Hopeful new member

[ecomama]

Hi everyone

Sophie suggested I start a new thread, am I posting in the right place?

I'm new here. I've been reading some posts for a while now and was too nervous to join. I'm nervous now writing this! But I felt so much of myself being mirrored in the posts here and wanted to join a community where I felt understood. Barely a person can, but it's not their fault lol. I am grateful that others haven't been through same.

I posted quite a bit last night and am not familiar with the workings of the site, I will work it out somehow lol.

I feel like I wrote so much about myself last night that I don't want to repeat myself but here I go...

I have LOTS of children, am a single parent and work more than full time. All of us have experienced far too much trauma for words to ever express. All of us have exhibited signs of PTSD and C-PTSD has been mentioned more than once. We all receive varying amounts of counselling, psychologist support and sometimes a lot of extra support in our places of work and school.

It is exhausting seeking and finding a person to trust in getting help in almost every sector for each of us, I have been doing that for decades in one form or another. I have found that no one has all the answers but I really appreciate the people who have tried their best.

I am not sure how much to disclose here but basically because I was directed to report to scary sectors, our family can receive free counselling for the rest of our lives. A lot of what we suffered is like a horror movie but worse, we lived it. Those things are in the past for us, hopefully forever, but the memories and dreams are haunting us still. My children sometimes tell me about their frightening memories. I don't know what to do when my children express their own horrors to me but my counsellor said I am doing okay with these moments. I listen. Nod. Hug them. Cry with them. Tell them they are amazing and beautiful. Reinforce that we will NEVER let this be in our lives again. I was completely unaware of the worst things that happened to my children.

I have reported my guts out over everything and been in every Court imaginable, almost. I have strong negative views about legal processes.

On the flip side I am trying to fit the pieces together of all the things I've learnt to become a happy person. Happiness is SO HARD to get. I settle for contentment if I can find it in moments throughout the day. I try to remember to smile, that's a nice contagion.

Thankyou for reading. 🙂

[Aaronsis]

Welcome Ecomama

Is so wonderful to have you here part of our community. It is a real thought why we are all here, that ultimately it is pain and hurt in one form or another, that is really a tragedy that there are so many who suffer, then I look at the threads and see the support, the care and the love that people give and share from their pain to help another and then I see people like you come along and it gives me hope in human kind.

I am so very sorry that you have to see your children cry through nightmares and memories that resemble a horror film, that is heartbreaking for a parent to have to see their child suffer, then to manage you on top of that also and make sure you are ok. It seems to me you are doing so very well in providing a safe and happy life for you children and that is beautiful.

I just wanted to say that your post really moved me, you are so very inspirational, your attitude towards the trauma you have endured could have quite easily gone in a very different direction, but here you are reaching our and ready to support others, what a wonderful person.

These are the moments that remind me how magical this forum is, this community is and how the words of one can really reach another.

Thank you for you Ecomama

Hugs to you and your gorgeous children

Sarah

[ecomama]

Awww THANK YOU Sarah! My heart is so warmed by your response. The world we live in can seem so cold but you warmed ours up tonight.

Life has been absolute hell at times, inhabited by demons disguised as humans for sure. Even when a light is shining upon them for all to see, so many escape true justice and that is the worst injustice for humankind. Harm to children is completely intolerable to me.

I try to not drown in the massively negative emotions that thinking of all of this brings to my mind. It just gets me and everyone around me absolutely nowhere. I did EVERYTHING a human could possibly do in my situation. I did beyond my best. I try to build a HUGE concrete wall around these thoughts and focus on what's in front of me now.

And indeed my children are the most beautiful gift, thankyou for noticing! lol. I have gathered others who also call me mum. They bring so much meaning to my life. Up until covid we often had around 20 of 'my children' here on weekends lol.... luckily I already stored loo paper like a doomsday trooper. I didn't buy any for 3 months and still had some to share.

I invested so much of my babies lives in DV and FV, reporting, fighting in Courts, applying for every hardship grant known to man, getting food parcels from churches, struggling .… I just want peace with them around me and our multitudes of pets!

The abusers forbid or harmed our pets but now we have a haven for them.

I'm a bit of lawbreaker... only 6 chickens allowed here lol but we took in 20 from a charity who saves them after their Service in battery cells. I got into trouble with 24. Throw it on the pile. I reckon anyone would be nuts to take me on lol. All my lawyers and barristers thought I was a lawyer with the study I did to keep them all on their toes. Winning our autonomy, privacy and relative freedom was worth every second.

Recovery is another journey entirely. Most of the time I ignore naysayers now. It could hurt if they had credibility to throw criticism. No one knows what we've been through... walk a mile in my shoes kind of attitude.

The kids are AWESOME. It bothered me a lot that they all changed their career paths during the 'dark ages' as we call it. They changed from creative pursuits to serving and protecting others kinds of careers. I felt sad about this but it is not only my journey. If they can make sense of the insanity to serve others as a result, then the world will be a safer place for many in the future.

Yours in a better world.