First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

[New_Moon]

Hello.. I've visited this site several times over the past few years, wanting to join, wanting to feel the relief of connection that shared suffering can bring, longing for an anonymous voice that could blurt out all my woes and worries to an anonymous ear. But each time I stopped myself. Compared to some of the posts I read, my situation and my feelings seemed so normal. I was just being a wimp or a drama queen, and my depression would surely wane as it always has in the past. I can cope. I will self-help myself out of this limbo life somehow.

This morning, as I lay in bed crying again and knowing that I would probably spend another lost day not doing anything, not seeing anyone and not moving far from my bed and laptop, I at last realized that I'm not coping and that maybe it's time to seek help from others.

It's been over three months since I've had energy to do anything. I've just scored 'High"on the Q10, and been advised to see my GP. I don't have one, and even if I did, the motivation to get to them just isn't there. I used to do regular gardening and send myself to sleep with hypnotherapy recordings every night, now I just lay in bed, addicted to the cyberspace screen and staying cocooned from the real world. I do volunteer work one day a week. It's the only day I venture out and pretend to be OK. It's a real effort. I feel as though I am waiting to die, and some days I am really impatient for him to arrive and take me.

There are of course life experiences that have led me to this state, but my stories are not unique. My prolonged inability to steer my thoughts and body into healthier directions is what worries me. I'm not used to asking for help, but if someone can reassure me that 'this too shall pass' I'd be really grateful.

[The_Abyss]

Welcome New Moon, and congratulations on making that first step to reach out.

I have only been with this site a few days, but I have already found immense support, caring and knowledge here. I have had others offer support through my post, but I have also found immense support through reading other stories and struggles. Your stories may not be unique, but they are what are currently impacting on you and preventing you from moving forward. You would be amazed at how liberating it is to share those stories, or to let people in just a crack.

One of the support numbers given to me is the "suicide callback service" number 1300659467 . Their website is also well worth checking out: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

It's easy to let the misery overwhelm you. You may have knowledge of all the strategies in the world, but when you are feeling this low, it's just too hard to access them. Reading about the way others have survived and the techniques they have used help, but ultimately you just need to be heard. Be assured you have been "heard" here, but do yourself a favour and also call one of the helplines.

You have taken the first step, and that is huge. Baby steps from here.

[New_Moon]

Thanks for your welcome. I did think of calling the helpline this morning, but the idea of talking and trying to make sense to someone seems too hard right now. Having second thoughts even about posting. There's always a voice in my head accusing me of self-pity...is that common?

I've spent all day reading through others'posts. Lots of inspiration at the sheer bravery of some people to live through/with some of their traumas.

I realize that I'm supposed to share my story too, but I'm just not sure where to begin. In my early twenties I was beaten and raped by my husband. During the assault, I suddenly became totally numb. I was still fully conscious, yet I felt nothing. No physical sensation at all. I laid there and calmly watched him as he continued to hit and punch me. The next day I took our one year old daughter and flew home to the city where my family lived. My mother was shocked at the facial injuries and bruises, but my father, a good catholic, told me that "you've made your bed, now you have to lie in it".

I did return to my husband for a short time, but soon after moved back to the city and away from him for good. I felt nothing towards him. No anger, no love, nothing. I was more preoccupied with the strange experience of disassociation I had undergone during the attack, rather than the attack itself.

I relate this episode because, five years ago the sudden death of my beloved partner sent me into a long lasting and deep depression, where so many old, unexpressed and painful feelings were hiding. I had never felt so utterly alone and abandoned before, and my grieving seemed, still seems to be more about my father than my partner. I thought I had waded though all the gunk of grief and anger and was doing really well for a year or so, but then, ever since December I've been struggling in a whole new kind of lethargic swamp. I've always been independent, strong and capable, always the supportive one, the responsible one. Now it's a constant daily struggle to do even the most basic daily chores and tasks.

