How do I explain how someone's words effect me so deeply that they will be mindful?

[Hardyimez]

Hello all,

I was in a dv situation with my ex partner. I have always suffered with anxiety and depression but not ptsd. I have started dating again. It got so bad with my ex I left 4mths pregnant and he came after me and threatened me with a weapon. He was never jailed, not for breaching my vro numerous times, breaching his bail conditions and his intensive community order 5 times. He stalked harassed and hounded me. I was put in a refuge, I was the one in jail. Miles away from my support network, no one allowed to visit. 3yrs later I am grateful for my beautiful daughter. One of his biggest things to terrorised me with was blame. Everything he didn't like was my fault and I mean everything. This was my dialy torture be blamed for things I had no control over or nothing to do with. I started seeing a new guy. Yesterday after a misunderstanding through text I got in trouble for things outside of my control. It triggered me big time. He has said he suffers with anxiety so I would have thought me telling him that his harsh unkind words was triggering to my ptsd would have been met with a bit more understanding. He had apologised but when those anxiety feelings take hold a flip I am sorry doesn't stop the reactions. I got the "well all guys are not your ex" oh really geez well that just makes it just fine now you said that. 

I don't want to go into the nitty gritty as it just makes it worse but also can I really be bothered to explain when even with someone who claims to know what anxiety is like says that. Am I going to have to tell any potential partner "my story" 

I just feel lost at the thought that even 3yrs later I still can't get out from under this awful mental battle. 

[Croix]

Dear Hardimez~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, which is a safe space where your anonymity is secure. The life you have lead wiht your daughter has been a nightmare, and the fact you got away and now after so many other frightening hassles have been seeking some one else says a lot about your basic strenght -not something everyone has.

I guess to be able to have a comfortable relationship one needs trust that the person will cherish you, look after you and have your back in times that are not easy. Of course it works two ways.

Frankly you have been seriously injured, and that sort of hurt does not easily disappear, though it can be brought down to the level where your life becomes enjoyable. It is however a two person job. That does not mean you need rush into telling your entire history, that may (or may not) be something you are comfortable with later.

If you react to something a partner says due ot your past their love should make them realise firstly that you are hurt, and secondly try to find out the cause so they do not do it again -that is simply love looking after you. How much you say at that point only has to be sufficient to explain why you reacted -not everything.

Saying "well all guys are not your ex" is not helpful and seems to me to belittle your past and also be dismissive. "What can I avoid to stop hurting you?" would be a whole different and more supportive attitude.

You are entitled to a person that loves you enough to put you first, and not make excuses.

Does that answer your question?

Croix

[Beth_123]

Dear Hardyimez,

I am sorry to hear about the trauma you experienced in your previous relationship and the ongoing struggles you are facing with your mental health. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and I commend you for seeking support and moving forward with your life.

It's understandable that you would be triggered by the harsh words of your new partner. It's important to communicate your feelings and needs in a relationship, and it sounds like you did that by expressing how his words affected you. It's unfortunate that his response was not more understanding, but it's possible that he simply doesn't fully understand the extent of what you have been through.

It's up to you whether or not you want to share the details of your past trauma with potential partners. It can be helpful to have a support system who understands what you have been through, but it's also important to protect your own boundaries and only share what you feel comfortable sharing.

I would encourage you to continue seeking support for your mental health, whether that be through therapy, support groups, or other resources. Healing from trauma takes time, and it's important to be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this journey.

Take care, and remember that you are not alone in this.