i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo (and Eagle Ray), 

Ahh yes, I get it that the idea is to focus on the feeling of safety to help the brain register the feeling. This will be my focus for the next while, I think. 

I had an acupuncture treatment yesterday, which helped a lot. I could feel my body unwinding. And, today I feel a-MAZE-ing!!!!!!! I actually feel relaxed, for the first time in soooooooooo long. It feels like the treatment has given my body a template or blueprint for a state of relaxation. And now I can build on that and tune into what it feels like on the inside. Before, it was very difficult to do that because I could not easily get myself into a state of relaxation and safety. I am planning on getting acupuncture treatment as often as I can for while, to really help my body to register that feeling, and as you say, give the brain a chance to do some rewiring. 

Another thing I just realised this morning.... my partner's son was over here and he was playing my Gasong drum. I hardly ever play it. But the way he played it was so gentle and soothing. I must play it more! We were just talking about crystal bowls and sound healing etc just the other day in this discussion thread. And then my partner's son plays my Gasong and reminds me that I have sound healing at my finger tips!! I love it how things that I need appear when I have a strong focus/intention.  

The Global Summit looks very interesting, thanks for mentioning that. I just signed up. I have listened to Gabor Mate talk about the Myth of Normal before. The line up looks very mixed and varied which is great! An interesting selection of speakers. Can't wait! 

take care and I hope you're both enjoying the weekend in some way, 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

I meant to say thank you for mentioning the mental health global summit. I will definitely have a look and try to see some of it. I know with such summits there is often the free version live or you can buy it if you are unable to view at the time. Hopefully I can catch some of it even with time zone differences. I love Gabor Mate’s work which has been hugely beneficial to me. Thanks again 🙏

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Dig,

That is wonderful you had that feeling of unwinding in the acupuncture session. Those kinds of things can be so, so helpful. I had a Bowen Therapy appointment yesterday which I find helpful in the same way. It releases tension in the fascia throughout the body. She uses singing bowls in the session too. I actually started falling asleep which is a really good sign for me as I do not usually fall asleep easily in the presence of another. I usually remain quite hypervigilant. But I am experiencing more and more letting go of this hypervigilance over time. I had a stressful disturbing letter when I got home from a covert narcissist relative. It initially made me feel sick to my stomach (undoing some of the good work from the Bowen Therapy) but I’ve managed to let much of that go now and restore some goodness. So my body is learning to rebalance itself from feelings of threat back to feeling safer again.

 I sent you a reply about half an hour ago to your post from yesterday but I think you posted just after so might have missed it. I am so glad you are feeling that deep relaxation - an awesome sign. I hope you and indigo have a lovely weekend too 🙏😊

[indigo22]

Hi dig & ER,

About the summit, I signed up last year and if I remember correctly, you can watch each of the speakers on video for 24 hours after their live presentation is finished. Makes it easier with the time difference. I noticed Sharon Salzburg is one of the speakers and she talks on Buddhist meditations. The film on Gabor Mate is mostly about his journey and I am going to watch it again, I really enjoyed it.

Acupuncture is great for moving energy and I think you will really benefit from it with a few sessions.

I used to see an osteopath years ago who also did acupuncture. I have only had acupuncture once and I had the most profound experience. After all the needles were placed, he said "I will just leave you to relax for a few minutes and then I'll be back". Soon after he left the room, with my eyes closed, I started flying around the room on the table, I was holding onto the hand grips for dear life and thinking "what the **** is happening". I must have been flying, ducking and weaving for about 2 minutes before I eventually landed. When he came back I told him what had happened and his explanation was that energy that is trapped has nowhere else to go but up and out through the crown chakra, which can cause hallucinations. I have never had another experience like it. I have never had another session because of my thing with needles, I couldn't relax, all I could think about during the session was getting the needles out of me 🤢

Relaxation is a difficult thing for me, even when I think I am relaxed, there is always tension in my shoulders and other areas. My psychotherapist works in a room at an osteopath's practice so I think I will try seeing the osteopath to work out a few of the chinks in the armour.

You are both doing a great job with healing your past trauma, I admire your strength in facing what a lot of people will avoid at all cost and you are setting an example for others to follow.

I hope you are both having a good day and enjoying the weekend.

