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Fighting the feeling of being helpless
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Hello,
I was wondering if someone has experience with this feeling or could share with me what they did.
I have a history of childhood abuse and trauma and started treatment for all sorts of things a while ago, but only recently shared this part of my life that I buried deep inside.
Most of my life I worked hard to get out of the victim role and I achieved a lot and built a family. Life has been crumbling for a while now and it is a regular fight with myself to do the things that are good for me (in the long run) - like going to the psych.
I had a few very difficult weeks lately and a couple of days ago I realised that one of the things that makes me so angry is that I feel helpless again. I don't know why this is happening to me and why I feel the way I feel and I don't think people understand and really want to explain to me what's going on - or they don't know. I am desperate to find my strength again and be independent and confident in my decisions, I never wanted to feel like a victim again and I feel like that now, helpless and not knowing when it's going to end. I get angry that I'm dependent on mess to make me feel better - and that means I have to go to see someone for a script. My problem is that I start pushing people away when I feel that in my eyes they don't want to understand me or help me. I just feel like walking out the door and starting to run again.
Thank you, Yggy x
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Dear Mares,
I came across one of your previous posts today, looking for some info on a treatment that was suggested to me by my psych and I read a little bit about your story. I don't want to reply to the original post. Your post back then was distressed and I was just wanting to ask how you feel nowadays? Are you feeling better? Has your life quality improved? You don't need to share this with me if you don't want to.
Take care, Yggy
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Dear Yggy I don't know if you will read this as I'm way behind in replying & offering support. I sincerely apologise for that
im currently trying to deal with managing my anxiety which I find overwhelming at times. I've isolated myself & spend way too much time alone.
This follows a year of caring for my husband who had relapsed after 4 years with acute leukaemia & needed a bone marrow transplant. He is 43 & was previously so healthy it was a huge shock.
i have worked on many life traumas including child abuse, sexual assault, violent family & my husbands illness. I am currently engaged in a civil case against the priest who abused me & have been to the royal commission.
There are many things about myself I wish were different. I'm a sensitive, trusting yet vulnerable person. I get satisfaction from trying to support others on their journey. I'm no expert but I have great compassion & care for others.
Anyway if you do read this-how are you travelling? Be great to hear back from you.
Hugs, Mares x
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Dear Mares,
thank you for your reply.
I am sorry to hear about your husband, may I ask how he is doing now?
I admire your strength. I am sure often you cannot see it, but I am in awe of the strength people gain in adverse situations.
How is your support during the royal commission? How do you feel telling people about your past? Do you feel like you would be able to close a chapter after this is done?
I'm doing ok. I try to stop comparing myself to the person I was 6 months ago, 12 months ago, 3 years ago. I'm doing ok compared to the beginning of the year. Life is still tough, I had a bad day yesterday, but it is different, I reach out, I have a safety plan, I think I can get through this. The bad days don't get easier but I know that I have places to go or people to talk to when I get stuck. It was not easy to open up to the GP and psych, but I know now what my options are when things get too overwhelming.
Take care, Yggy
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Dear yggy
thanks for replying. I admire your courage & determination. I don't underestimate how tough life can still be for you-yet you've managed to develop a support plan & have places to go & people to see when you need it. You also are living in the present rather than continually comparing yourself to times in the past. I think your doing awesome. But I know your still battling away each day to stay on top.
as for me-sadly but honestly the royal commission was a build up & letdown. All you do is tell your story & that's it. No investigations or advice or referrals. I had to seek out organisations & a legal team myself. It's now over two years & the case is still ongoing. Can't see any change or closure in the near future so I try to keep it at the back of my thoughts.
