion it sounds so very much like you do to. So a trip to the doctors would be an idea too. And lastly, please give yourself a break. You don't have to be everything to everyone. Look after yourself too. You are a very special person, I can tell. Best of luck.

[known]

Hi miintaii,

Hope you're doing OK, thank you for sharing.

You are definitely not alone in these feelings. I'm sorry that you were assaulted. That's a lot to go through. And I am sorry about how you're feeling about purpose and life. We live in a system that is very geared towards productivity and "doing". It sounds as though you're really drawn to sensory and artistic endeavours. It's awesome that you can recognise that you are interested in music, makeup and Anime, and you're good at caring for other people. Follow those threads, it is where you will find the most joy.

I am in my thirties, it takes practice to unlearn people pleasing. Please know that in a lot of ways it is not a bad thing; learn how to harness it and how to learn what feels right for you and trust your gut. I have worked in jobs that absolutely did not float my boat—I just wanted to make everyone else proud of me, but it felt like a lie. I am now following my heart and what interests me. It feels much better!

Have a look at the anime, makeup and arts sectors. They are filled with people who are doing "different" things. Find a counsellor to process the assault. Be kind to yourself.

Sending hugs, and looking forward to reading your update.

[LexiJane]

Hi Miintaii,

You are preaching to the choir! I was like you, very driven until the last couple years of highschool and then even university. First off, have you tried talking to your parents about how you're feeling?

My parents were very successful and I always felt the need to be the best of the best in my academics, but I am now 30 and realize that I do not need to be the best and I've become much happier. I've also come to realize that I am more of a carer instead of academically motivated... and the kicker is that I have 3 degrees! I was on probation after my first semester in my first degree..

Realize that though your parents may appear to want something from you, they are not you and may have difficulty understanding why you don't want to finish a degree that you committed to. Have you tried talking to the university counsellor to see if there is something you can transfer to that you would be more interested in?

There are a lot of 'extra' courses in a degree, which can lead people to think they're failing because they lack interest. Perhaps if there is a designation or certification that you need, maybe consider looking into more practice experience? Such as a TAFE course or online? Education has taken on a whole new world and there's a lot of things you can do to be 'successful' but also have some education to back it.

Keep your chin up! Never lose interest in your hobbies and continue loving your Grandma the way you are.

LexiJane

[Deckt]

Hey miintaii!

Hope you're going ok. I gather from your post that you're young, first year uni? You don't need to know your purpose. In the words of the Sunscreen Song - "Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t"

You're young! You've got time to try things, decide you don't like them, and try something new. I'm 41 this year. I've still got time to try things, decide I don't like them, and do something new.

I think that if you wanted to stay at home and care for your grandmother, that would be an excellent use of your time, and not at all "selfish". Take some time to be kind to yourself, and try some things! It sounds like you might be a little burned out from high achieving in high school. It's pretty common. Just take it easy. 🙂

Hugs,

Dt.