Grieving estrangement from daughter

[Futchy]

I have a daughter, only child, aged 23. We have been very close her whole life. Possibly too close as I have a history of family abuse during my own childhood and strove to create a loving bond with my daughter. I'm not a perfect parent, but have supported MG (my girl) throughout her life and built a very close relationship. She has been in a de facto relationship for 2 years with a 24 yo man who has disengaged from his own family, has no friends and seems to have a problem with my daughter's friends.

Recently he had upset MG very much and I went to visit, that night she didn't come home and in worry I confronted her BF. My daughter was angry with me and I apologised to her BF later. He however had been pressuring MG to stop having a relationship with me, as he has done with his own family. She has recently decided to distance herself from me. I respect her decision and am trying to just give her space, whilst letting her know I'm here for her.

However I'm worried about her as she deals with depression. I'm also very hurt and angry, which I suppose is grief. I'd love some advice on how to distance and detach a little from the parenting relationship, so I can heal my own feelings, without cutting MG off completely. I'm also ending a long term relationship atm, and although we are mostly amicable and I have a new direction re home for myself I'm feeling a bit sad & lost with what is going on. How do I let go??

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to BB forum Futchy;

You've got a lot going on there haven't you? I feel for you as I do understand the grief you're talking about, as a mother and a daughter I might add.

Separation anxiety is unfortunately part and parcel of parenthood. However, doing it on your own as a single mum is worse; I can attest to that. My son's 29 now, living with his gf and doing a great job of learning from his mistakes. He comes to me for advice, sees me at family gatherings and we visit each other 'very' sporadically. I'm used to it now, but early on it tore me to pieces.

Creating a close bond with an only child isn't a huge deal; it could be worse. If it hasn't caused any problems for you both (in itself) then the problem would be with her bf. He wouldn't understand the closeness between you as his own family dynamic is far different. This is something for your daughter to deal with in her relationship.

Talking with her about his 'detachment' issues (just light questions, not probing) and how this could impact on her too much as his go-to for just about everything, might help her understand and make more rational decisions on her own behalf.

But...sometimes we need to pull back and allow our kids to make their own mistakes; it just is. (Unless of course there's abuse involved) The best lessons are learned through trial and error, yeah?

I have no doubt not having her around to lean on as you go through your break-up is hard too. 'Feeling' grief seems to scare people in western culture so we try to avoid it, but there's no other way to go I'm afraid. It hurts until it doesn't.

Accepting this is a new beginning, and an ending of this relationship, is core. Life is about change, your growth as a woman, not just a mother, is important too.

One day at a time ok. Feel, get by and look forward to a better tomorrow. A bit cliché, but life requires it.

Hope to hear from you soon;

Kind thoughts;

Sez (hugs)

[Futchy]

Thank you Sez, your words lifted me and helped me realise what I've always known, that letting go is part of the parenting cycle, for all of us really.

You are so astute to recognise that it is also difficult for me not to be able to lean on my daughter a little during my own challenges atm. But these discussions only further add to her worries, so I've realised that this can't be part of her role as my daughter for now. It's my job to understand, that although she is grown, I am really the adult and she is the child in this relationship... when we have close relationship, and are used to open communication with our kids I guess this dynamic can become easily blurred.

She is not being abused by her bf and again you are very wise to point out our kids need to learn for themselves, sometimes through their mistakes... as we all did. I suppose as parents it's natural to want to protect, esp when there have been serious past hurts to navigate (her biological father was abusive, long in the past & a long story I won't bore you with), but sometimes the scars remain and we want to be protector always.

She is doing a good job overall of navigating her life and the challenges of adulting, for which I'm grateful (with the occasional major meltdown). I guess I can only continue to be there when needed, look towards my own future - as you say, one day at a time; and reach out to friends, forums and even a writing journal to sort through my own hurts at this time.

Part of me is excited for the future, and part terrified.... but mostly content that all will be ok for everyone in the long run; better than ok 😊

Thank you for your reply, it helped me a lot - wise words of yours and just not feeling quite so alone xxx

[Just Sara]

I'm really glad you got something productive out of my response Futchy. Thankyou for your feedback too; it's nice to know my efforts to support you hold value.

Anytime you want to chat or vent some woes, don't hesitate to reach out ok. Having a safe and anonymous space to express your feelings etc, with someone to bounce them off, I hope will provide helpful relief when you need it.

You're doing a great job of mothering. I hear it in your words and might I say, beautifully written posts. I have no doubt you've passed on these and more 'core qualities' to your daughter without even knowing it. We mums tend to do that...

I see it in my son. Once upon a time I looked for his mistakes attempting to predict future problems continuing on with the sole protector role. Now I 'witness' his growth and wisdom rise to the challenge; payment for my sacrifice I dare say.

I also know the abuse story many of us here can attest to. If you want to offload past, fears or tears, I'm here for you with a lived experience perspective.

You're lovely person;

Best of luck;

Sez x

[Futchy]

DV is a definite problem in this and many countries. I left MG father when she was 2 due to physical abuse on me, he chose no contact with MG which I was glad for but I kept in touch with his mum as I thought me daughter would want to know her dad one day, I also wanted her to have a nanna.

When she was 13 he had another family and got is contact. When she was 14 I supported her to spend Xmas with them, which was challenging for me - first Xmas without her, so I went on a cruise with my current partner (who I'm now separating from). During that visit her dad sexually abused her on 4 occasions 😪 I work in community service so went into damage control to support her through this nightmare. After much love, support & counselling, we came through but as I wrote earlier am sure some scars remain. The guilt I felt for "allowing this to happen" was shocking, even though I was able to recognise that, of course I had no way of knowing (I found out within days of her return home) and that I was trying to be a "good mum" in support of her relationship with her dad, guilt is a good friend of the black dog depression.

Because of this and a natural urge that many of us have to protect our kids, when things go wrong I often go to my horrid "friend" guilt, and look for all the things I did wrong, could've done different ... etc. I'm learning to go easier on myself and realise that as a young woman MG journey is now her own to live. Your words "Life is about change, your growth as a woman, not just a mother, is important too" really resonate and I think that this is my challenge now.

Thank you for the support x

[Just Sara]

Hi again Futchy;

Some of your post was hard to read. I'm really sorry...

I know the guilt menace too as my son was sexually abused by a very dear friend between 18 months and 2yo three times I can work out. I'd already become suspicious so I followed 'him' into the house (at a party) and caught him in the act. My little boy screamed bloody murder and clawed at my chest, seemingly trying to get into my body away from his abuser.

Not listening to my gut earlier on and the aftermath haunts me; I wish I had've smashed his face in. Enough said...

I do understand and know there's nothing I can say to help you rid your life of that memory and emotions from it. But...it does get easier as time passes.

What you did, bringing them together, came from a good place. If you could see into the mind of an abuser, understand and predict their actions, simply...you'd be one. But you're not, you were directed by your goodness; that's not a crime, or negligent.

Women have got to stop taking the rap for these mongrels. You deserve better and I do too.

Yes, getting to know and be yourself again is a great idea. Any plans on the horizon? I hope so.

I might leave things here as I'm a bit revved up. Focus wanders when I'm reminded so my mind isn't the best to continue.

Please keep writing though ok. It's good for the soul.

Hugs...

Sez x