Hard to articulate

[Somebodyhelp]

Hello,

I am struggling to articulate what I want to say. I always seem very confused with how I feel about things and situations so in turn I act and behave in ways I’m not sure is “correct”. Ahhh.. I’ll give an example.

I have 3 babies and separated from my husband about 7 months ago.

My oldest son (4) his biological father called me last week for the first time EVER. My husband took me in when I was pregnant and signed the birth certificate etc. I have been flooded with emotions, since he has called - happiness mostly. I adore this man... or do I? He is the most unstable, irrational and irratic human. He has been wondering why I am not mad at him and surprised I have reacted kindly. Everyone else has also wondered why I didn’t tell him to get lost, also. Why? I think I still love him.. Or am I just afraid he is going to leave my life at the drop of a hat again? I don’t know.. i don’t know how I feel. Why aren’t I mad at this man for leaving me and my baby whilst I was pregnant? Why do I forgive him so easily and he doesn’t even have to work for it. Why do I want to see him so badly?! Do I love him or am I just insecure? I want to make sure I keep things nice so he doesn’t disappear again. WHY do I care if he disappears again? Is it love or insecurity..

It’s killing me. I don’t know how to set up boundaries properly and the only thing I don’t want is for him to drop me and my son like a hot potato again.

[PamelaR]

Hello somebodyhelp.

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. They are a fairly friendly bunch and you'll find some popping in now and then. A bit like i'm doing now.

You say 'you struggle to articulate yourself'. Hmmm, your post is very articulate.

Having three babies and being on your own, that is a mammoth. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel and how you mange. You do - Awesome!! About allowing the father of your son to move back into your life.... Can I share something about my first husband?

I was 20 when I first got married. By our first anniversary I'd left him. We had no children, but he was an emotional and financial abuser turning into a physical abuser. Advice and assistance from my employer helped me move state in my job. Unfortunately he found me - phoned me, wanted to meet after work. I knew that if i saw him, because I 'still loved him' I'd go back.

He was toxic - unstable, irrational and irratic. For self preservation I refused to see him and left in a a colleague's car, so he couldn't see me, crouching in the back seat.

Never looked back, though fear sometimes emerges about whether he may find me. It took me awhile to 'not love him' and to 'not fall for the same type of man'. I changed by proactively working out what I wanted in a partner. I listed the qualities, characteristics and emotion, i.e.:

Anyone I dated or met I evaluated against the list

If they didn't meet that criteria - they were gone. Even if there was a physical, sexual, emotional attraction. I needed to be safe, happy, loved and cared for.

6 years after making that list - I met my husband of 35 years. I ticked all the boxes and have never looked back. Completely different - personality, character and life experience to my first husband.

How about your self? Can I ask a few questions? You don't need to answer, they are aimed at thinking through what's happening for you:

• Do you know how you want to be treated by a partner?
• What you want your partner to be like? Are you afraid for your children if he were to return?

I think you are doing really well. You are strong, you know what you want and do not want. Sometimes our heart makes us think we are vulnerable and easy to sway. It's making decisions using both our heart, our mind (brain) and our spirituality (does not necessarily mean a christian perspective. It's whatever basis of belief one has)

Hope some of this may help you move on to make positive decisions for yourself and your children.

Kind regards

PR