How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Dools...

Your post on the 4th of June...oh that’s today...I can relate to so much of it..

There are days, sometimes weeks at times...that positive thoughts are hidden that deeply inside me that I Juno matter how hard I try, I cannot find them...What I found helps me..

Focus on the positives.
Its so easy to list all the things that went wrong today...but instead of focusing on the negatives, focus on the positives. Some positives for a day...could be very simple things..that we don’t see them as positives....A nice conversation with a patient or co - worker.....That beautiful smile someone gave you while saying good morning to you...The sun shining through the glass doors or windows at work or home..What about those birds that sing to you from high in the tree tops.....Maybe once you start to list all the positive aspects of your day....hopefully it will help your day feel somewhat positive...

Just wondering if the area you work in each day has some calming effects at all....I know a lovely bunch of fresh flowers brightens up most peoples day..or a few little bowls filled with those bright smooth round stones..idk just something that you can look at, smell or touch to help take away some negativity from rude people...I know how horrible it is when people are rude to you...but please remember that it’s not you....it’s them..

I listen to audio books a lot...at night when I get into bed..I YouTube search..folk and fairy tales to fall asleep to...I think it’s okay to listen or read self help books..on occasions, but reading too many might confuse the mind as one book might contradict the other and then confusion sets in...

Please precious lady...take the very best care of you, that you can...you are one awesome lady, and we love you..

My love, care and hugs dear Dools..

Grandy..

[Doolhof]

Dear Grandy,

Hi to you and to all reading. I do have a journal I write daily positives in and record what I am thankful for. I can see from your example that I can expand upon it immensely, so thanks for that.

Regarding work, the other staff all have something personal of theirs in the work space. I have thought of taking something in myself, it will have to be small as there is not much space left!

Yesterday morning I was really struggling. I tried to accept it. Tried to move on. Tried to do something other than yell and scream. I packed a thermos, some lunch and water. Left my husband a note and took off in the car.

About 20 kilometres away is a wildlife sanctuary in a very arid region. I drove in, parked the car and walked for an hour. It was so dry and barren, sparse trees and a few bushes. I did see a mob of kangaroos and hear a few birds.

I sat down on a fallen tree trunk and called Lifeline and BeyondBlue support people and cried a lot. It helped release a lot of thoughts and emotions.

The sky came in black out of no where and a heavy downpour happened. I scurried under a low bush for some protection. As it has been warm and sunny I did not have a rain jacket with me! I was soon soaked. Thankfully the sun came out again as I walked back to my car.

Yes, reading self help books and listening to them can be very helpful, like you mentioned Grandy they can become confusing as well when one suggestion seems to contradict another. I suppose that is when I consider what is most beneficial for me at this time.

I've received many wonderful suggestions here, I greatly appreciate the kind words, the encouragement and suggestions. I will find ways to implement some of these things.

Cheers to you Grandy and thanks so much for your love, care and hugs, from Dools

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Dools..

Your story about getting wet in a down pour reminded me of a short bid I had seen a while back...

It was raining heavy and everyone was standing under the cover at a shopping centre waiting for the rain to stop...There was a little girl waiting as well and she asked her mum to “Let’s run through the rain”...her mother kept answering very sweetly that it’s okay we will wait...after several more “Let’s run through the rain” requests the mother relented and agreed...

They left the cover and started running through the rain..the little girl giggling and holding her arms up high, with so much delight on her face, her mother could only join in the little girls fun and enthusiasm....The other people watching began smiling and giggling at the little girls infectious laughter....Then one by one they also started running through the rain...and began laughing as well....The last one to leave the safety of the cover was an elderly lady...well once she started running through the rain....she stopped and started doing a dancing in it....Then the others joined in....To me they all embraced their inner child and had a great time....all because a little girl wanted to run through the rain...

Don’t know why I’m telling you this story...Just thought I would...maybe if we all can at times connect to our inner child...there will be lots of positives and happiness in our lives...I think as we get older and life’s problems effects us more and more we forget how easy it is to find our inner child....

I love running through the rain...and often do so....it’s refreshing and it’s God washing the earth, so why not get washed as well, with the purest water there is....

I hope you found some wonderful positives when you were sitting on that fallen log...I am so pleased to hear that you did reach out to Beyond Blue and Lifeline..You’re such a huge inspiration on these forums dear precious lady....

Lets embrace our inner child...We are never to old to do so...and it’s a place that we should visit at least once a day..

Much love Dear Dools..with my care and hugs..if I could reach through the screen I would definitely give you all you need...

Grandy..

[Doolhof]

Thanks Grandy for your kind thoughts once again and also for sharing the story about running and dancing in the rain. Maybe next time I might do a little dancing in the rain! I do like to walk in the rain, knowing I can go home and change out of cold wet clothes helps!

I sometimes think I would like a kite, so might try to make one or buy one. We sometimes have very windy days here. I don't recall seeing a kite for many years.

Work went okay today. One man was yelling at me, he was so angry about something I had no control over. I am pleased to say that I feel I managed his reaction fairly well! He actually apologised after...he is the first person to do that. Most just yell and think that is okay.

I really needed that time in the park to release a lot of tears I had been holding on to. My mind feels a little clearer now. Time in nature and quietness is important to me. It helped.