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you about the summit indigo. I remember now with the other summits I've watched how you have the 24 hours for each presentation. Last year I was watching a healing summit like that and had my phone with me as I did tasks throughout the day so I could keep listening. It was like binging on many hours of healing material. I will definitely look out for the Gabor Mate film. I have two of his books, When the Body Says No and The Myth of Normal. I'm still getting through the latter (it is big). The first book applies so directly to me and the health issues I have struggled with and why.

The energy going up through the crown chakra in your acupuncture experience makes so much sense. The experience I remember telling you and dig before about leaving my body and seeing it from above all happened through the crown chakra. I could feel this intense pulling up through there and next thing my body was tipping and then lifting. This was the same experience mentioned above following the healing song being sung to me. I had a subsequent profound experience through the crown chakra too a short while after that. I felt this energy come in through there and it was like all these little creatures went into my brain and were tinkering away repairing areas that had been damaged by trauma. I know it was another self-healing mechanism at work. Once these processes start they often keep unfolding, like the body and spirit know how to heal when there is a remembrance of how that healing can happen.

I totally understand about the challenge of relaxing. I think it is gradual as I could not do it for years either and still struggle with it. But slowly, at least here and there, there are inklings of it and the body starts to restore some kind of primal memory of what relaxation is.

Take care you and dig,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigoand Dig,

Indigo, I just wanted to say thank you for mentioning the summit. I actually watched/listened to all of the ones available today as I went about various tasks at home. I particularly enjoyed and found helpful Gabor Maté, Thema Bryant, Cassandra Vieten and Chief Phil Lane Jnr.

I wrote notes from the Gabor Maté one as I got so much from it. I totally connect with the understanding of "mental illness" as embodied, and anxiety and depression as linked with trauma and core woundings rather than stand alone conditions in so many instances. I liked the quote Gabor Maté gave from Hans Selye:

The biggest stress of all is trying to be who you're not.

I really related to the statement that the most sacred thing is to be yourself, and so many of us with a trauma history got pushed off the path of being connected to ourselves.

I like the quiz that he suggests you do with yourself too:

What am I not saying no to?

What is the impact of not saying no?

What is my belief around not saying no?

What am I not saying yes to?

I could definitely apply the above to my own life, especially as I'm learning to say no at the moment and getting huge benefits to my mental/emotional and physical well-being as a result, and I feel even by extension the spiritual as you start to follow your heart and spirit once you say no to the things that aren't good for you but you kept doing because of a trauma history. I'm finding I'm now able to say yes to a much more positive looking future as I let go of past patterns, feelings of obligation and pressure, etc.

I hope you don't mind me writing about these things in your thread Dig. I just thought they might be helpful in relation to the topic of feeling safety. The very reason I've had such a hard time saying no in my life is the fear of drastic consequences of rage from others if I do. I'm overcoming my fears now of others reactions and feeling empowered to act in my own interests. I'm learning to make myself safe and have a strong, healthy boundary.

I hope you are both having a good week,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER & dig,

Sorry I have been a little bit busy this week but should have more time to post in the next few days. I am glad you are getting something from the summit and I agree with you, that is a good discussion with Gabor, I also liked Thema and might add her book to my reading list at some point. I haven't been able to find a link to Gabor's film yet, called The Wisdom of Trauma, so I might email them tomorrow to ask how and when we are able to access it, I think you will both get a lot out of it.

I really like Peter Coyote from today's episodes, he was on last year also, something authentic and serene about him. Still listening to some of the others, will converse more when I have a bit more time.

Hope you are both well,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo and Dig,

I've had a few people recommend the Wisdom of Trauma so it is one I would like to see too. I liked Thema's compassion and wisdom and I'd like to have a read of her book too. I have so many books on my to do list! So far today I've had some other things on and I've only been able to listen to Tara Brach and James Doty, both which I got something from. I hope to listen to a couple more before bed. I'd like to listen to Peter Coyote and a few of the others.

Bye for now,

ER

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray & Indigo, 

Hello! I have been reading your messages, thank you so much for your comments and insights. I have not had a chance to reply until now....

And yes, I am more than happy for comments about the mental health summit in this thread- I am enjoying listening to it, too. We can be a mental health summit "study group".  

I had another acupuncture treatment today. I am finding it soooooooo helpful. I noticed after the last treatment that it was as if the fight/flight & freeze "switch" in my brain had been turned off - just like that. I had been revving the engine, with one the foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake and all that energy was stuck inside my body. But when the "switch" was turned off, the energy released and dissipated pretty spontaneously. I could feel the muscles in my neck and shoulders melting and my chest expanding. It became easier to breathe.  

