First time disclosing sexual abuse

[MostlySunny]

Hi there

Im new here although I've been visiting for a while. Long story short, I've realised that I'm a victim of sexual abuse and while I thought I'd dealt with it, a recent stressful period (unrelated to the abuse) has resulted in me really struggling. I really don't want to discuss the abuse with doctors etc and the truth is, besides one flash back, I've blocked it all out so I don't want to go digging it all up.

Im also really scared talking to my doctor about it because I don't want to be fobbed off with a prescription and I don't even know how to start the conversation. Some days I'm fine, other days the stress (from things that previously wouldn't worry me too much) is paralysing. I've been unable to stop thinking about what happened to me besides when I'm really busy, so it's a bit of cycle. I'm having trouble sleeping too. I've been like this for about six months and I've been able to get some clarity and I now realise I've struggled with this my whole life but I don't understand why it's come up now and why I can't deal with it on my own like I usually do. I'm in my early thirties with a great family , friends, career etc and I've carried this myself since I was a kid.

Im worried that if I don't seek professional help, I'll end up cracking but I'm also terrified to take the first step. I'm scared that by telling my doctor, somehow other people will find out. I've read various websites and tips for talking to the doctor but I hope that it will go away - whatever 'it' is - on its own. I don't consider myself depressed or anxious etc, but I do know I don't feel like myself a lot of the time.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Thanks for reading.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi MostlySunny,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here.

I'm afraid that you're not going to like what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it anyway because it's important-

Out of all the stories I've read, all the experiences I've gone through and all the people I know; these feelings will never go away until you're able to talk to someone.

It's awful and it's hard and I don't want to take anything away from that, but by opening up this can of worms (bad metaphor) you'll be able to move forward and past what's happened to you.

Trauma reactions can vary widely, but it sounds like that's what you're starting to experience; things like a flashback, trouble sleeping, feeling paralysed at work.. and it's completely normal for these reactions to happen years after the event.

Things aren't meant to be bottled up. But you can deal with this.

If you have a GP that you know I recommend seeing them since a familiar face is often easier to talk to. If you don't though, I still encourage you to see one. You don't need to disclose the abuse in the appointment you can just request to see a psychologist. If a GP is writing a script, be firm and say no. You have that right.

If you do decide to see a psychologist, I will say too that you won't be expected to do or say anything. Seeing someone is always the first step, but the rest is up to you.

I'm also not sure why you think other people will find out. Everything that happens between you and a GP or you and a psychologist is strictly confidential, with the only exception being if you or someone else was in danger.

I hope that this isn't too unwelcoming and harsh! I really am glad that you're here. I just want to help and push you a little so that you don't have to experience these feelings long term hoping that they'll go away. I can see that you're strong enough to do this because you're strong enough to come here.

[Guest_9809]

Hi MostlySunny and I add my welcome to that of Romantic's. I agree with what Romantic has said to you. She has provided some really good advise here, which I hope you will seriously consider.

So I wont go over what Romantic has already said. But I will give you my own perspective on things, as a fellow trauma victim.

My own (one off) trauma occurred to me as an adult. I never told anybody about it, never sought medical assistance of any type, and have still never reported the crime that was committed against me. I shut myself down and tried my best to forget about it, pretend it never happened, block it from my memory.

I was never successful in achieving any of those things. And as the years progressed, my symptoms became worse. It is not unusal for PTSD to develop some considerable time after the actual trauma which first triggered it. It may lie 'dormant' for a time, but once PTSD has developed, it lies beneath the surface and re-emerges when our defences are down. It can be triggered by highly stressful events in our lives, and not necesssarily events related to the original trauma.

I never thought I would ever seek help from a psych either, but I eventually did through sheer desperation. I was really lucky and got a particularly good clinical psych, one that I clicked with immediately. Over time I got to trust and respect her and after about 2 years of seeing her for other related things, the story of my trauma finally came out and I was officially tested and diagnosed with PTSD.

I still have not told anybody, other than my psych, about what happened to me. Other than my own thread here on BB - but that's a little different because its done anonymously. My GP knows I suffer from PTSD, but not what caused it, and that makes appointments with him so much easier for me.

