How to move on

Doolhof · ‎20-05-2021

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

Guest_1643 · ‎05-09-2021

Hi Dools,

I love the Happiness Trap. There are cards also, have u seen those?

Thanks for Ur spot on comment about moving on

I'm here for u as much as you want, and relate to the title

I know also it is hard when others seem to push us to move on, I struggle too. I feel so,etimes I even move backwards! Probably it's 2 steps forward, one step back, but it is scary sometimes accepting a traumatic past. Know we don't judge

Is your psychologist one u have seen for a while? I've been getting therapy for about 2 years but on and off, couldn't find someone suitable.

Hope Ur OK and feeling alright over this time

Doolhof · ‎06-09-2021

Hi and thanks

Hanna I had planned a walk with my sister in memory of Dad. My brother in law joined us which I didn't know was going to happen. I tried talking about Dad, the subject was changed. It felt like I had to ignore what I was feeling or at least not share it with them.

I just keep stuffing more hurt inside. I need to find a way to let it out. I'm shutting myself away from people more and more because I'm feeling I can't allow one unpleasant thought to escape from my mouth as I will then be upsetting people.

Yes, I know I am not the only person who feels a sense of grief and loss.

topsy thanks for the hugs. Is you dog good with cuddles and going walking?

Sleepy I have been struggling to find a psychologist that will help me with my grief issues, with PTSD and SI. The last person I was seeing told me she doesn't deal with CBT, Schema therapy, DBT, SI care and in the end couldn't help me with my PTSD. The Dr had recommended her on the skills she stated she had!

I would ask for help with a coming situation I knew would be triggering, she told me we would discuss it 2 weeks after the event had actually happened.

When feeling like a hole in the ground was the best option, I was told to go home and read a web site on dealing with distressing thoughts!

I'm trying hard. I am just exhausted.

Hanna3 · ‎06-09-2021

Hi Dools,

Your family sounds like mine - and friends can do this too - they change the subject when it's about something like grief because it makes them uncomfortable and/or they think it's best to change the subject to something happier - and this is incredibly frustrating for you because you are then unable to let the feelings out.

I do feel for you. People seem to do this so often. I'm glad you are able to let some feelings out here and we do listen and care!

Hugs from me and little Sam oxoxox

Tess2 · ‎06-09-2021

Dear Dools,

i really identify with what you are expressing in these posts. I think that grief is lonely, as it is such a personal and internal thing. Some things can be shared with siblings, but the loss of your father is very close to you, and a year is not a long time. You remember him and hold those memories dear.

You really help me with the support you offer around the forum and the sharing of yourself

love tess

topsy_ · ‎06-09-2021

Hi Dools

I'm so sorry things didn’t go well on the anniversary of your dad. I really hope you feel some relief soon.

Our dog gives fantastic cuddles. He’s so funny when he’s asleep - he’s on his back with all four legs stuck up in the air, in all different directions!

We haven’t taken him walking much, mainly because we’re lazy but also because he gets really aggressive with other dogs his size or bigger. We haven’t been very effective puppy parents but we do love him!

Be gentle with yourself, T.

Guest_1055 · ‎08-09-2021

Hello dear Mrs D,

Gosh my heart goes out to you. I so wish I could help. The "hole in the ground option" is that like you wanting to just go somewhere to sort of hide, hide from what you are feeling and experiencing. And when you sense all is safe, then came on out? No pressure to answer though.

I am truly sorry about your dad Mrs D. Emotional overload can make us feel so exhausted. Can you just rest a while? A hammock swinging between 2 trees in the gentle breeze sounds heavenly. Have you got one at all?

Guest_1643 · ‎08-09-2021

I'm sorry your grief feels so isolating, Dools. That's so hard, and to reach out and get flat responses, is it's own kind of pain. It I hard to not get support around trauma and grief.

It is very hard to find a psychologist that so trauma !, how did u go with the ACT book? What parts caught Ur eye?

How irresponsible of that psychologist to present knowledge in those areas she didn't have.

I've done some schema therapy, cbt and act, and some classes on these as well. Also somatic stuff....

I relate to what u write, sending you a hug

Doolhof · ‎09-09-2021

Hi Sleepy, Tess, Shell, Hanna and All,

Thank you to you all for your lovely messages and support.

Shell when I wrote about a "hole in the ground" it was my mind thinking a permanent position in the ground was a good option at the time! My mind has been taking me to some dark places again.

I did have an appointment with my new psychologist on Monday. She was very concerned about how I was behaving and talking. I actually felt like she was listening, caring and that she acknowledged what I was saying to her. I've not experienced that before...talking with a psychologist who validated what I was saying.

PTSD, grief and depression can really mess with my mind. I am trying to find ways to deal with stuff.

I have read so many self help books. It is putting that stuff into action I find difficult and changing old ways of coping and surviving. I know they don't work well.

Feeling overwhelmed is exhausting!

Hope you are all coping okay. Regards form Dools

Doolhof · ‎10-09-2021

My husband drove me to the beach yesterday. I had a lovely walk, there were no sand carting trucks, a little wind, the waves were just ripples. The sun was shining.

It was very peaceful and tranquil.

I need to bottle that calmness and have it on hand when the stress levels rise!

Cheers all from Dools

Guest_1643 · ‎10-09-2021

Hey Dools

sounds gorgeous at the beach, pretty sights and sounds....

PTSD does take so much. I have to say I didn't get too far reading books on their own. The ideas themselvs were perfect but I ususally gave up. And even though I have attended classes etc, it helped more when there was someone to implement and discuss them with m aftr, which I guess would be a therapist.> That said, I went to a therapist spcialising in ACT, and they wren't even good... not to disourage, but its so hard to get the mix of support, training and focussed empathy.

Hope you're okay and finding beach calm in ur day x