Hey guys finaly gained the courage to open up

DavidJ007 · ‎06-02-2016

I need to find people to talk to but have no idea where to start. Im a 35yo male and im finally at breaking point. I don't know where to turn and I don't know who to talk to. I treat my partner bad not physical but verbally and emotionaly. I can only put it down to me taking my own insecurities out on her. I need to stop as last thing I want is to loose her. My issues started as a child while my father was in jail my mothers boyfriends were physcially and emotionally abusive to her. I was sexually assaulted as a young boy by a older boy, being a child coming home at night only for the police to knock on the car window for drug raids a few times at that as well as many other violent nights I spent cowering in the corner.. Im in no way trying to make excuses for what I have become but I know its time to make a stand and ask for help to try work through my issues. I feel like I have something wrong with myself nearly everyday, I have with drew from the world I have put on a lot of weight, I feel unhappy within my self I just don't know where I start to start the healing process. Anyway thanks for having me and I look forward to talking to some of you soon Dave

Ditz · ‎08-02-2016

Hey davidj

You have gone through a hell of a lot. And im affraid my post will not give you any solid answers or peace but i can suggest some first steps for you.

You have shown me how strong you are as well in 3 simple steps.

1) you opened up & actually wrote this post, layed it out there warts & all.

2) you can see & have admitted to the negative treatment to your partner. Admitting my bad faults was the hardest thing for me to do.

3) your not being a victum. Your taking responsibilty for your actions, you acknowledged & stated the significant factors in your life that have affected you & you are asking for help to get past it all.

So instead of bombarding you with lots of info im going to suggest 3 steps to take in the next fortnight.

1) go for 2x 10 min walks each wk

2) before you say anything to your partner, stop & ask yourself "if it is something you would LIKE said to you"

3) go see your GP about getting professional help.

Now my 3 best pieces of start up advice

1) its taken you many years to become this person you are today, it will take a long time to undo the damage.

2) many things happened in your life to get you to the way you feel today. It will take trying & RETRYING many things to help you feel better eg: talking, eating right, exercise, meds, solid sleep, 'you' time, honest communication, overcoming fears, learning to say 'no' or 'sorry', getting out of your comfort zone, acceptance etc etc

3) never give up! you have gone through the bad now remind yourself how much you deserve the good.

I wish you all the best & so happy in my heart to see you taking these first steps.

geoff · ‎08-02-2016

dear David, hello and great to hear from you, and what Ditz has said is sound advice, and what you have had to encounter
over all these years is not something that any of us would never want to experience.
Unfortunately your partner is copping a large amount of your frustration which you are unsure on how to stop, look it's
not really your fault, but it's the only way for you to try and cope with yourself and what's going on around you.
There are sites on the net 'on how to get your life back' which maybe able to start your journey back, and I only mean
this in good faith, but will also need the help from your doctor.
Can I suggest that you look at your diet, because when you begin to lose some weight makes you feel on top of the world,
and I'm sure your partner would be so proud of you.
Secondly you won't be able to do any of unless you have some help and supervision from both your doctor as well as a
psychologist, and I really mean this, plus we want to help you along, but let's start on these issues one by one,
because you won't be able to handle all of these at once.
Please reply back to us. Geoff.

DavidJ007 · ‎10-02-2016

Hey guys thanks for you comments. I went to my gp today to start on my mental health plan. Also got my referral to go to a cardiologist to see if I suffer from the desseas that took my nan and aunti and is in our family. Something tells me this is going to be a long road but I hope to be somewhat normal happy self in the end

Mares73 · ‎14-02-2016

Dear David

welcome to the Beyond Blue community & im so very glad you reached out here. You will not be judged in any way-we understand that trauma as a child or an adult can leave devastating scars & we will stand by you & offer as much support as we can give you. In fact great friendships develop here as its a safe place where you can let out all your feelings & in return you will receive compassion, genuine care & support.

You have endured a traumatic & violent childhood. It's no wonder that without meaning too-your feelings have reached a limit & now you are taking out some of your pain on your partner. There is no "manual" to help us overcome tragic childhoods & im sure your experiencing guilt as well. Yet as Geoff said its not a matter of fault as you are clearly in pain & aware of taking things out on your girlfriend. You show great strength & courage despite all the pain you've endured.

Youve gone to your Dr & got a mental health plan to see a Pyschologist I presume. See what insight & courage you have? To face yourself is something it can take people a long time to do.

Have you considered or talked to your Dr about antidepressant medication? Far from making you happy they ideally make you feel "more like yourself" & can stop the bottom of the pits lows. It may well assist you whilst you deal with all the pain you've endured. You can see it as a short term option if that helps. Personally I think medication, therapy, finding support people are all part of the bundle that helps heal our pain & suffering. Have you had a diagnosis? It appears from what you wrote you may also have Post-traumatic Stress disorder (PTSD). Your childhood must have been full of fear & loneliness. My heart goes out to you.

Yet despite all you've gone through you found the strength to go to the Drs & get a mental health plan. That's pretty amazing & a testament to your courage & self awareness. You should be proud of yourself.

Id really like you to stay in touch if you feel that's ok? It would be great to support you on your journey.

Thankyou sincerely for sharing your story. I look forward to hearing from you again.

Your a legend for what you've achieved!

Take Care

Mares X

blondguy · ‎14-02-2016

Hey David

To say that you are already healing is an understatement.....what a pro-active post!

* Ditz was spot on ....a GP...and you have done it already...I admire your strength...Nice1 🙂

* Geoff & Mares have a ton of experience with your situation

* Be kind to yourself..if you dont like referring to your 'mental' health plan as such its still a 'health plan' and congrats for setting up a 'health plan' This is huge progress you have made David

* Being positive about taking anti-depressants (Thankyou Mares!) They will enable you to 'heal' effectively

I feel for you with what you have had to go through in your life....My heart ached when I read about you cowering in that corner. I have been in the same corner....and cant articulate how that felt.....

You have kicked some goals here David

Please say hi...we are here for you

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Starwolf · ‎14-02-2016

Hi there David,

There is little I can add to the insightful advice you have already received here.

However, I feel the need to say "well done' too. Your courage and inner strength deserve respect.

Like you, I have had a dysfunctional childhood to say the least. So I am with you re the feelings of fear, anger and the sense of helplessness and isolation which go with multiple, repeated traumas. Like you I have lashed out and hurt those around me and endured following guilt. I have indulged coping mechanisms which only ended up doing additional harm. Quite a few of us here can relate to all of the above. You are not alone.

So I need you to know that with patient work, willingness to go through the highs and lows, trials and errors, you can come through the other end feeling happier and functional in every aspect of life.

You have what it takes. You have made it this far with the odds stacked against you. Surviving a traumatic childhood to reach the point where you are now shows that you have developed great endurance power. People have harmed you because they were themselves dysfunctional. It doesn't mean they have prevailed and forced you to join their ranks, ruining the rest of your life. You deserve a lot better than that.

So well done again, David. Your contribution will be much appreciated.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you.