Finding myself

[EventuallyMe]

I've had a lifetime of struggles and I'm still struggling with the aftermath of how people have treated me. Growing up I was the oldest of many siblings in which we had a abusive farther and a abused mother. My farther physically, mentally, and sexually abused me up until the age of 15 until I had finally had enough. He physically and mentally abused my siblings. I spent my childhood confused and hurt and now from my recent understanding I had autism. I did everything I could and took as much as his rage from my siblings I've done, been through and seen things that the average person don't understand. I've had 2 siblings go through cancer. A mother that's incapable of not only looking after herself let alone anyone else. I had a child young for which I found out my ex purposely pregnated me so I wouldnt leave. For which he turned into my farther and mentally, physically and sexually abused me aswell. Until I finally couldn't take it anymore just over 2 years ago and disconnected and shut down for which I finally walked away. I've not cone to the understanding I have autism cptsd, ocd, anxiety, severe depression. I've entered a new relationship for which I now no that my trauma from the past is effectively rising up. I have bouts of crying all the time. I struggle with communication, eye contact. Over explain and talking but to softly. People pleasing issues. Emotionally intense. Severe inner personal critic, abandonment issues and the list goes on and on. It would be great to find people who lived similar situations to provide how they have overcome even some of these things and how? I'm scared alot, I get triggered regularly and there is next to no support available just wait lists everywhere. I'd like to feel safe to discuss the things I went through is this the place or is there advice on where I can speak my truth to maybe get it off my chest and relieve some of this pressure cooker thoughts so I can see if that may free me even just a little. I've struggled with sharing as the experiences I went through I can't find people who actually understand without crying. Thankyou. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi  EventuallyMe,  

We’re so sorry to hear about what you've been through, you show remarkable strength in being able to share and we thank you for sharing this here.  It sounds like you have been through a lot, and we can imagine how difficult this would be. Please know that the forums and our lovely community are here for you.

You mention wanting to speak your truth and get some support for this, it's great to reach out and we understand how hard this can be with waitlists as you said. A good first step can be to speak to your GP, they often have contact with other organisations who can provide immediate help depending on your needs. In the meantime, please know that there is always someone to listen, you are not alone with these feelings.

It sounds like it would be worth reaching out to our lovely counsellors, on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat. It can make a real difference having someone to talk to especially in moments of distress. Another good option is talking to our friends over at Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEDT). They provide support to people who’ve experienced trauma or abuse in childhood. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.    

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. We hope one of our community members spots your post shortly and can share some kind words.

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[mmMekitty]

Hello EventuallyMe. 

You certainly have had to cope with a lot in your life. 

Sophie M has offered good advice.

While I was waiting to see someone I had done a lot of writing. I wrote everything down in large notebooks, all the experiences, feelings & thoughts I had when I was a child & what I was feeling as an adult too. & I painted, too. While I had nobody I felt I could trust to talk to, these things helped me to stop my mind from repeating everything I was thinking & feeling, so I could maybe get some sleep.

I'd suggest, if you can talk to your GP a little, have them help you find someone & if you have to, stay on the waiting list.

The one problem with writing or doing anything by yourself if that you don't have anyone who can offer any comfort, or advice on a way forward. When I kept everything to myself, I only had myself to hear me & I was unable to give myself what I needed. Doing that takes a lot of learning, care & patience.

You are not alone in things you remember, & what you feel is real & understandable.

How we respond to being abused is our way of trying to protect ourselves. It's natural to want to keep people happy, hoping then they won't hurt us or leave us, It's natural for a child to look up to, to depend on & trust the adults around us, & so it's natural to feel confused when they betray that trust. I can easily imagine how hurt, frightened, angered, sad, lonely, powerless & small you surely felt. While I haven't experienced everything you have, don't have autism or OCD, I have felt these feelings. I didn't want to look at people's faces, for fear of what I'd see. I still don't feel comfortable getting close to people, don't trust easily at all, yet, fear abandonment should I begin to trust someone.

With help, I' am neither shutting down my emotions, nor having such intense emotions anymore. It takes time, patience, learning to care for myself like others hadn't done when I was young.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[EventuallyMe]

Thankyou Sophie M, I'll look into the information you have provided, I have been been to the the GP and I've been placed on many waitlists, I've been on them for 2 years now, I'm currently in a sexual assault and family program but being its only limited to 12 sessions I only have 2 left then will be on my own again. Thankyou for the information will defiantly get in contact with blue knot, just having someone to talk to when I don't have a support system will defiantly do wonders for me at this point. so far its been nice to have the sexual assault team but that's limited only to the sessions which I stretched out to fortnightly which so 1 hour a fortnight. will defiantly contact them asap. thankyou ❤️

