Husband struggling with mental health

[vavs]

Hi there, 

Life’s been tough for me and my husband for the last 2 years and I’m hoping someone can give me some insight or advice.

My husband has been a Police officer for 10+ years. He has been battling himself for many years, searching for happiness, peace and ease in his life but forever battling his thoughts and emotions. His job comes with horrible trauma and grief and I am very aware of that. He does have PTSD and dealing with complete burnout. 

A year ago, after him being distant, withdrawn, short tempered and not being a partner in life with me for some time, he told me he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me anymore. My heart broke, as at that time our baby was not even 1. 
I tried and tired to support and understand him but he was unable to say anything more than “I don’t know”. For years everyone around has seen his decline in general tolerance, care for himself, his lack of effort and empathy for others and his need to control everything increased. 
We ended up separating last year. 

The separation hasn’t been a clean cut. We talk always, FaceTime for our son, still gather in family and friend situations…our relationship just felt so unfinished and blurry, but he was still unable to give me or himself clarity.
Earlier this year he attended a mental health retreat and came back renewed, inspired and mentally clear. He said he wants to be with me and wants a future together….just not right now. He needs more time to work on himself. 
I’m trying my best to continue to be supportive and allow him that time and space but he is so focused on himself he doesn’t give any effort to me and our relationship. I am needing to rebuild trust, I need reassurance, I need to be shown love from him and I need to know that there’s no pushing me away, I need to be shown that we can be a team again and make it work. But it feels like he doesn’t have capacity for that.
I have been a single mum for nearly a year now, dealing with heartbreak, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness on my own- While everyone is trying to support him and help him, and I’m feeling like collateral damage. 
I am wanting to move forward together but it feels like I’m expected to wait forever and forgive unconditionally. There’s been no accountability from him for what this situation has done to me and my son. No apology, no recognition. 
I’m feeling lost, I don’t know what to do anymore. I nearly at my breaking point of not being able to live in this heartbreak limbo.

What should I do? Continue to wait with no guarantee or take steps to move my life into a different direction? Or any other options…? 

thank you for your time and responses. 

[Croix]

Dear Vavs~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum. A good move as you can find others who have had to cope with similar situations. It must be heart-breakng for you for him to be so distant and frustrating and worrying that there is no clear path to follow. Plus a very difficult life being in effect a single mum.

May I ask if you have anyone in you life to give you any support? A family member or friend perhaps? Trying to deal with all this -and being a single mum - in isolation is extra hard.

I have a very similar history to your husband, and was in fact invalided out of the police with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Before going further I will say that I've completely turned around and while still undergoing treatment am once again someone who loves and is loved, supports and is supported, and embraces family life.

Of course it was not like that to start with. I was so removed from myself it was like I was lookng at myself and my actions from the other side of a glass wall. I had not much idea why I did the things I did, could not work out if I loved anyone at all - or was even capable of love.

My mind was so full of the thougts put there by my illness there was no capacity to deal with people, so I wanted to be alone, and any attempts for someone to get close could be met with anger and resentment.

I wanted to control everything and everybody - I guess I saw everything as a potential threat.

Not a good person to live with or try to cope with.

My partner at first took everything I did as a reflection on her, particularly being so distant. It was only when it was explained that it was the symptoms, not my wishes, that made me appear as I did she was able to cope. She had her mum - who was marvelous and not only gave emotional support but practical assistance with the offspring too.

I can't tell you what might be best. I can say for some people, such as my self, there is a pretty good life in time, however that is not always the case. I was very lucky.

There is a thread, quite a long one, that others have contributed to that you might find useful in parts:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/ptsd-and-trauma/ptsd-for-medical-and-first-responders/m-p/123648...

You are not alone and are always welcome here

Croix

[therising]

Hi vavs

I think the 'for better or for worse' part of the marriage vows feels completely do-able at the beginning, when we're convinced nothing could tear us apart. There's that invincible feeling that comes about from such a deep sense of love. Never in a million years could we imagine what 'worse' could look like. Then it comes, with little idea as to how to make it through. I feel so much for you as you and your husband struggle to make it through the worst, as a couple and through your own personal experiences and heartbreak.

I'm wondering whether your husband has an 'all or nothing' idea of re-establishing the marriage, waiting until everything is much better or what he sees as the right time to begin living together again. Is it possible the 2 of you can work on forming or reforming a strong friendship together in the lead up to reuniting as more than friends? What would a strong friendship look like through your eyes? Perhaps consideration, respect, a developing understanding of your feelings. Could it look like some form of 'courting' period, where there is a flutter every time you both meet as friends at a cafe for coffee?

While I live separately from my husband on the same property and as we work on developing some form of friendship, we both agree we never began our 21 year marriage as really strong friends. We simply started going out together without establishing that foundation. Whether we reform the marriage or never become more than just friends, we work on what it means to be a friend.

Do you think if you mentioned to your husband the need to at least establish a strong friendship, this could be something that may work in helping him and helping you manage the pain of such a broken heart, while feeling no sense of progress at the moment?

[vavs]

I really appreciate your response Croix. Thanks for sharing about your experience. Often these topics are kept hidden and not spoken about, so it’s comforting to know other people have experienced similar situations and have managed to find their way through.
I appreciate the load you carry from the job. A very thankless job, but there are many who are grateful. Thanks for your service. 

I struggle a lot with asking for help and getting support. My family lives in a different state and I worry that if I show them how sad I am they will worry too much. It feel easier to do it all on my own.

I have trouble separating my husbands symptoms from what I perceive as his behaviour and choices. He hasn’t really communicated to me what he feels and why, and I know it’s because he doesn’t know that either- so in his mind it’s safer to say nothing out of fear and threat to me and himself. 

We have a long way to go. I just pray I have the patience and strength, to ride the waves with him. 

[Croix]

Dear Vavs~

Hopeing for patience and strenght is all very well, but you, like everyone else, have limits, and the more you try to endure by yourself the harder it will become.

As I mentioned my wife had her mum, who helped with the offspring, housework, shopping and also provided the sort of loving support that made a huge difference.

Can I suggest that you need someone to lean on? If all that is holding you back is concern for them, or shame and embarrassment perhaps you might reconsider. Your family are adults, I hope they love you, and can give you a feeling of belonging and being loved.

Even talking about the future wiht another may make things clearer. Do you think there might be one particular person that might be easier to approach?

It's true I do not know your situation or your husband, all I do know is I was extremely hard to live wiht (an understatement I guess) and my partner probably was able to remain due to the support she had.

So this is why I've mentioned your needs  and not concentrated on what your husband should have, which if it was like me is professional assistance. Not easy for a policeman as it raises questions about employment and and requires a different mindset.

I don't know that you can separate behaviour and decisions from symptoms, I became a different person due to the mental health conditions but later as my recovery progressed I returned to how I had been. Maybe I was lucky.

Please do come back and let us know how you are going, it is not an easy road whatever you decide.

Croix