I can finally feel

[sparrowhawk]

I’ve been through sustained emotional abuse (the perpetrators were members of a religious community).

I left the community with an eating disorder and as I was unwell and starving I just didn’t have any sort of capacity to feel. I was numb to everything.

As I started recovering I began experiencing more triggers, flashbacks and moments of panic. I am seeking help but my psychologist is quite repetitive and we tend to talk about the same things each time. My symptoms are become more frequent and while I’m grateful I can feel (as that means I can process), I’m anxious about the impact it will have on my partner. They encourage me to talk but I hate always bringing up the same issues with them, and just can’t shake that feeling that I am an inconvenience.

[sbella02]

Sparrowhawk,

I commend your strength in sharing your story with us, thank you for posting and welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about your experience - sustained emotional abuse, an eating disorder, recurrent flashbacks... all very unpleasant, and I can't even imagine the pain that you're going through.

Do you have any other loved ones who you would feel comfortable discussing your experience with? Of course, discussing it with your partner is helpful, and they sound very open to hearing you talk, which is great. It can be good to have a few people who you can discuss these kinds of things with openly and honestly, because this can also give you a range of different perspectives if you're seeking advice about where to go from people who have insight into your life and circumstances.

I'd encourage you to talk about it with your partner as much as you feel comfortable, as it sounds like they're very supportive. If it makes you feel better, you can preface these discussions with a question like "do you have the capacity to hear this right now?" or "how would you feel if I talked about this with you now?". Even if you ask at certain points in the conversation if it's overwhelming for them, if checking in with them would put your mind at ease.

If you're finding that you're at a bit of a stand-still with your psychologist, you can always switch to another psychologist if you'd like. Different people have different means of delivering therapy; sometimes if you're finding that you've reached the end of your journey with somebody, you may find that you gel better with somebody else, or you can progress further with another professional. 

I hope this is helpful, please let us know your thoughts. We'd love to hear more from you.

Take care, SB

[sparrowhawk]

Hi SB,

Thank you so much for this helpful and kind response. In some ways I prefer to feel the pain than not, because I believe when I feel I still have life, and last year I didn’t feel anything or see any point in living. I was truly unpleasant to live with and I know my family suffered because of me. 

I have shared a little with my family, but they don’t always have the emotional capacity to assist. Plus they knew the people in the community quite well and I feel hesitant telling them too much; part of me sort of wants to still protect these people, especially those who were kind to me.

My partner is amazing and always says they are happy to listen and that I am not an inconvenience or a burden, but my trauma always brings up the anxiety that I’m being annoying, asking too much or am inconvenient.  Your questions and points about checking in are really helpful. 

I started seeing the psychologist I’m with now when I was in the community, she knows the people I lived with and in some ways that does help. But it also means that she does come with a bias. She will often bring in the blanket issues of religious trauma or repeat things we’ve already discussed, and I don’t find we often make headway.

You have been incredibly helpful. It was actually my psychologist who first used the words “abuse” and “trauma” with me and since then I have come to realise and acknowledge for myself that this is what I’ve experienced and what I face. It’s been hard at times saying that to myself, as those words are such big things and I often downplay what happened to me and act like/tell myself it wasn’t so bad. It has become easier to do so in recent times. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sparrowhawk,

I’m not sure if this will help, but what I have found in the trauma recovery process is that once you start to come out of numbness and feel, the feeling can be quite intense. I’ve found this is a stage or process that you gradually move through during which the intensity gradually reduces. So it’s like it gets a bit more intense, eases somewhat, gets a bit strong again and then eases again, and so on. It’s like the body is rebalancing itself. At least that has been what has happened to me, so the intensity was part of finding balance again. So understanding it as asn organic process of healing may help.

As sbella was saying, talking with other supportive people you trust can really help too. I think that helps bring us back from trauma and helps regulate our nervous system through a sense of connection.

 I just want to say too, I love your name - sparrowhawk. I love birds and sparrowhawks are amazing birds of prey.

Take care and all the very best on your journey.

[sbella02]

Sparrowhawk,

Thank you for your reply, I'm glad to hear about your progress. 

Sometimes it can be difficult acknowledging or confronting what's happened to us as "trauma" or "abuse", even though it may be applicable to our experience. Whatever you decide to call it, different terms may feel right at different times, as your perception of your experience changes over time. But regardless of what label you feel is most relevant, it is still your experience and your feelings surrounding it are valid.

If it helps, start keeping a journal to document how you're feeling, or if you want to write out different experiences you had when you were younger and how they've affected you. It can be therapeutic to acknowledge what has happened to you or what you're going through. 

If you find that your psychologist is a little biased or you don't gel with her after a certain point, you can always seek a new psychologist. There's no shame in having a few different consults before you find someone who ultimately understands what you're going through and can help you take steps towards healing in a way that feels right for you.

Just some more food for thought. As always, would love to hear more back from you, we're here to support you. 🙂

Wishing you all the best, SB