First time poster & abuse survivor.

MelancholyPineapple · ‎27-09-2019

My younger sister has always been the bossy one and the one aware of her mental health and proactive in doing something to take care of herself. Her latest is telling me I have PTSD and demanding that I see a doctor and get help. I'd never really thought about this before but doing some research I have found myself here. I was physically, mentally and sexually abused for 14 years of my childhood. My home life was not great, my "safe" person (my Grandma) passed away when I was 16 and I was offered no grief counselling and to this day I struggle to attend funerals and grieve for friends and family. I was an alcoholic but have been sober for 20 plus years. I cry a lot, I have anxiety (not formally diagnosed), I have the most bizarre and vivid dreams most nights which cause lack of sleep, I have a couple of triggers that really upset me, I like to be in control of things, I hate asking for help from anyone and will struggle on and do things for myself, I prefer to stay at home and avoid as many social things that I can, I push people away, I only have a few close friends. A big issue for me is that I comfort eat, which was fine when I was younger and could burn it off easily but now I'm overweight. Part of me hates how big I am and part of me likes it as it's a big "up you" to my mother who constantly told me I was fat and had to lose weight when I was a child/teen. I've spoken to a counselor in the past but all I really did was sit and cry for the entire session as I struggled to articulate how I was feeling. I feel like maybe I do have PTSD but it's not something I know much about and wonder how to bring this up with my gp. It's nice to have read some other people's posts and know that I am not alone. Not sure what I'm really looking for here, maybe just validation that this is something I can see my doctor about and not just something I'm making up in my head. Thanks

Guest_1643 · ‎01-06-2020

HI MP

Secondng EM i just came upon your posts and was so so happy to see that you found a way to get help. Really it is brave and courageous to do, whatever the outcome. From an outsider's point of you, I am always impressed that people ask for help - it's not easy and so many never do. What you've done is a huge step - well done for taking care of you!

I suffer a lot of the same symptoms as you, and it can be very hard. Nightmares are so scary and can make nighttime so difficult. I have them regularly as well. You are definitely not alone and these symptoms are common PTSD effects. Although it is a small comfort, I must admit it did make me feel better to know that I wasn't going crazy, and some of my body's repsonses to the trauma i'd been through were normal, and occured to many. It sounds like you are feeling a bit of that here, finding some other fellow travellers who can so relate to your story.

MelancholyPineapple · ‎12-10-2020

A long time between posts, as usual. Thank you ecomama and Sleepy21 for your kind words. I've just completed 6 psych sessions and have had my MHCP review (I didn't cry!) and heading into my next 4 sessions. I've learned a lot about myself already, I have a set of "new world" rules on my fridge to read every day and I am already feeling a lot better about myself. Anxiety has reduced a lot, as has the crying. I have in my head that my next step in healing myself is telling my mother about my abuse. We don't have the best of relationships but we do still chat and catch up on a semi regular basis, less now that my kids are young adults. The only way I could tell her everything is by writing it all down in a letter. I don't (at this stage anyway) want to discuss any of it with her I just feel that by giving her my thoughts it will somehow take a weight off of my mind. I am obviously worried about her reaction, worried about hurting her and pushing her away and I'm not sure that she has anyone to talk to this about, her partner has dementia and my sister doesn't talk to her. I am also worried that she will not believe me. I know this should be about my feelings but I have always been the "peace keeper and the people pleaser" and find it hard to make it about me. As a mother I would be mortified if my adult child told me about years of abuse that happened literally under my nose, there is always that thought in the back of my mind that she knew what was going on and let it happen anyway. Anyway, that is where I am at.

ecomama · ‎15-10-2020

HI MP

It sounds like you've made incredible progress with the support of your psych.

I'm very very happy for you.

Yeah tricky one about telling your mum... always would be for anyone I guess.
If you want to add some Helpline numbers at the bottom of the letter then she could call someone and talk it through if she needs to.

But I imagine she would have questions, probably lots of them. These may be hard to navigate for you IDK?

My daughters disclosed years of abuse (I was at work or they were in different places when it happened) and I was horrified. All I wanted to do was wrap them up in cotton wool and protect them forever. Even the adult one.

I asked the adult one lots of questions and I think she was just so relieved that I was loving her through it all that she talked and talked.
Younger one, I ask no questions at all under psychologists' recommendations but I did say many other things to her like I would always be here if she ever wanted to talk about any of it.

I'm very glad to hear your psych has helped you so much. This is a really wonderful thing.

And exactly what we want to hear lol.

Well done you for all your commitment and hard work.

Much love and Blessings in your healing journey!

Let us know how things go if you want to share....

EM