How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Guest_1055]

Just saying hello Mrs D.. I am hoping you getting along there. Do you think you may be low in vitamin B's? My dentist recommended that I take some. Think it has helped calm me down.

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

Sleepy, thanks for sharing your experiences with trying to sort out strategies and help. The books help me to a certain point, having someone explain the details further would be helpful.

Shell I'm wondering if I am lacking on something. Not sure when I last had a blood test to check various levels. I guess if we take vitamins and our bodies don't really need them, they don't cause any harm.

One Dr said ages ago my vit D was low, I asked for recommendations on what to take and when, he said it was up to me!

I'm plodding along. Some days are better than others as I am a sure a lot of you can relate to.

Work has been causing some issues. I have tried to make an appointment with my supervisor and GM at work. I was told it would happen Tuesday, then Wednesday. I sent emails out this morning at 5.00 a.m. as I don't think I will receive an appointment!

To my mind, this is just more reinforcement my needs do not matter!

How many times can a person be shown they are not worth the effort before they give up!

Yes. I could be stronger than the situation I am in, that can be exhausting after a while.

Cheers.

[gucia6]

Hi D.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much

I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD (and CPTSD). It just confirmed my suspicions, though deep down I knew it was it.

The things that helped me so far:

When I realised that my past affect my every day (at home, at work, socially) I first decided to address career. It was the first time I thought I want to be selfish, and do something for myself only. I just sat down and started thinking "what I really want to do?". I came up with things I enjoyed doing, I thought of things I always wanted to do, but never did (because of the thought or was told that 'I am not good enough', or 'I am too stupid', or 'I am too old'). There was one person who told me, that they grew up with a mindset, that if one thing does not work out, they try another. And it pushed me to action. I started developing my interests, took some online courses around the topic, and eventually I had couple of paths to choose. Now I am in a new job, in a role that I practically created for myself. All of it involved also a fair bit of anxiety.

Another thing that really helped me out was a realisation, that I am not broken. I am actually perfectly normal and reacting perfectly accurate to my condition and to whatever happened in the past and is haunting me today. It of course does not fix all the problems, overwhelming emotions, often out of proportion behaviours, pain, fear and panic attacks. But it allowed me to let this little girl inside to to cry, shout, and be angry, and sit with her, be there for her and hug her with all I have.

One of bigger improvements I also noticed after I started taking high doses of vitamin B12 and folate, which I started to take due to problems with blood building.

Also one of the things that helps me when triggered is knowing what I am being triggered to. On many occasions I can accurately say what situation was back then. It doesn't take the pain away, nor does it let me jump back to present, but there is certain relief, that there is reason for my reaction, that I am not imagining, and that what happened then was not OK. And it also allows me to realise that now is so much different, it is different place, different people, I have tools, I am adult, I have love, friends and support. And I also have a choice to just turn around and create some space and some time for myself to sort some of this pain out.

They are some things that I worked out for myself. Hopefully some of this can be somehow helpful for you.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Dools, it's rare to find someone who can help with the self Improcement techniques....,I hope u find good therapy, I remember u had a psychologist, was thay person hekpful? I'm doubting my own professional, at times x

[Hanna3]

Hi Dools

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time! I hope your workplace helps you soon.

I don't know what is wrong exactly but just wanted to say thinking of you and hoping things get a bit easier for you soon. Hugs. 💖🌄🐦🏝️🐕

[Guest_1055]

Hey Mrs D and

Maybe the situation at you work is all sorted now. And yeah I am pretty sure low vitamin D can cause depression in some people. Mine was low as well. And I am a person who likes sunshine. Think the more natural vitamin d3 from a health food store is safer. Most likely less harmful chemicals. I get it from there.

[Doolhof]

Hi gucia6,

Thank you so much for sharing your story here with me and others reading. Having a diagnosis can help with understanding the situations we find ourselves in. Reading, learning and trying to comprehend CPTSD has broadened my comprehension of how the past has helped to shape the future. More important is the knowledge and sometimes clouded belief that I can change.

Believing and living my life proving to myself that I am not broken or defective due to my mental health issues is a situation I need to keep working on.

Last week I had booked a couple of nights away so I could have space to just think and sort out some issues in my mind, I was asked to go to work due to a staff shortage instead so didn't get to fulfil my needs. Being casual you don't have a lot of rights.

Next week family are coming to stay, so maybe the following week I can sort out some time for myself.

I do try to go walking daily, that is my time to just chill or consider issues, what ever feels advantageous at the time.

Thanks again for sharing. Wishing you well on your journey. From D

[Doolhof]

Hi Sleepy,

Hope you are doing okay and can learn some beneficial strategies from the people assisting you.

The psychologist I am seeing at the moment actually listens to what I am saying and does not discredit my view of my own history. She does explain how my thoughts and beliefs that I have developed can be helpful or discrediting and how I can change those beliefs without totally ignoring what I perceive to be an issue that needs to be dealt with.

An example, one grief counsellor told me I should be thankful I don't have children when I went to see her for grief counselling. This new psychologist is helping me deal with my issues of grief and to find a way to move forward and create a new identity for myself. The other lady caused me to supress my grief further and to believe that no one cared how I felt and to just get on with it.

Adjustments in my thinking and beliefs are slowing changing for the better. Triggers are still there.

Wish I had received this kind of assistance and realisation years ago! Would have saved a lot of suffering for me and others around me.

Wishing you the strength to continue on your journey, to find new ways to move forward. Regards form Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Hanna,

Some days I don't know what is wrong either. I just wake up feeling exhausted emotionally, mentally and physically. Some days I feel so tired I can't think straight. I'm sure many people here can relate to that.

The work situation has not improved. I requested an appointment with the GM as recommended by my supervisor. No appointment has happened. I have not received recognition of the email I sent either.

Meanwhile I am trying to work out the legality of possible Covid-19 rules infringements myself and how I can rectify the issues without all the knowledge I require!

Meanwhile I am having some very angry people confront me as I am the one adhering to the rules and am trying to ensure they do as well.

It all feels overwhelming when I do not have the backing of the work place but am required to fulfil my duties and have been threatened with fines if I don't do so!

Some days I manage to deal with the stress other days it just builds up.

Hope you are doing okay Hanna. Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Shell,

Thanks for the comments about Vit D. Maybe I should go and have another blood test. I have heard it is now taking 6 weeks to make an appointment at our local medical centre! My husband was told if he wanted a particular Dr, the earliest appointment was in 8 weeks time! This is for any kind of appointment, in person, over the phone or via zoom or what ever they use for a tele conference.

It is all too difficult so I don't bother now. Other people have told me they can't see the same Dr each visit either so there is no continuity of care.

It takes a while to tell your mental health story so you can gain some kind of assistance, having to tell your story over and over to different Drs each time is not helpful.

Hope you are doing okay Shell, I have not been around the forums for a while. Cheers from Dools