How to discuss difficult sexual feelings

[Quercus]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice if anyone is willing to share.

I have two concerns....

One...

Does anyone find it almost impossible to talk to their therapist about sexual issues and feelings?

I like my psychiatrist and he is excellent and I feel comfortable generally. But talking about anything sexual involves gestures and euphemisms or else I just blurt it out and want to melt into the floor and clam up. Either way I can't seem to discuss it. Any ideas to help?

Two...

Feelings of confusion and guilt.

My backstory... High school sweetheart was a toad. I said no. He pretended not to hear. Abusive relationship.

Many years later. Happily married. Husband is trustworthy and not remotely toad like. But I don't feel WANTED! That passionate don't want to take my hands off you sort of want.

And the thoughts creep in. About how I must be sick and perverted because the only time in my life I felt like I was passionately wanted. Desired. Coveted. Was with the bloke who raped me and treated me like I was a possession.

How do you broach THAT with a spouse?! Or even a therapist?!

I can blurt it out awkwardly here. It's anonymous. A lot of people here know I'm strange and don't seem to mind me anyway.

How did you separate feelings of PASSION from feelings of guilt?

I would appreciate any advice.

Nat

[Mathy]

Hi Nat,

I wanted to say how wonderfully open and brave you are.

I have zilch to offer on Q1, I’m in the same boat as you, fortunately, it’s not an issue I have to negotiate, therapeutically - whew!

On Q2, I can offer the fact that I’ve had short relationships on several occasions (I’m gay, so multiple, monogamous is common) with people I know are not good for me, but they connect with some part of me. I’ve had long relationships that are loving, but bland - this sounds a bit similar? I’ve got a feeling that co-dependence (or something like that) is the topic if you’d like to research.

I’d certainly start exploration of the passion/guilt stuff with a therapist. Because the passion doesn’t necessarily derive completely from sexual imho.

You know what? That might be a perfect gentle launch pad to get more comfortable with Q1 - these things take time to work towards #winning ?

Hopefully, I haven’t made too many blunders there, bestest, cheers M 🙂

[demonblaster]

Dear Quercus

I'm so sorry you went through that with that mongrel. No I don't think at all you're sick or perverted, those were very vulnerable yrs, you were hurt deeply. Mutt!

Your therapist hears all types of personal sexual confidences routinely which I guess doesn't make it any easier for you at all but I agree with Mathy that it is something you need to explore with him I guess in your own time.
Do you think putting anything in writing could make it easier for you, the last thing you want is to be uncomfortable.

What about just talking in little bits each time you see him rather than all at once do you think could be easier, and maybe just blurting is the better way for you, it's out then.

I feel for you darl, sorry not much help but here for you anytime

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Quercus,

Ohh what a question! Yes - this is one of those times where it helps to be anonymous because I can understand how awkward it can be!

Q1 - I've seen a fair few therapists and my last therapist was the only one I've ever talked about sexual issues and feelings with. For me it's about trust and rapport. I didn't see her as a 'blank slate' like they do in psychotherapy; she was human. We were able to share a laugh together and she was able to hold that space of when I did feel awkward and insecure at other times. Have you ever spoken with your psychiatrist about other things and clammed up; how did he respond to that?

In terms of how to approach it; you could dive straight in (yes, embarrassing - but that would be the hardest moment), write a letter beforehand, or ask questions like 'what might you say if someone wanted to talk about xyz?'. I've written a lot of letters to help pour out my thoughts and it's helped take the edge of that conversation. Perhaps this is something to consider?

Q2 - I can really see where you're coming from and I'm sorry this is something you've had to go through. The way I see it, you haven't really had a choice because the only way you've known 'passion' is when you were raped. So that's the link that you've made even without wanting to.

Now, you're in a safer relationship and kind of wanting to find that passion again, but in a way that's healthy and consenting; and helps you feel better afterwards. I think to seperate it, it would be about learning how you made that 'link'. That it wasn't a choice you consciously made, and that you haven't really been able to experience passion in a way that wasn't harmful. Sometimes that has to start small.

To be honest I'm not really sure what the best way to approach it might be. Perhaps it could be about thinking what passion might look like in your current relationship; is it kissing you spontaneously? Is it having sex in different places? Perhaps if you can have a bit more of an idea of what you'd like to see it might be easier to broach it with your partner - so that he knows what to work towards and how to meet your needs.

Hope this is helpful 🙂

[Guest8901]

Hi Quercus. Difficult subject, and highly relevant to me too. I experienced SA as a young inexperienced adult. Your past experience saddens and upsets me and I'm sorry you endured that. I can relate to the result that you continue to live with the after effects of this experience. I don't feel able to contribute anything now, but I want to continue to follow the conversation. Best way I guess is to reply and thus be able to monitor it through My Threads. Hello and thanks to the other brave responders for broaching such a difficult topic. 🙂

Amanda

[Quercus]

Thankyou Mathy and DB and RT and Amanda for all of your thoughtful and kind replies.

I'm having one of 'those' moments where I blurt out what I need to talk about and then feel like an idiot and embarrassed and clam up. So I'm struggling to reply just yet. Will get there eventually.

I just wanted to say thank you all though. Each of your replies have given me something to think about.

RT I like the idea of figuring out what passion would look like to me in my marriage. That is something I can look at and possibly talk about so thank you.

❤ Nat

[demonblaster]

Welcome Quercus no rush take your time hun