I don't understand my trauma.

[Echtis]

Hello,

I was diagnosed with PTSD a little over a year ago with comorbid MDD.

One of the ways I deal with my trauma is through writing. I try writing down what I think happened.

Despite being a "victim of CSA" I don't think my trauma was around that but because of an extremely neglectful and abusive home life. When I try to process what happened over years, and compare it to present reality, none of it seems real, as though it is just a story full of plot holes. Things that I think made sense don't, events don't line up. I remember it all like it was yesterday, but it feels like a movie.

Obviously reality is not a movie, which calls into question the legitimacy of my trauma. Did things happen as I think they did? Is it just a series of events that I exaggerated in my head? Was any of it real?

If it wasn't real, why do I feel this way? How can I determine what did happen, if what I think happened doesn't make sense? When two conflicting, contradicting memories exist, which one is real?

If my existence is defined by this trauma, and the trauma isn't real, then what does that mean for me?

How have others verified their abuse when no one else saw it?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Echtis, 

That must be a really unpleasant way to be feeling, and we're glad you could reach out here and share this. We know that it can be really difficult to take that step, but you never know who might read your post and feel less alone in their own experience.  

Do you have support with this? We'd really recommend making contact with Blue Knot, on 1300 657 380 (Monday – Sunday between 9am - 5pm AEST). They provide counselling to anyone who has experienced childhood trauma. You can also call Beyond Blue to talk things through at any time, on 1300 22 4636. We're also available on webchat, for those moments when it's hard to pick up the phone, and you'd rather speak to someone online. 

We hope the writing is helpful to you, it sounds like a really good thing to do. There is some information on the Blue Knot website about writing or telling your story which might be helpful for you to look at. It's definitely worth discussing this practice, and the thoughts and feelings it brings up for you, with the support you have, or with one of the Blue Knot or Beyond Blue counsellors mentioned above.  

We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums. Hopefully a few of the lovely members of this community will be along soon, some of whom will be able to relate to what you're going through.  

Please feel free to keep sharing, if you feel comfortable.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Echtis,

Warm welcome to the BB Forums. I'm glad to have you here, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I'm really sorry to hear about your past, and what you're going through at the moment... It must be frustrating and tough for you as you try and understand what your memories/feelings and emotions are telling you about your trauma as you try and recall them. Recalling takes a lot of mental strength and energy, and it's great that you're writing them down so that you can read back to what you've written, instead of burning more energy to recall them from your memories.

This might sound a bit far fetched, but I thought I'd share them. I recently came across an audio book that talks about the "Change Triangle" that explains how our minds deals with feelings and emotions. On each corner of the triangle, it represents the mechanics of our mind. On the bottom corner of the triangle, you have "Core Emotions" such as the feeling of fear/anger/sad/happy. There's the "Inhibitory Emotions" on the top right corner, such as the feeling of guilt/shame/anxiety. And at the top left corner of the triangle is "Defenses" which represents anything we do to avoid being overwhelmed by our Core and Inhibitory Emotions.

For you to feel disassociated with your memories, I wonder if it might be because your mind feels a sharp spike in core/inhibitory emotions when you try to recall the memories of your trauma. Your defenses immediately kicks in to disassociate the memories with your emotions. For example, if someone is overwhelmed by guilt or shame for doing something wrong, their immediate defense might be to throw a joke, or not listen any further in order to disassociate themselves from that feeling. This may cause you to feel as if your memories aren't real. The goal is to understand what your core emotions are telling you about your memories, and acknowledge those emotions so that you can help yourself feel better.

While I'm not an expert of any sorts, and cannot guarantee what I told you may be a solution. But hopefully it may help you in some way to understand yourself and what you've been thru. Writing is a great idea, and it might be beneficial if you can include how you felt/what were your emotions during what happened. You can then use it to talk through with your specialist, and it may give them some ideas on how to resolve some buried emotions within you.

Hopefully that helps Echtis. Happy to listen to you more if you feel like sharing.

Jt

[The_Bro]

Hi there Echtis

Welcome to our forum and congratulations on such a thoughtful and well written post!

The comments in your post that really struck me were that your past were 'Not like present reality'. Does that mean that your present reality reflects a happy and fulfilling situation? if so, you have already made giant progress.

I wonder if there is anyone in your family or immediate relatives/friends that you can discuss your past home situation with? I guess another view or some sort of authentication might be worthwhile, as part of your struggle seems to be whether it was real or not.

I had a pretty bad situation a few years ago, memories for which entered my mind at the most unexpected moments. As time passed, the memories gradually faded a little. What really helped is what a friend of mine called a 'Closure letter' - written to the person who created the problem in my mind, the letter outlined what happened, then farewelled all of it goodbye.

Kind of like consigning it to the rubbish bin. Of course the letter was never posted. I re wrote it a few times and found the process helped a lot to diminish the memories as they were in the past and could not influence the future.

That part was up to me as I had a lot to look forward to.

I do hope these comments may be a little useful, I'd love to hear your thoughts and see if your memories are a little less severe and not as defining.

Bye for now, The Bro.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Echtis,

Welcome to the forums. I'm really glad that you decided to join us. You've already gotten some great support here but I thought I'd jump in because I can definitely relate to your post. This is something I've been exploring with my own therapist.

When I shared pieces of what happened with other people, I was often told that 'That can't have happened', or 'He's too nice to do that', or 'You're making up stories', and eventually I believed it. It's taken a long time to realise that what happened was real and my pain is real.

Memory is a funny thing, but in trauma it helps us cope- if things don't feel real or if they feel like a story, it's easier not to identify with it. But truly understanding that this is real and it was real is part of recovery- because it means that we have to accept that this awful thing did happen and it wasn't ok.

I hope that this makes sense to you and helps a little. You're not alone in how you are feeling.

rt

[Leisa68]

Hi Echtis,

I am like you, I am confounded by this awful syndrome. I don't understand my trauma either, particularly as it (like you) is abusive, and now I am hiding in corners from my family. I have found some source of comfort from the book "The Body Keeps The Score" which was written by a clever man, Bessel Van Der Kalk. It really helped me understand the nature of the syndrome and how my mind is working. I also see a psychologist. I don't think this will ever go away, but at the age of 52, I can certainly see my self slowing down.

I hope things get much better for you. Take care.

Leisa