first post - childhood trauma

[another_Francis]

I was just wondering if anyone here went through major traumatic events between two and three. Followed by everyone pretending things didn't happen.

Because of this, I have never known about life without trauma. All my trauma memories are dreams. Sometimes, I can remember them through art I make. A lot of the times I experience trauma through the way I think, feel, see, and be. I am almost fifty and have made it through (luckily). Something will trigger me off and I will be unable to function, or think clearly, or know anything, really. I have learnt it is when the traumatised child inside comes out and wants to be recognised.

I think it is pretty bad when your family blame you for acting like a traumatised person. To me, they were lying to me about who I am. I know they didn't know better, but I have to draw a line in the sand. Even now they don't want to know.

If the outside world doesn't recognise, or believe you, how can you recognise, or believe yourself?

I have had such a hard time finding a health professional who knows how to deal with someone with me. When their therapy doesn't work I feel like it is my fault. After seeing about eight or ten people I found a therapist who is ok, but even that person admitted knowing little about really young children, trauma and its effects. At least he believes me. My partner does too, but that's about it.

I get so dysfunctional at times I can't navigate the world. It tires me out less nowadays because I don't fight it. I have to accept the inability to do much. Well I am trying to accept it. At times, I feel I am burden to my partner, but she is brilliant. Even so I hate it being dysfunctional, and then again knowing at those times I am honouring the near death experience scarred child within. My therapist says just go to bed. Sometimes I go down a hole like Alice in Wonderland, but it is an empty void. I say to my partner, can you come to bed and lie next to me because I'm scared, and she does and we lie there in silence and hold hands. There are no words to explain it. Sometimes I go so far deep down inside myself no one can reach me.

Anyway ... getting stuff off my chest

[white knight]

Hi another Francis

Thanks for sharing.

I haven't had trauma at such a young age, however I did experience a trauma at 12yo when my brother nearly drowned in our back yard pool. He was 15yo and having a diabetic fit in the pool. Anyway I didn't speak for 3 months.

Fast track to 2009 age 53 and it all came out in a visit to my psychiatrist. He was waiting for me to blurt out this trauma that I'd almost forgot about. That inner event was responsible for my dysthymia a low mood depression. I also have bipolar type 2.

So, these traumatic events do shape your mental health. The denial by some has to be ignored and you and your partner have to battle on together through this without their help. It's a shame but that's how many people are. We are well aware of people's lack of empathy with mental illness. You can read some of it here (google it ) "Topic: they just wont understand-why?- beyondblue"

Good luck

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hello another Francis

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting too!

I have had mental trauma at the same early age and I do understand your pain and the internalizing that comes with it. Between birth and 3 years of age are the formative years....we are like a sponge and soak everything up that we have in our environment...good and bad..The trauma you went through laid the foundations that you grew up upon, or like Tony WK mentioned these events shape our mental health in years to come.

Like yourself I have people that are in denial about my trauma. I have had to walk away from the people that havent believed in me when I needed them to.

Thankyou helping other people too by posting an important yet sad topic.

My Kind Wishes to you

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi another Francis. I understand where you're coming from with regards to past experiences returning in a type of dream. Some mums will pass it off as a nightmare. I was abused in the worst way possible as a child. During the day some of it I could remember. I got to the point where I would make excuses not to go to bed because of the so-called nightmares I was experiencing. I don't know which is worse, adults trying to tell you it's just a 'bad dream', or adults - again telling you you're making up lies for attention. I think once you accept the bad experience did happen, and, with the help of a good therapist you are able to work through it. You do come out better than the people who've been telling you it's just a bad dream. Sometimes the people who we're supposed to love and trust think they're helping us, when in fact they're doing more damage by pretending it's just a 'bad dream'. No matter how painful the memories are once you accept that they are memories, and can no longer hurt you (this can take years), but once you get to this point, you can then move on, and either stay away from those who hurt you, or if you do have to have contact, make it minimal, and at your pace. The person who hurt me, to me, is no longer valid in my life. I'm better than the person who hurt me. Through therapy I learnt to say that every day.

I am healed.

Lynda

[Starwolf]

Hi Francis and welcome to the forums. Well done for getting things off your chest, a brave decision.

I agree that early childhood trauma has a major impact on the rest of our lives. Because not accessible to memory, I believe that it affects us in a more insidious way than the negative experiences we can remember. Unlike the conscious mind, our subconscious never forgets a thing. Dreams and art are the way it speaks to us. Knowing the details may be of little importance in the long run.

I was an unwanted child before I was born. My mother resented me and made this very clear, although appearances were carefully kept up. To her, I was a ball and chain around her ankle and I was beaten regularly. I'm not sure if violence also happened in early childhood but early photos all show a disturbingly sullen child. Both parents were into photography so there were a number of them. For my traditional 1 year old photos, a professional apparently tried for over an hour to elicit a smile. Those mugshots show a stubborn, gloomy face with lips tightly pinched together into a thin line. Even if actual violence only came later, these photos revealed that something hidden was at work at this early stage. Children are perceptive. My mother's feelings may have been enough to cause this disturbing collection of portraits of a baby/toddler who just couldn't smile. Of course, it was all blamed on my flawed personality...although things to come told a different story.

The "don't want to know " attitude is not uncommon. Lack of definite memories makes it easier to pretend they never happened. Some people have the knack of denying the obvious, even if it is in their face, never mind what is intangible. Tony is right, there's a stigma attached to mental unrest, so people find it easier to pretend it doesn't exist.Thankfully, you have a caring and understanding partner. She's a treasure and you are a lucky, privileged man. And yes, art is a terrific outlet.

As for feeling guilt, please remember that none of this is your fault. You are the victim here. Mental/emotional issues are an illness, not weakness of character. Be kind to yourself, you deserve appreciation and respect.

Thank you for sharing your story. This is a safe place to vent your feelings without fear of being judged and misunderstood. Your contribution is much appreciated.

I wish you all the best.

[loouuiiee]

I really feel for you.

im unsure if I ever experienced trauma that early in life but all my earliest memories (they are from when I was 3 and a half to 4 years of age) are traumatic ones.

you are strong to get this far in your journey & I am glad that you have a partner who not only believes you, but loves and supports you also 🙂

Best wishes xx

[blondguy]

Hi Francis

I thought Id see how you were going. I hope you are okay. There are many kind people here that care..Paul