How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

I'm sitting out by the river in the late sunshine with Sam. I found one nice summer too yesterday and tomorrow I'm going to the next big town and I'll look at the op shop there too

I'm sorry you're feeling blah. I agree with Grandy, can you find a way to treat yourself? Sometimes we need to nurture ourselves

.

I hope you found something nice to do or listen to or watch or think about.

Big hugs from me and Sam 🙂💞🌼🌻🐕

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

Thanks for your response. There are lots of things I can do, I just seem to set up barriers to doing them. I don't know how to explain it.

I tell myself I could do some colouring in, or crochet, continue with my painting by numbers, read a book, cut some flowers from the garden, have a bubble bath. Then it is like I hit a huge brick wall and I just can't seem to make myself do any of those things. It is as though I have become a slab of concrete and can't move. I shut down.

The psychologist I am seeing now tells me my mind is overloaded, so it shuts down and prevents me from even doing the pleasant stuff of life. She hasn't told me how I push past that.

I try not to become frustrated and angry with myself for being so pathetic but I am. Then the downward spiral begins. I exhaust myself. It is then harder to try to do anything.

Nurturing myself sounds great...when I find the energy and the will power to do so I will. (Smiley face!)

Cheers form Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Grandy,

Thanks for your kind words and suggestions. I do try, I am just so exhausted and tired. I want to rest for a while.

I wrote more here but deleted it.

Cheers to you Grandy from Dools

[Guest_1643]

Hi dools,

I'm sorry to read Ur in pain.

I know and relate to feeling like no one can help me unravel myself, I have had a hard time discussing my trauma before. Drs at times don't know how to deal with trauma and it is frustrating , especially when sometimes the unrealistic expectation is set up that a visit to the GP will prove revelatory, healing, and helpful.

I can see Ur doing a lot to keep well, visiting the psych, writing here. I hope u can be gentle and kind to urself.

Today, if it helps, my self care has been lighting a candle, I like to see them diminish and melt, putting rose hip oil on, and sitting under my weighted blanket, it's all I can do. I also don't think any of that sounds good or is enough. It's hard, daily. I hope though, the little bits help.

Sending hugs x

[Doolhof]

Hi Sleepy,

Thanks. Yer, maybe I expect too much of the Doctors. I used to have a Dr that cared about my mental health and I was doing quite well under his care. He has moved on.

I like your ideas of self care. I'm just struggling to implement anything.

Today I have booked a massage, something I have not done in months. I hope that goes well.

This afternoon I will try to find some calming and enjoyable activities to do here at home.

My husband has organised for someone to come and slash our jungle down the back, 2 acres of metre high wild wild grasses that got away from me. First I need to locate the piles of wood and other stuff the guy won't want to try to mow over! My husband told me last night so I need to do that this morning.

The massage will be good after that.

Feeling really exhausted, depressed and wanting to cry so having a job to do will help I suppose.

Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

I went to the psychologist on Monday. Told her I was frustrated with the lack of help and consistency trying to gain help for my mental health, also with not having my questions and concerns answered or recognised at work.

She asked me if I realised how self centred and attention seeking I was! Who did I think I was to be expecting people to respond to my needs? Why did I have any notion that people were required to provide me with any assistance?

She kept telling me I was just an average person and no one was interested in my needs or requirements.

[quirkywords]

My goodness, I hope she was having a bad day.

I wonder what she sees as her to,e if it is not helping people.
Dools we are interested . Is there any one in charge you can explain how you felt.

I am listening and concerned .

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky,

I don't know what to think any more.

Her words have been rattling around in my head.

I'm sure many people have psychologists who help them.

Maybe I am just a total nutter. Beyond help. Unworthy of assistance.

[Doolhof]

Struggling. Then trying not to struggle. It is futile.

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

I'm so sorry you had such nasty things said to you.. That wasn't OK.

Don't take it on board.

It says more about the other person, that they spoke to you like that.

You will pick up again and find someone who does help you.

Don't give this person any more of your time.

You have people who care about you here.

Big hug

💞🌻🌹🌼💐