how do i tell my family and loved ones? (tw: mentions of SA and rape)

[maddyy354]

Hi, 

when i was 17 years old i was sexually assaulted by a guy i barely knew (i am now 20). he was sober while i was under the influence of alcohol and drugs. 

over the past three years, i feel that i have dealt with it in an extremely unhealthy way. whenever the feelings or the thoughts of the incident arise, i try to push it under the rug and “forget about it”.  which builds up all these emotions, and maybe once every two-three months i actually cry about it. 

i haven’t told anyone about my experience, because i feel ashamed that i put myself in a position to be violated like that because of taking the drugs and alcohol. i have pushed friends away because of this and have not been able to stay in relationships. 

ultimately, i just need advice on how to approach this topic to my family, specifically my parents. i am at the point where i need to get it off my chest but i am too afraid. i also want to try therapy, but i don’t want to feel pressured into reporting the incident to law enforcement. i don’t think i am ready to do that or really will ever be. 

any advice would help 🙂 

thank you so much 🩷

i also wanted to add that i am now sober! i am now a year sober from drugs, 4 months sober from alcohol and 3 months sober from nicotine. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi maddyy354,

Welcome to the Forums. Thank you so much for courageously sharing what you have been though. We are deeply sorry that you experienced this. It is a brave thing to do to reach out for support and we are glad that you are here.

It is completely understandable to be feeling overwhelmed at the thought of how to tell others. There can often be a lot of shame that we carry internally which makes opening up to others incredibly difficult. At the same time, you deserve not to have to carry this on your own. 

Seeking support for yourself is a great step to take. There are some great services that can support you as you navigate how you want to proceed. We highly recommend 1800 RESPECT. If you'd like to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800 RESPECT they're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome 

You are of course also welcome to call our Support Service at any time on 1300 22 4636 or online: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. Our kind community will be here to offer their support and understanding. You are not alone in this 💙   

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear maddyy354,

I’m so sorry you went through this. I experienced a sexual assault from a healthcare professional when I was 21 and was too scared to report it. Like you I just pushed it down like it never happened as it was a shock I couldn’t deal with or process. I did the same thing after another assault aged 36. I think pushing it down like that is how you survive the experience so please don’t feel bad about that.

I don’t think you will be under pressure to report it if you disclose it to a therapist. I have told my therapist about what happened to me ( many years afterwards) and I’ve had no pressure on me to report it. The option is there if you want to at some stage but it is up to you. Although it was a hard thing for me to talk about I’m glad I shared it with my therapist as it kind of takes off some of the pressure of holding the experience all on your own, if that makes sense.

As I don’t know your parents I don’t know how they may respond. But if they are overall loving and caring parents I imagine they would want to know and support you. I did tell my mother briefly what happened to me in the first assault and she didn’t really have a response other than to kind of ignore it, but she always couldn’t really provide support to me so that was not unusual. But your parents may be quite different.

If you want someone to just begin talking to about it, the contacts Sophie has provided for 1800RESPECT or the Beyond Blue helpline are good starting points. The important thing is to not feel like it’s your fault. Even if drugs and alcohol were involved, the assault was wrong and the perpetrator holds responsibility for his actions. 

Take care and be gentle and kind to yourself. You have done really well to come off the drugs, alcohol and nicotine. Happy to chat further if you want to.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray