Feeling shattered my husband's porn, alcohol and prostitute addiction.

[Shattered]

I have been married for 24 years, and my husband's addiction to porn, alcohol and recently discovered his addiction to prostitutes. I have had a sexless marriage for 12 years, and my husband has been unemployed for the past 5 years. My husband has numerous DUIs and is on the interlock program and returned from Rehabilitation last year, which was court-ordered. I have spent most of my savings hiring lawyers for his DUI convictions to avoid incarceration. I recently discovered my husband has been seeing prostitutes whilst I was visiting my sick mother. A substantial amount of money disappeared from my bank account. I contacted the bank and found out my husband accessed the account. Upon investigating, I discovered my husband has been to the local Brothel. I am broken-hearted, all these years my husband's excuses for not having sex were poor erection problems, not formally diagnosed. I discovered 12 years ago his porn addiction and last year my husband subconsciously was caught in our CCTV footage mastubating at our front porch. I asked my husband if I could check his timeline for Google Maps, then realised he had been to other brothels.

  I have been faithful to my husband all these years,  I feel betrayed. I confronted my husband initially denied, and he later confessed to adultery. My husband confessed this was his initial visit to the Brothel, and he was not aware he spent 6.5 hours with the Escort. He assured me he did not have intercourse as the prostitute was trying to help with the erection, and they talked for long periods. He then claimed the condom came off, and he failed to recall the events as he was intoxicated. Yet my husband could scan his card and access his PIN every hour, despite being intoxicated!. I requested my husband to be screened for STIs.

I am traumatised, depressed, suffering from insomnia, low self-esteem, and poor appetite. I have taken time off from work to recuperate. I am exhausted.

Over the years, my husband has broken my heart through neglect, yet I loved him with every broken piece. I cannot share the room with my husband anymore, My husband has requested not to take any drastic measures and to concentrate on my self-healing. I have morals, values and neglected my desires to make my husband happy. I am exhausted and do not know how to cope with the resentment and How do I recover from infidelity trauma? 

[therising]

Hi Shattered

My heart goes out to you so, so, so much, as you try to manage and make sense of so many mixed emotions. A sense of betrayal, a sense of anger, a sense of sadness/grief and so much more. Your exhaustion from so much over the years, especially now, is completely understandable.

Self focus is so incredibly important for you right now. Unless you've got kids, it's time to become completely self focused. If you need someone to guide you through such self focus (your thoughts, emotions and even how you're physically feeling all of this) look for a guide. Whether it's a friend, a counselor, a therapist or someone else, knowing how to do a part of your life that you've never done before can require a guide for such uncharted territory.

I've found there's only so much encouragement, pushing or leading that can be done in a relationship in the way of a partner making really important changes for themself, us and the relationship. The question becomes 'When is it time to call it a day?' in the way of being a leader toward such change. When is it time for our partner to take full responsibility for leading themself to change in constructive ways? I've found myself thinking on occasion 'I'm done leading, in the way of positive change in my marriage (it's just so much hard work when it's largely one sided). I'm done leading my husband to become more conscious of the impact of his drinking. I'm done leading us to do more exciting things other than sitting in front of the tv. I'm done trying to lead him to imagine anything other than us 'growing old together''. The list of leadership issues goes on. I've found it's so important to reach a point of thinking 'I'm going to lead myself to change. I'm going to lead myself to feel positive emotions. I'm going to lead myself to love me, instead of hoping I'm loved in more constructive ways by my partner. I'm going to lead myself to forms of development that I can feel as progress'. In a nutshell, self focus. 

It may sound a bit simplistic but I find whatever I meditate on or 100% focus on is what I will feel. If I 100% focus on (for half an hour) all the ways in which I can possibly raise or love myself to life, for half an hour I will feel the positive and inspiring impact of that. On the other hand, if I spend that half hour 100% focusing on a lack of love and raising from another towards me, I will feel the lack as heartbreaking and/or soul destroying. If you were to focus on how hard you've worked over the years in your marriage, I hope you feel a sense of pride through recalling all that hard work. Now that you have yourself to focus on and feel for, finding a solid guide or set of guides/supports could be the first step on this new path, wherever it may lead. Guides come in all shapes and sizes (psychological guides, soulful guides, physical wellbeing guides, financial guides, legal guides etc). They're everywhere. The question becomes 'Which one or which type do I feel now need the most?'. Go with what you feel. Btw, if what comes to mind for you is a little outside the square and surprising, such as something like kickboxing, there may simply be a part of you that's looking for some constructive way to let the rage out. ❤️

[Shattered]

Thank you for your profound guidance. I have been meditating to cultivate mindfulness and improve my mental clarity, and enhance my self-awareness. Thankfully, we do not have any children; that was my husband's decision. My friends usually ask for my guidance, and I have supported my friends, colleagues and family over the years. I have always encouraged empowerment.. My friends and family have shown reciprocity and are very supportive, compassionate and motivating. Thank you for your gratitude, sincerity. 💓

[therising]

A guide for others needs a guide for themself at times, especially when feeling so lost and with no sense of direction. Even a visionary for others needs a seer for themself on occasion, especially when it can feel impossible to see the way forward. And even a light for others needs a light of their own at times, especially when enlightenment is so desperately needed. With you being such an incredible guide, visionary and light for others, it's now your turn to receive what you've given so lovingly and so often.