Having a difficult time - male with intense panic and fear surrounding dating/intimacy

[rhinoceros]

Hi everyone

I spent 5 1/2 years in a bad relationship. To cut a long story short, it involved a lot of psychological abuse and so many aspects of my life were under the control of my ex. The most damaging aspect of this time was that I was forced to have sex even though I didn't want to; however when at times my body wouldn't respond (seems normal to not find an abuser attractive in retrospect), I was yelled/screamed at. It was honestly like world war three. I didn't know how to deal with all this back then and I stayed with her honestly believing any issues with intimacy, or the relationship in general were my fault.

I left her just over 2 years ago and have been single in that time. Initially once the trauma-bond started to ease, I felt a sense of peace that I enjoyed. Now days I do deal with intense loneliness and in some ways want some kind of deeper connection with someone.

Last week a close friend of mine (female) sent me a message that gently hinted she took a romantic interest in me. We've been good friends for a while now.

Instead of feeling flattered or feeling good about this, I plunged into an intense panic episode that's lasted most of last week, it's been totally debilitating. I'm terrified of any form of intimacy, especially anything physical, to the point where I feel physically nauseous... this was all caused by one very innocuous message . I don't know even if I am attracted to my friend in that way, I can't even think that clearly with all this fear and panic.

I replied to this message, in a friendly way but didn't really encourage that direction of conversation, and we did catch up yesterday , with others, and things seemed a little awkward at first but were better as the afternoon went on.

I feel sick with guilt, worried I've hurt her... also absolutely sick of this intense panic and fear. I want to be able to accept compliments from females, and ones I'm attracted to, and even eventually date again... but instead I freeze and invariably push people away.

I feel so utterly alone and hopeless at the moment, I never chose to be abused and I'd sure never choose to live like this. 

I'm hoping others on the forum might be able to empathise and/or offer me some advice? I'd be very grateful.

[rhinoceros]

Hi everyone

Just a quick message to thank you for helping me with this. All is good between me and my friend - cleared the air. 

It's a huge wake-up call that I need to work on dealing with my C-PTSD better. Clearly I'm not coping well and I don't want to go into a panic every time someone takes even the slightest interest in me. It's extremely frustrating but something I have to work on. 

Am seeing a counsellor and when my limited budget permits, a psychologist. Have made appointments . I'm also contemplating going back on SNRI medication (was on it for 10 years) - anxiety/depression was better managed back then. Taking things one day at a time for now.

Thanks again for all your help

[mypositiveside]

Thank you for the update, and it's great to hear that you and your friend have cleared the air. Communication can go a long way in smoothing out misunderstandings.

Recognizing that you need to work on managing your C-PTSD is a significant step. It's not easy, and it can be incredibly frustrating, but acknowledging it and taking steps to address it is a big part of the healing process.

[Youll_float_too]

Hi rhinoceros, 

I'm going through the exact same thing, my ex was both physically and mentally abusive and he maliciously destroyed both mine and my kids lives because he's a psychopath. We broke up about 6 years ago and since then I have not wanted anyone to touch me and the thought of being in a relationship again is just horrible. Being lied too, used and cheated on has made it impossible for me to ever trust anyone again and honestly the thought of having to date, get close to someone and all the time and effort you have to go to is just exhausting. 

All I ever wanted was a normal happy family and he took that away from me, not only by lying and being abusive but he actually did things so horrible and damaging that I now have to spend the rest of my life alone and my kids will never have a family.

I do feel like there must be something wrong with me and I am lonely, but lonely is better than being hurt.

Don't force yourself into a situation your not comfortable with. 

[rhinoceros]

Hi Youll_float_too

I'm so sorry to hear what you have gone through. It sounds harrowing.

It's a tough position to be in. Like you, I feel like trusting other people seems impossible. I don't wish to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm actually a very lonely person, but am having a tough time moving on from my fear of being abused again.

I do agree though, lonely is better than hurt. I'd rather be single than still be in that toxic situation with my ex.

I am continuing to get counselling etc. for my C-PTSD and am still contemplating going back on SNRI medication again, but it was such a nightmare to come off, it's with a lot of trepidation that I'd start on it again. 

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot to know others are in similar situations to me. It makes me feel less alone.