I can't remember it all, it doesnt feel valid

[Centaured]

I don't remember much of what happened. And I only remember little things ...BUT WHAT IF I MADE IT ALL UP. Or it wasn't as bad as i think it was. Or I just want an excuse as to why I feel so bad
I don't feel my PTSD is valid because why did only remembers some things at later age and my parents didn't know about it. And they were also part of it. And then the stuff I caused to happen.

Anyway. Idk why I wrote this. I just want to be heard I guess. I saw something this morning that really got to me and I had a flashback of something I had never had before. BUT WHAT IF IT WAS FABRICATED, like it was my imagination or something making something up to explain why that triggered me, despite it being something completely wrong and terrifying in its own right.

[Tay100]

Hi Centaured

Thanks for posting, we know it can be a hard thing to do when it's about something that is distressing to us. I'm sorry to hear of the flashback you had this morning. Regardless of what is 'true' or 'real,' having these experiences can be overwhelming. And it is certainly valid too. You are allowed to feel worried regardless of whether they are real or not. Have you been able to do anything today to make you feel better, a bit more settled?
Would seeking professional help be something that appeals t you or something that you think could possibly benefit you? There are many ways to seek out help. Let us know what you think.

Tay100

[Centaured]

Tay100

Thank you for the thoughtful reply.

[Centaured]

I'm currently inpatient btw.

[Centaured]

In case of miscommunication the thing I think I'm fabricating memories from childhood rather than referring to what triggered me which was something so minute. I get triggered by small things and struggle to get my words right when triggered. I'm calm now.

[Tay100]

Hi Centaured

It's no worries at all, that is why we are here. Thank you again for sharing. Feel free to use this thread to keep us updated with your story, as you have been. We can all struggle to articulate ourselves and miscommunicating sometimes- you aren't alone in fabricating things in the face of a trigger. You mentioned you are inpatient- thank you for sharing that too. Is there anything that has helped you cope even a little bit or just though day to day so far? Feel free to share, but no pressure.

Tay100

[Guest_09801]

Hi,

I also don't remember a lot and have a lot of gaps - even when recently I've been informed of things by a family member.

There's also times I don't remember when they weren't around so I can't ask anyone and get the validation issue...sometimes because I can't answer what was happening and I don't know what amount of trauma is "enough" (even though the bits I know about are definetly enough).

Memory and trauma is so tricky - I just made a connection recently that I have anger from other family members not talking to me about things and then randomly found out I did in fact talk to them about at least some of it...but I've always felt (still do) that didn't happen, cos it's part of what my brain's blacked out - so you feel kind of robbed of the truth of your own life..

If you want to talk, I know I find it really helpful, although I'm pretty new to actually doing it

[Tay100]

Hi Guest_09801

Sorry for the late response. You are right- memory and trauma can be tricky, especially when we can't seek validation. How are things going these days- are you still an inpatient? Feel free to update us if you are able.

And thanks for the offer to help others- many people are new to it but lots of people appreciate having a listening ear.

Tay100

[Rubybleu]

I feel like this at times aswell. My sexual abuse went on daily for a year but I only remember maybe 10 or so days. I was a child and it was 20yrs ago. Was I dreaming? Was it a made up story that I created to feel loved and needed in an abusive way? Are my memories all fabricated?
Luckily I know deep down they’re not as I have corroborative details recorded in diaries and photos etc. Trust in yourself.

[ecomama]

Hi C

Sorry I missed this thread of yours. Hugs!

I felt like "a fraud" too earlier this year about the unofficial PTSD / C-PTSD diagnosis I heard a few years ago.

I phoned lots of helplines and told them a BIT of my story. 1800RESPECT has the most of it by now - they keep records.
But when I asked each phone Counsellor / psych "So do you think I could have PTSD?"
Every single one said something like "How could you NOT have PTSD? Ofcourse you would!"

And there it was. In my face. Not one but many professionals saying this.

I read up on Blue Knot and ***Trigger Warning*** it was like I was reading a mirror of my life in so many stories. As much as it 'comforted' me to know I wasn't alone, it was so shocking, I was grief stricken tbh.

C and RubyBleu and any others reading, how COULD you make things up?
You were little children.
It's not possible because you wouldn't have been exposed to anything like this IF it was a safe time.

In a nurturing, caring family these things don't happen.
Nothing LIKE it does.

I have family members that are shocked at what I can remember at such a young age (seeing extreme violence - FV).

But I was surprised when my now adult children described a specific day to me this year and I remember a LOT but there are events from that day they described that I have no memory of.
It was violence towards me and I can't remember it.

Massive chunks of it I can't remember at all. I must have blacked it out.

There are plenty of ppl who may deny these events happened but when you remember them, I'd say they happened.

Love EM