[EventuallyMe]

Thankyou mmMkitty, journaling is defiantly something I can give a go, I'm still getting use to the ability to having my own privacy. I find also that finding the trusting others to receive the comfort is a struggle for me. everyone in my life has betrayed or hurt me in some form. meeting new people out of the circle of the last thirty years have shown me that many people have a hard time understanding my trauma triggers and overall personality as I'm like a new-born learning how to live in adult form with delayed social communications skills and i havnt experienced a loving environment and I find  I have high walls and learning to establish boundary's due to not wanting a repeat of the past. I have done a lot of work with the sexual assault and family support group and have approved wonders but I'm scared for the end of the program, I know that I have a lot to work on. Thankyou mmMkitty for your lovely reply, Learning to be the person that I needed when the others hadn't been when I was young is the hardest most rewarding task but we are strong if we can get through the worst we can defiantly learn to love ourselves through growth and healing ❤️ I would love to find a healthy support system with a positive growth mindset. Hugs ❤️

[Priya953]

I'm really sorry to hear about the harrowing experiences you've endured. It's understandable that you're struggling with the aftermath of such traumatic events. Finding support from others who have gone through similar situations could be beneficial for you. While this platform can provide a space to express yourself and receive some guidance, it's important to note that it's not a substitute for professional help. However, there are online communities and support groups tailored explicitly to survivors of abuse and individuals with mental health challenges. These communities can offer a safe space to share your experiences and connect with others who may understand what you've been through.

Additionally, I came across an article on Yourmentalhealthpal.com called “15 Ways On How To Reduce Anxiety Naturally” that might be helpful for you. It provides natural ways to reduce anxiety and may offer some valuable suggestions. You should check out that website. It provides nice information regarding anxiety and depression .

[EventuallyMe]

Thankyou Priya953 I'll have a look into it

[mmMekitty]

Hello EventuallyMe

I'm glad you have had some support from the sexual assault & family support group. Can your GP help you find another group? Would that be of interest to you? 

I was also reading your reply to Sophie M, where you mention being on the waiting lists for two years - I think i'd be getting in touch with them to ensure they know you still are waiting. Let them know, you have not changed your mind or found anyone else to help you, so, yes, you are still wanting help.

Boundaries has been a big issue for me, too. Learning I have a right to set my own boundaries & to expect them to be respected. Deciding there are simply some things I will not put up with from anyone. Too bad for them if they don't like it.

I've been afraid of upsetting people, afraid that they may cause problems for me if I did. That's a risk, but I'm happy to say, it's proven to be a very minor risk.

Learning that people who don't respect my needs & boundaries I can never call my friends.

I'm moving & learning at my own pace. I think this is important, too. If people try to push too much to get me doing things I'm not ready to do, there are going to be problems. At the very least it will become too stressful. The way some people treat me can also trigger memories & feelings from my past. This doesn't mean I have to react as I might have done years ago. I can see what's happening & choose to respond differently. That's what I'm still learning.

I hope some of what I'm saying helps you in your own growth.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[EventuallyMe]

Thankyou for your reply, I totally agree, when I finally said enough is enough yes I shut down emotionally when I left my ex, but I learnt a lot from it. I learnt his threats that hung over me our during our relationship was actually  forms of manipulation to warp my sense of self. I know now that I should not of attempted to be in a relationship and should of healed myself after I left home. but life is like that at times you need to go through experiences to grow and learn. It actually took me to be with my current partner to do a lot of my healing I started healing on my own but I have moved tremendous steps having someone to pick me up on the things that go unnoticed to myself. I realise that I was stuck in survival mode my whole life and unfortunately I kept being pulled and unknowingly choosing situations that was chaos and toxic as that's all I knew and that's what  was comfortable. I now choose me and is with someone who I need to be both there for me when I cant be there for myself and points out where I need to grow and when my brain is spiralling. its not perfect at times and there's times I've let myself down but I'm learning to not be so hard on myself when I do spiral. I've learnt my brain try's to protect me and to listen and see why. its a very tiring process though lol I just wanna sleep a lot especially working through big breakthroughs. I defiantly need to work more on my boundaries. step by step I'm learning where I need to place those and why and next is to hold strong. I'm just getting my voice on simply saying no. thankyou again for your lovely reply mmMekitty, Hugs ❤️

[EventuallyMe]

I forgot to add, in regards to the GP, I make it aware constantly that I'm still here waiting, unfortunately the mental health system is just overwhelmed like crazy where I am situated unless you have a drug or alcohol problem or in a bad current situation which is significant in my area it takes awhile. I've heard of a program in the area that does walk in's and have contacted them, as I'm quite introvert nowadays they said they will see about actually visiting me, thankyou!