Compound this with an adult child with addiction issues, my own geographical/social isolation and financial hardship and you may get some idea of where I am mentally.

I did try to kill myself once in my late teens, but it resulted in a five day long coma and another (very unpleasant) altered state of consciousness. I may have death wishes, but I don't think I'm a suicide risk, so please don't worry.

Wellness and thanks for being here.

[pawsy]

Hi New Moon and welcome.

Oh, you do sound sad and worried. I’m glad you have posted because for sure folks in here will listen to you, and understand, and offer help. It doesn't sound to me as though you are being a drama queen at all. It sounds as though you have not got support to find your way into a connected and meaningful world. And if there is no support, and you are depressed. That is a really hard situation.

I can relate to a lot of what you write. I also recently decided that lying in bed with my lap top feeling worthless, hopeless and sad, is too hard to sustain. I posted in here and one kind person suggested I make an appointment with a GP and take along the first post i wrote, to help explain my situation. I did. The GP was good. She listened, prescribed some medication, and referred me to a psychologist. I have now had two sessions with the psych.
I really like his approach. I am not at all sure how I am going to untangle myself from the isolated situation I have gotten into … But I feel a thousand times more hopeful than i did six weeks ago. Just sharing my feelings has been a massive relief. So ... I guess I am not quite in a position to say to you, ‘this too will pass’ ... ‘cause i am still in the midst. BUT i strongly believe that it may. And I would be happy in the meantime to trade woes and worries with you as we bumble along.

Hope you will post again, and share more of your situation.

best wishes from Pawsy

[New_Moon]

Thanks Pawsy. I've had two very kind responses to my initial post and both have set me off into a torrent of tears. Not sure if I cry from relief that someone cares and understands, or that I'm using the validation that your understanding offers me to indulge even more in self pity. Probably both.

Great suggestion to take my post to a GP. Might try that, but I am not liking the sound of taking meds and am not sure how far I'd have to travel to see a good psychologist. There's a part of me which rebels at the idea of seeking outside help,

In the past I've always treated my depressions as a natural sign of healing, or as some necessary psychological cleansing and change trying to happen. I've always managed to find some positive shift come out of them, but this time I feel really stuck. Guess I hoped that talking to you guys would set the ball rolling, and maybe that's what my crying is about when I read your responses. Maybe the emotional ball is starting to move. So thanks for being my virtual friends/ psychic bowlers.

Wellness and gratitude.

[Lake_meadows]

New moon welcome. I had never been on here before either . But let me tell you last place Id thought I would be. Yes we all have a tale yes there is somebody worse off but what you feel is real . If you have scored high on the q10 see your gp or like i dod blagged it 24hrs later i was icu for 4 days.

I know it is the worst feeling but there is no shame in getting help. At 51 told I had bpd im out of the family home living alone in a caravan. Ha romantict notion some may think well not no pets or wife to talk to cyber space wont make things any clearer its like anything else turn it off and you where?

Iam fighting every day to just not do anything silly to het help and be better. I hate where Im living and hate being without my wife az well as comig to terms with bpd. But at least now I know what im up against. I know its not eas but see your gp mean time call bb or life line talk to somrbody please. Hang in there.

[Croix]

Dear New Moon~

As you can see from the people that have replied to you already your situation strikes a chord, there have been many, me included, for whom depression has been a deep pit that one cannot get out of alone. The operative word here is alone.

Trying to soldier on alone, retreating and thinking all the unhelpful damaging thoughts is a symptom of the illness. I blamed myself, thought I was a burden and useless, overwhelmed, no motivation - doubt. All was my depression thinking for me.

You have already taken the first step towards a better life by posting here - and the second by interacting here (Dottie & Abyss). Physically they are easy - though a vital thing to do, just hard mentally to get started.

The next step is hard both physically and mentally. Going to see a GP. It is something you can do, just seems overwhelming before you start.