My husbands journey with leukaemia has resulted in a bone marrow transplant & ongoing treatment. It's not curable but Drs aim for 5 years success rate. Very hard to live knowing it could come back anytime & if it does what would happen because he's already had the end of the road treatment so to speak by way of the transplant. So I guess it's another thing I try & live with in back of my mind.
ive had depression, & battle PTSD & anxiety regularly. I hate waking up with the instant butterflies churning in my stomach, heart racing & trying to slow breathing. My challenge is to try manage the anxiety better as I find it crippling. It isolates me, prevents me from doing things & can lead to days wasted aimlessly at home with so many things I could do but I don't have my anxiety under control yet to do them. I find anxiety precedes depression in my case. It's so overwhelming at times. Like today I've woken very jumpy & anxious & my mother who I don't see often is coming to visit. She is a nervous person in her own way & she copes by continual conversation about all "light" subjects such as the weather, what's on special at shops. So I've woken anxious stressing over finding something to wear & any little silly things that take hold in my thoughts. I think if I could manage the anxiety better I'd live much more peacefully. I see a trauma therapist & a psychiatrist (not often) & they seem to think it's normal given what I've been through that I have anxiety & PTSD. But that doesn't help with my symptoms. I think I need to accept I have scars but I appreciate my beautiful children & that makes me feel better.
I think acceptance of who we are is the key.
How are you doing?
Mares X
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Dear Mares,
it is a shame that you did not receive any support, investigations, advise, reverrals... To be honest it is a disgrace. I am disgusted that you were not protected and supported being the victim. You have done nothing wrong. I hope you will find some closure, so all your hard work "pays off" somehow. I am not sure what that would look like though.
You say you have children? How many do you have? I have two grown-ups and I love them to bits. How are your kids coping with your husband's struggle?
Did you have your depression, PTSD, anxiety diagnosed a long time ago? I know the butterflies feeling - for me it is a rush of adrenaline and I wake up alert. I need some time to calm myself before I can sleep again. Most of my life I just got out of bed and started my day, independent of what time at night it was. I've run out of steam, I am just tired all the time now. I also feel perfectly fine doing nothing all day and avoiding whatever I feel like avoiding. I am pretty bad in guessing why I feel the way I feel. I am not sure if I have a final diagnosis yet, that everyone agrees on, but then - does it really make a difference? I would think that PTSD, depression and anxiety go hand in hand - those are the labels already placed on me. I am still at the beginning and I ask myself questions like "Is this a thought or a feeling". What are feelings? Is it the five senses? Who is the observer? Why can I not find a solution to my problem? Labelling how I feel and discussing whether a behaviour is "normal" distresses me. I still don't understand what is wrong with my behaviours if I don't hurt anyone.
But I am doing ok, thank you. Perhaps not ok, but I think I will be feeling a little better again soon. Yesterday and today were difficult days, something happened that made me feel unsafe and I am trying to stay afloat. My head hurts.
Take care, Yggy
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Dear Yggy
for what it's worth I have also been labelled with anxiety, PTSD & depression.
i was in my mid twenties (I'm now 42) when I attended a psychology class at uni & the issues they were discussing brought a ton of traumatic memories coming back. Largely it was memories of my fathers abuse. But also the fact my sister & I told our mum & we were bed wetting due to fear. What she did rather than believe us was to have us put on antidepressants at age 8. I've never gotten over that one. I then threw myself into work, so hard & long hours simply so I wouldn't have time to think of the past. It worked until roughly 5 yrs ago when my father committed suicide followed by me being assaulted & robbed after being dragged off the street whilst walking home. I left work at that point. Then my husband was diagnosed with leukaemia & I was in early stages of royal commission hearing & initiating a civil case. I still havnt got back to working. I wonder how to explain the 7-8 year gap. Yet I'm so alone& isolated at home everyday that I'm starting to fear going out. Work was great because I was in a senior position, had a reason to get up & could take on a different personality at work. I know it would be best if I got another job but I don't know how to go about it.
i have a 16 yr old daughter in Year 11 & an 11yr old son in Year 6. He will start high school next year-the same year my daughter does the old HSC. They are what keeps me going, gives me a purpose. I'd be lost without them.
