Have friends but still feeling isolated and alone

[Nztruckr]

Hi all have posted on beyond blue before i have a history of abuse both sexually and physically which happened some 44 yrs ago over a long period of 6-7 yrs

Now apart from the regular flashbacks and nightmares i have started feeling isolated and alone even more so now than i have ever been i have some of the best friends a bloke can ask for only i dont know how to talk with them about things

I also freeze when I'm out with them and am less able to show affection and warmth towards anyone at all .whats wrong with me why am i suddenly feeling this way

I look at people out with their friends /family and yearn for the ability to be able to interact just like them but i cant I'm socially awkward and although my friends include me in many things i cant seem to gel on the same level as them if that makes any sense i feel my life going backwards not forwards at a loss of what to do

i am pretty sure its more than a medication thing point is I'm just not happy doing anything anymore

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Nztruckr,

If you haven't already, I'd like to suggest that you perhaps get some face-to-face counseling. I too am a survivor of years of abuse, but I understand that men and women experience things a bit differently sometimes. ..... I am a woman, which is why I mentioned that. I too have had flashbacks and nightmares pretty much all my life, but from the moment I told someone about it, I was strongly encouraged to talk to a professional about it. And I know that for female survivors there is a lot of help out there. I feel as though I'm sounding a bit sexist saying all this, but anyway, I'm just not sure of what services are out there for men, but surely there is more services these days? Anyway, I've posted a link below to an external website, which I hope is of some use to you.

https://www.dvrcv.org.au/service-assisting-male-survivors-sexual-assault-samssa-canberra

I think it's based in Canberra, and I don't know where you are, but the phone number is (02) 6287 3935. Hopefully they will be able to direct, or refer you to a service in your area.

Remember a problem shared is a problem halved. I do hope you find something/someone to help you navigate a way through to better living. Well done too for sharing with us. It's a brave thing to do.

Take care. Hope that helps at least a little. xo

[Nztruckr]

Hi soberlicious

Thank you for the reply i have done mountains of counseling but dont really like it to much as i feel counsellors are rather hypocritical as they try to understand how you feel but when it comes down to it know sweet f@#k all about the emotions you go through not to mention i have a real hard time connecting with people so am probably not going to be to open with them

The second part of my issue is i tend to lock myself away from people which is strange as i can work but when i get home I'm pretty much a recluse nowdays and really have no inkling to go out where there are people and this is only being a recent thing so yeah not to sure what to make of it really

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Nztruckr,

Maybe you could try something a bit different then, if counseling and 'people' are not your thing.

A little while ago I was doing some research (good old Google!) and came across something about 'rewriting the nightmare'. In other words, when I have a bad dream, I can 'rewrite' the nightmare when I get up in the morning, to something different.

I too have had nightmares pretty much all my life, due to the abuse and other traumas I suffered through as a child. The nightmares always relate, in some way, to one or more of the traumas. But not too long ago I tried the 'rewriting' thing and I must say it gave me some relief. Not only that, but I haven't had a nightmare as severe since ...... not saying I'm cured of my nightmares, but I am definitely feeling more confident.

For Example; the nightmare was about someone breaking into my home and causing harm (to the point of death) to my partner, his brother, and then me. In the dream I was calling the police and woke up when I was still 'screaming out' in the dream. When I got up the next morning, I rewrote the dream. I'm now using the word dream on purpose too, because I belive there's power in the words we choose. Anyway, I wrote that I dreamed that someone was knocking on my door and trying to get into my home, but instead of them getting in, I went to the door and firmly told them to go away. That this was not their place, I was not their person, and this was not the time. I then firmly closed and locked the door, and they went away.

What I'm trying to say is that there are many ways out there to overcome nightmares and PTSD. It doesn't have to be a life sentence. You CAN get better and live a better life. Perhaps if you start with rewriting your nightmares into dreams where you have the power, you can also begin, in effect, to rewrite your waking life into something more fulfilling and connected.

Anyway, just a suggestion. Am keeping you in my thoughts. xo

[Nztruckr]

Thank you for your reply again soberlicious

Normally when i have my flashbacks / nightmares they are severe enough to wake me if im sleeping or put me into an aggressive mood if im awake i normally if im awake will then shut myself away from people until my anger subsides i have tried to rewrite dreams as you put it but its something that i either havent mastered or the rage i feel is still to strong to forget

Either way i feel myself starting to withdraw more and more from being round people and life in general

I have heard people say it gets better but in the last 44 yrs its been up and down but not better

[Soberlicious96]

Perhaps the 'expectation' (or hope) that you will 'forget' it is unrealistic? I don't think anyone ever really forgets abuse that was repetitive and so invasive in your life. The whole idea of being able to live in a way that is without the abuse taking over, is to practice, practice, and practice some more with the re-scripting and living in the now.

I once wrote letters to my abusers, calling them out for every big and little hurt they had ever caused me. And then I 'posted' those letters in a bin down the street, nearby a mailbox.

I also did a revengeful drawing of one of my attackers where I had turned the tables and had taken away all his power. It was ME with the power, and HIM with pain. Maybe some might think that's sick or wrong, but it helped me to feel better and less vulnerable.

What I'm trying to say is that there are many different ways of moving forward, and many different therapeutic methods out there, it's just a matter of finding what works for you.

But most importantly, it's PRACTICE. You need ........ sorry, I meant to say that I SUGGEST you practice more in letting go, bringing your mind to here and now where you are safe, and keep rewriting your dreaming and waking life into confidence and joy, until such time as you can again begin to feel confident and joyful.

I believe that you can indeed feel confident, joyful and connection with others again. I say that because if it can happen for me, it can happen for you. It may not happen quickly, but it can and will happen so long as you persevere.

Take care. I'll keep an eye out for another reply, if you wish. xo