Heartbroken and Confused

[Charisma_Lotus]

My long term bf of 7yrs lied to me about wanting to get married and have kids. Keep in mind that we had already picked baby names we liked and he also gave me a wedding planner journal. Relationship wise I thought everything was pretty good. The only thing we would debate about is when we were going to move in together. 
I had a miscarriage last December (I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time). I found myself falling into depression hole. Whenever I would tell him how I was feeling he would just brush off my feelings. 
After a weekend away with his friends, he told me that he “does not know” if he wants to be in a relationship with me anymore. Heartbroken, I decided to break up with him. It’s been 5 mths now and he has reached out and says he wants to talk to me. During the no contact phase he kept calling and sending me texts. I didn’t respond to any of them. I needed space to heal. In the texts he told me he loved me but felt he was growing apart. 
I’m very hesitant to see him in person as I believe he is not going to tell me anything that I don’t already know. Is he just trying to make himself feel better about the break up? 
 I feel as though I’m just going to get hurt again. The emotional pain is unbearable. Grieving the future I had imagined with him and trying to accept that it is no longer, is really hard for me. 
Some days are good and some days I’m really bad mentally.
Looking back on the relationship I have realised that I was the only one making compromises and it was only when I decided to stand my ground (regarding marriage and children) that my ex had an issue with me.

There was a lot of emotional abuse and found myself always getting pushed to my limits before yelling and finding myself in an argument with him (reactive abuse). 

Are there any tips or advice you guys can give me in order to move on? I feel like nothing I have read is helping…

Do you think I should meet up with him? Or should I go with my gut feeling and not meet up? I feel like I’m unable to trust his words after he lied to me for so long… 

[therising]

Hi Charisma_Lotus

I feel for you so deeply as you make sense of so much heartache, as well as making sense of the best way forward. I've found to be in 2 minds is hard when you don't know exactly what those 2 minds involve. 'Is it a deeply loving aspect of me vs some fearful mistrusting aspect hashing it out or is an incredibly hopeful aspect of me vs the sage in me?' If we know, without a doubt, that it's some sage-like highly intuitive facet of our self advising us (that's always had the right advice) it's a much easier call.

Sounds like you're wondering whether he's finally woken up to himself and his need to change in a number of ways or whether he's doing again what he's perhaps always done. Has he decided he's happiest when he's with you? Will things be all rosey for him until he starts to face challenges he doesn't want to face? Will he leave you feeling alone in those challenges, while considering pulling out of the relationship again because it's getting too hard? While I've cycled through depressing periods of feeling alone in the challenges that have come up in my marriage, one thing I've come to realise is 'If I can't be myself, that is the most depressing thing of all'. If we can't be the person who likes to resolve issues or make better sense of challenges, based on our partner not wanting to discuss the hard stuff, or if we can't be the person who likes to express the kinds of feelings that can torment us because it doesn't suit them to face those feelings or if we can't be the kind of person who likes to create a vision of the future to work toward because they don't want to see that kind of stuff, then we're sacrificing parts of our self.

Easiest way to find out whether someone has changed involves giving yourself the freedom to be you. In a way, it's a test for both parties. While he may have gradually, over the years, led you to become someone who doesn't rock the boat, the test may involve simply not caring if the boat is rocked. His test may involve constructively managing a rocking boat, as opposed to bailing out of it. Would the first conversation with him involve that kind of test? Would it be a truly telling conversation, telling you everything you need to know?

My heart goes out to you regarding the miscarriage. Miscarriage can be such a heartbreaking experience. Even if it's an early stage miscarriage, there can still so much sufferance based on losing so much of what you had to look forward to. For me, a 6 week and 12 week miscarriage felt the same, both heartbreaking. It's not just about the miscarriage, it's also about our partner supporting us and guiding us through and beyond what can feel like a soul destroying sense of heartbreak. When it feels like there is just no light on that part of our path in life, we need a guide/partner who holds the light for us.