May I suggest when you go you book a long consultation. Also for me at least, writing everything down first and sharing the paper made it possible - I did not think I'd be capable of setting everything out in the doctor's room unprompted. At a pinch you could use this page printed out as Pawsy suggests (a great cute picture:)

Everything includes the past, present, what's happening to you, how you feel. It includes the frightening and the embarrassing, they can be important.

Ask to be tested for depression and anxiety and see what happens. Also talk about practical difficulties such as ability to travel to particular professionals.

Thinks will improve. I see no trace of self-pity, just the struggle to be well. Being told you had a broken leg would just be a fact, same with depression. Both come with limitations and modified behavior. Doubt of self is one - crying is another (me included).

While you say you get out to volunteer you don't say that much else about your circumstances - do you have family, do you live alone? Is there anyone you can talk to who might understand and support you? I found such help was a real boon

Please talk again, there are lots who understand and care

Croix

[New_Moon]

Thanks to you all - to Abyss, pawsy, Lake meadows and Croix...feeling a bit nagged about the GP visit but figure that the same part of me that bought me to BB, must also want me to take the advice that you all offer. I'll see about making an appointment tomorrow. Promise.

In brief, my particular scenario for depression seems to have a common underlying theme of feeling unsupported during my times of need. It's funny, but I used to be a 'Support Teacher Learning Difficulties', and have always played the strong, capable role in relationships. Anyway there has been a suicide attempt in the past, been raped and beaten, and now have an adult child with addiction issues. Have financial problems of course, but who doesn't. Am recovering from the death of my partner 5 years ago, and as he was the only person I had ever known who Ioved me without needing me in any way...well the loss was hard to adjust to but I thought I doing OK. I live alone, a long way from family, and have few friends. The friends I do have are younger and are struggling with their own issues, so I listen to and support them as much as I can.

I'm an independent, proud and stubborn idiot really. Time I learnt to ask for help. And even maybe get some.

Can't believe the incredible generosity of time, spirit and wisdom you people dole out on strangers like me! It's really effective - Virtual group therapy.

Wellness and Gratitude

[Croix]

Dear New Moon~

Thank you for your thanks, not everyone takes the trouble, so it's appreciated.

I guess I should feel guilty about nagging, but I don't. Instead I feel pleased it struck a chord. I meant it when I said I could not have done it by myself, and that included my going to the doctor - my wife nagged me into it:) I'm awfully glad she did.

I'm pretty good now, so "this to shall pass". It did for me and I was a total suicidal mess with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Now I cope, live a mostly normal life with activity, energy, interests, accomplishment, loved and loving.

Being in need and by yourself -no support - is a terrible thing. You have people here. Not a physical presence true , but experience, care, understanding nevertheless.

I've been very surprised, both in "real life" and on the Forum how some who are young can give wisdom and support whilst needing and receiving it themselves - if given an opening.

Independence, stubbornness and pride are all needed -and no you are not an idiot, you are a human in difficulties. The strength you have shown others is not a sham, it is part of you.

I hope you post again and say how you went. If you falter think of all of us having had the same experience.

Croix

[pawsy]

Hi New Moon (love your name btw, a kind of hope lives inside it)

You may be proud and stubborn, but you also sound wise and compassionate. And that is a whole lot of living you have done and endured (and are still doing, no doubt). I too struggle with 'support'. I hate to imagine myself a burden and I dont want to be too tangled up in other people's lives, since I need lots of alone-time to feel sane and peaceful. So I stubbornly persist in doing things myself, to the point where I have become very isolated. So .. for me too, the question is: how to have help, how to have support?

I wont nag, but I guess we all say: 'see the GP', because we have found relief from our debilitation by doing so. Help is out there. Forreals. That said, I think there is much comfort and learning to be had right here on the forum. If youre happy to keep sharing, we will keep sharing with you!

It's Monday morning. I have easter buns and coffee, and i'm wishing you well for the week ahead.

best wishes from pawsy