I understand your reluctance to discuss highly personal and distressing issues. But I think, as Romantic says, it is very important to get that 'poison' out of your system by talking to someone about it.

Psychologists are bound by confidentiality rules and things you say in session will not be found out by anybody else. I agree with you in that I dont want anyone else to know about my trauma, as I dont want people to look at me with pity or judgement. But I do believe that once PTSD has developed, we need help to learn methods to help us cope. Please begin by seeing your GP, asking for a mental health care plan and a referral to a clinical psychologist.

Taurus

[geoff]

hello MostlySunny, there can never be any comfort knowing that this terrible experience actually happened, because unfortunately it's certainly not anything that you can just forget about because thoughts and memories will happen at the most inconvenient times.
I couldn't agree anymore than what Romantic_thi3f has said, and although it maybe easy to block out 95%, it's that 5% which can come back to annoy you, and that's where the problem begins.
Keeping yourself busy is only procrastinating, because eventually you'll become so tired where you will need to have a rest, whether it's for an hour or perhaps a day,those thoughts are following you around, and if you don't want to talk to your doctor, then don't, just say that you have some private issues that you need to sort out with a therapist/psychologist, they should respect this, but I would suggest seeing a female psychologist, that may make it easier for you.
We don't want to see you struggle any longer because these thoughts that keep reoccurring are caused by PTSD, although I'm not qualified to say, but they will control your life for a long time unless you get some help.
Just remember there are a lot of us who never believed we needed any help, and felt as though we could overcome our problems by ourselves, but all it needs is that 5% to keep hanging around to continually bring back those memories we hate so much. Geoff. x

[Tripletail]

Hi Geoff and Mostly Sunny.

As Geoff has just said, i can vouch that the fear or reminders will and do come back..

Ptsd is like a dormant fear that will at some time come back to life.

My fears took decades to come back.

You don't need or have to live like that.

By speaking and trusting someone with your ptsd you are actually facing the fears it has caused.

I see an older female pychologist.

If i didn't like her , i wouldn't tell her my story..

Yet it is liberating to see and understand the effect ptsd has had on ones inner self..

Take care

TT

[startingnew]

HI Tripletails

welcome to the forums

i too am a victim of months of sexual abuse that has scarred me and am recieving help for.

i do understand what ptsd does to you and how these things stick around mentally as well as physically.

as others here have suggested i really reccomend you see your gp and get some more one-one support. from here they can also give you a mental health care plan so you can get the ball rolling

you are NOT obliged to tell your whole story to the psychologist but the more you tell the more they can help you with.

it is a very slow process. im still very much struggling with my ptsd and ive only jsut started getting help myself for it after hiding it for a few years.

your also able to get trauma specific counselling and if you check out victims of crime you may be elidgable for some free trauma specific cousnelling for free. i applied and have been granted 20 free sessions so thats also another option for you

please feel free to tell your story here as well- only if you comfortable- no pressure whatesoever

[thecrypt]

Hi Mostly Sunny, there have been some very helpful replies to you so far but if I could just add one thing. Please make sure the psychologist you choose is specifically trained to deal with childhood sexual abuse. My daughter was abused and I had a number of appointments with a psychologist that had no experience and she was useless in helping me.

I don't wish to pry but my daughter was 4 when she was abused for over 9 months by her father. She is now 11 and I live in hope that she doesn't remember. Your story however brings up my concerns that she will recall it in the future. How old were you when you started getting flashback?

I understand if you don't wish to go into it, maybe another reader could offer some info or advice on what could possibly happen?

[Rayven]

Hi the crypt, I’m very nervous replying as I only joined up a few hours ago and have just been reading stories and advice but too afraid to comment. However I saw your question to Mostly Sunny and felt that I needed to respond to you regarding your daughter.

I was 4 years old when my sexual abuse started, I only know my age because of the house we were living in at the time. Some of my earliest memories and feelings relate to this time so I guess what I am trying to say is that there is every possibility your daughter will as she grows have memories of her abuse although they could be jumbled. I never had flashbacks, just small memories although I have always had a gut wrenching reaction to the smell of beer on men. The fact that she has your love and support will aid in her healing if she in fact does recall any events but please if she does or she asks questions always be truthful, kind and never dismiss what she needs to know.

Hope this helps.