And then, I noticed that the things I usually do for my mental health started to have more of an impact:

Meditation - I notice a sense of calm and stillness in my mind and body.

Mindfulness - I am more aware of the sensations in my body and therefore what I need. 

Breathing slowly and evenly - I feel relaxed. 

Moving my body - I feel grounded.

Restorative yoga poses - I feel my body open, relax and surrender.

Walking along the beach - I feel a sense of playfulness and freedom. 

Relating to people = easier in a state of relaxation. 

So, I started to get a sense of connection between the things I am doing, and the result. It helps to build a sense of agency - I can do something to change the state my body is in. As opposed to a sense of helplessness, where I am doing all these good things for myself but it's not changing anything and I am STILL unwell. When that "switch" is ON, nothing works/helps and it perpetuates the sense of helplessness. When the "switch" is OFF, all the things such as breathing, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, moving etc etc etc can produce a tangible result.

I think my brain is rewiring.......   !!

Eagle Ray, thank you for sharing about your difficulties with saying no, but also the benefits to your wellbeing as you are learning to say no to what is not good for you. Yes, it's ok to post about it, for sure. I can definitely relate to that trauma history of being afraid to say no because of the drastic consequences of rage from others. It's frightening. And, I can relate to feeling more connected to my heart and spirit and saying yes to a more positive life. This week I was able to identify that something was not okay for me and communicate it. That is a HUGE achievement for me. I was in  my meditation class online. Someone in the group wanted the session recorded. The teacher asked if everyone was okay with that. I felt a cringe in my body and noticed the thought "oooh yuk, no, I don't want to be videoed while I am meditating!". And so I said out aloud, "no, I don't want to be videoed or recorded at all". The teacher respected this and we went ahead without recording. Yay for me!!!!!!! Previously,

a) I wouldn't have noticed the cringe in my body,

b) I would have been too scared to speak up, and

c) I would have been tense and 'on alert' all through the meditation and then probably not return to the class without realising why. 

I'll write more about the summit later, 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Dear dig and indigo,

Dig, what you say about the brake and accelerator being deployed at the same time I can definitely relate to. A few years ago I read a couple of books on trauma by Robert Scaer, The Body Bears the Burden and The Trauma Spectrum. In those books he describes how the fight-or-flight and freeze systems can be activated simultaneously. He is a neurologist who eventually healed his own trauma through somatic experiencing work. He treated people with motor vehicle injuries over a few decades, and found that those that went on to develop conditions such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, IBS etc after a motor accident trigger almost always had a trauma history, and also had this dual activation of the fight-or-flight and freeze systems. He could see definitive links between chronic health conditions and trauma.

I'm so glad that switch turned off for you. That's really wonderful you had all those positive experiences in the activities you mention. I think it does all start to flow when the rest-and-digest parasympathetic system switches on. It's also called the ventral vagal system which is the mammalian social engagement system (that Stephen Porges talks about in Polyvagal Theory), which does make it easier to relate to others and feel safe too. I know if my fear system gets activated my capacity to socially engage shuts down and I will just withdraw from people all together. But even though I can't always control that, I'm now at least aware of what it is when it happens, which makes it a little easier and I think reduces how long that state goes on for. I also have a sense of how I need to activate via an action (doing something) to mobilise myself out of freeze.

It is just awesome you have that feeling of your brain rewiring. I'm quite sure that is actually what happens. You start to build new synaptic connections and experience a different reality. And it is fantastic too you were able to say no to having the meditation video-taped. I also would have once been reluctant to speak up and would have just gone along with it even if I didn't feel comfortable with it. But I am learning to say no too to things that my instincts tell me I don't want to happen. Good on you for saying how you feel and I'm glad that was respected and you could go through the meditation without that internal cringe and discomfort.

I've only watched two of the summit today, Sharon Salzberg and Eranda Jayawickreme. I got something from both. With Eranda's one I could really relate to some of the discourses around post traumatic growth and the pressure that is sometimes put on trauma survivors to be resilient in recovery but in a way that isn't sensitive to the process that they're in and the time it takes to process and deal with trauma.

I'll try to watch some more of it tonight. I really want to watch the Kristin Neff one because her stuff on compassion is really helpful. If you haven't seen it, she does a great TED Talk on self-compassion.

Take care and hope you both have a lovely weekend.