Yesterday my daughter & I went for lunch-something I'm ashamed of not initiating before. She cried & told me my pain made her feel responsible for making sure I was ok, and that I hardly ever went out with her, her brother & dad. I started to explain I found it difficult to leave the house at times but she didn't want to know why which made it hard for me to be able to explain my illness to her. I said I would work really hard on going out as a family.
I Struggle with anxiety. it's there the minute I wake up to the time I go to bed. I feel low, hopeless & think I'm a failure. I'm still trying hard to work on that with help of pysch & trauma therapist.
So Yggy in a nutshell I'm trying to manage acute anxiety but havnt got there yet. I wish I was back in a busy high level job that keeps my fears & insecurities at bay. I don't know where to start looking & how to explain big gap in employment.
Anyway that's an abbreviated version of life.
How are you going?
Lve Mares X
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Ps Yggy I just wanted to comment on what you wrote about acoidance behavioral. This is something I really struggle with & understand. When things get on top of us we often tend to avoid people & situations as it's an easy way to escape our painful feelings. I will often avoid doing tasks as anxiety immobilised me but also because I've got into patterns of not taking action-I feel like the anxiety controls me rather than me controlling it. I avoid with excuses as to why I can't get things done, using medication & strategies to avoid all the fears in my head. It can mean days & days of no action, staying at home, knowing there is so much to do but feeling so "stuck" that I can't move forward. I miss the routine of work & the fact it was my main source of confidence. Maybe I should start to look for jobs despite the gap in employment. I say this because initially I thought it would be great being home, going for walks, reading, doing therapy workbooks, having time to relax & learning to meditate. Yet my days are wasting away as I spend endless amounts of time thinking too much & not taking any positive or productive options. I havnt achieved anything by leaving work except my anxiety & isolation has taken over my life & I can't say I achieve anything. This leads to feeling helpless. I need to work hard on getting out of the house, try finding interesting things to do & see it as part of my recovery journey. I can't handle wasted aimless days anymore.
i didn't intend to sound so negative.Apologies. How are you coping?
Mares xx
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Dear Mares,
I am so sorry for not answering earlier. I tried to keep myself busy all day and stayed out of the house. One of the strategies that always used to work but leaves me exhausted.
I am so sorry to read your story. There is so much hurt in there, but you have been so strong all these years! Don't forget you are a survisor, you have children and you care for your husband!
Regarding your work, why do you find it difficult to explain the gap in employment. You had children. Many women take time off to care for their children. So there is not really a gap that you need to explain. My question would be, and I don't know in which field you worked, how can you get up to date with today's technology and what has changed in your industry in the past few years. There are courses you can take if required and you can talk to employment agencies how to increase your chances. Don't give up on yourself so easily. If you have done it before, you can do it again, I am sure of that!
Regarding your anxiety I can understand how you have hidden yourself away, but look at the fact that you have gone out with your daughter for lunch and you have promised to do more with your family. Just try one little baby step at the time and be kind to yourself.
I understand your comment about being immobilised. My psych called it freeze, I do that a lot lately and it scares me when it happens but I feel helpless in fighting it. It feels like a switch is turned in my head.
I will write more tomorrow, but I am really tired now and I need to try and sleep.
Take care, Yggy
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All these labels are popping up around me, PTSD, depression, anxiety, OCD and now bipolar? How can anyone who has known me less than 10 hours put so many labels on me? What if I don't like the person I find out I really am? What if I don't like the world I live in when I see it clearly? Why can I not just be the way I am? Is it wrong to be me? I'm not hurting anyone. I am getting so tired of picking up the pieces in my head, in my heart and trying to focus on my life again. Why is this so hard? I'm starting to believe that I was a happier person before they started poking around in my life, before they put me on medication... Is it too late to turn around?
I am strong and I will be strong enough today and tomorrow and the day after... But every time I lose a bit more energy.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
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