Thanks again for all your love and care Grandy. Cheers from Dools

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Doolhof,
Gosh kite flying. I still remember flying my first kite when I was a kid. It was oddly satisfying to see something so thin and light to be able to woosh up into the air, and just float with the clouds. With each tug of the string, you send it flying higher and higher. I also remember thinking if my kite goes any higher, would it hit a UFO or something. Anyways, such a random childhood memory of mine to share in the thread. I hope you'll enjoy kite flying if you do pick it up.

I'm really glad to hear today went well for you Doolhof. You were splendid in handling the person's reaction, and you're right, we have no control over other people's emotions. If we put on the empathy hat, some customers might just be having a rough day themselves, which caused them to be rude to staff members. There isn't much we can do about things that we have no control of. (I guess that's why the taxi drivers in Thailand just doesn't react at all when I tried chatting with them in English, they can't control my language setting to speak Thai).

Jt

[Doolhof]

Hi Jt,

Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts about your kite flying days when you were a child. I remember having a lot of fun with a kite when I was younger.

I am sure I made my own kite as well. It didn't fly all that well. My parents bought me a kite for Christmas one year. I think I enjoyed the thought of the freedom the kite had being so high up in the sky, dancing in the breeze.

That guy at work today was really angry! Covid has been around for over a year. People must know the rules by now unless they have been hiding under a rock or something. I was most impressed that I was not scared of him nor did I have a panic attack! Way to go!

I actually went into work telling myself I was going to cope with what ever happened. That is a huge improvement from wondering what is going to go wrong before I even step in the door.

I have been abused by people on the doorstep to work as well as they seem to believe I should be assisting them 15 minutes before I actually start work. I arrive early to get myself set up so I am ready at my appointed start time and don't hold people up with preparations.

I guess some people just expect more than is reasonable.

Hope your day has been okay Jt. Would you like to share something you are grateful for today?

Cheers from Doolhof.

p.s. I'm going to a have a look at "the Art of Not Trying" now. Cheers

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Doolhof,

My day has been splendid today, thank you for asking. I was able to do my run in the afternoon instead of evening, thanks to Jane the weather reporter on television last night; reporting about rain coming into my area around the evening. I'm very grateful to Jane for informing me about today's weather, so I can switch up my schedule to be able to complete my run.

And if I may say, way to go Doolhof! I'm really happy for you. You're strong for being able to cope with it, and I like how you've used the word "going" instead of "trying". I hope the "Art of Not Trying" will enlighten you more with it's philosophy. I'm always here to listen to you Doolhof.

Jt

[Doolhof]

Hi Jt,

How for do you like to run, does it vary and do you have favourite places to run? I enjoy walking. Sometimes a friend and I go for a couple of hours. I prefer to walk along a beach or coastline, or along a nature trail somewhere. Thankfully I have access to both, only the beach is some distance away.

I did read some of the information relating to "The Art of Not Trying". It is interesting to look at issues from a different perspective, so thanks for that resource and information.

The use of different words is interesting. You mentioned I used Going instead of Trying. Sometimes I don't see the significance of words. It can be enlightening when people point this out to me.

It sounds like Jane the weather presenter was able to predict when the rain would be arriving to your advantage. In my region, we are often told to expect rain, only it doesn't happen usually. The clouds roll over, look promising and then they move on.

Hope you have another splendid day! If that is not the case, then I hope you have skills to assist you with coping through what ever eventuates.

I'm off for a walk, will attend Church and then head in to work...with a smile on my face!

Cheers from Dools

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Doolhof,

I'm currently aiming for a 5KM marathon, so slowly building up the distance (started from 1.6km, and now I can do 2.4km. Hope to get to 5km by the end of July). I love running around my neighbourhood, it's a quiet neighbourhood, and the foot path makes running more pleasant. Walking along the beach/coastline and nature trail is very soothing, might take a weekend to the beach for that.

And yeap, the words "going" and "trying" that you've used. When the word "trying" is used, you've set an expectation to the action that you're about to take, and when that expectation is not met, it will only lead to frustration and disappointment. But when you use the word "going", you relieve yourself from any kind of expectation, and you learn to accept that whatever happens, you'll be able to handle it and grow from the experience. Your inner-self will love you for doing so, as you learn to trust both your strengths and your weaknesses.

I hope you had a wonderful day today at Church and at work as well Doolhof, and continue being awesome!

Jt

[Doolhof]

Hi Jt and all reading,

It has been a long time since I have been able to run or even jog more than a few metres. I guess like all things, if I set my mind to it I could achieve more if I practiced and persevered. Walking is comfortable for me.

I came across a saying yesterday : " You need to learn to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes everyday. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life...work on the mind." By Elizabeth Gilbert.

This is an interesting concept. If we were all able to achieve this continually there would be no mental health issues I am assuming. Problem ids I for one am human and have a mind that isn't easily controlled. Yes, I can strive to accept my thoughts, change them and not entertain the negatives.

Some days that is just darn hard work.

Regarding to clothes selections, I don't always have that sorted either! Ha. Ha. Does any one else sometimes change 10 times before they walk out the door?

Our minds are amazing in so many ways. Cheers all from Dools