Feeling Alone

[Hummble]

Hi,

The end of this month will make three years since I had a miscarriage. I lost my little baby when I was 23 years old. I went in for an ultrasound on the 30th of August 2017 and I was told the bleeding was normal and everything was going to be okay. The next day, it wasn't.

My partner didn't want to have the baby but as soon as I saw the heartbeat I knew, I knew I needed this child.

I have never felt so lost, ever since that day I feel like a part of me is still missing.

I tried to end my life 2 years ago and I went into a mental health ward. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I used to and still do have flashbacks and the feeling of when the miscarriage happened.

Even though I am in a loving relationship with my partner, I can't talk to him about it. I just feel like he doesn't want to talk about it. I haven't told any of my friends.

I have this feeling every day of being incomplete and in a way empty but not fully empty. I have this need to be a mother, its a feeling i cannot describe but my partner doesn't want children.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hummble,

Welcome to our friendly online community. We're glad to have you with us. We're so sorry to hear that you've been through so much - these experiences are a lot to cope with and we think you are so strong for coming through them and for having the courage to reach out here tonight. Hopefully a few of our community members will pop by to welcome you over the next few days.

If you do have a friend that you feel you could confide in, we would encourage you to do so if you feel comfortable. If you need some tips on how to bring it up, it might be worth checking out this Beyond Blue resource:

• “Talk about it"” -
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talk-about-it

We hope you know that there is always help available to you. Can we ask if you are currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these feelings and experiences. If you would like help accessing mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Thanks again for reaching out. Please feel free to keep us updated on your journey here, whenever you're feeling up to it.

[S_D]

Hi Hummble,

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. You've been through a lot and it sounds like you've had very little support. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your partner is there any friends or family members who you think you might be able to share some of how you're feeling with?

You sound like a very caring person who would love to have something or someone to care about in a motherly way. The best decision I made this year was to adopt a pet. I can relate to some of the things you've spoken about and have found that having this little life to take care of has made the last few weeks much brighter for me.

I hope in time you do feel you can share with your partner how the experience you had in 2017 has impacted on you. It might be hard to have a conversation at first, maybe you could write them a letter? Even if you never end up giving them the letter perhaps it would help to get some of your feelings down on paper for your own wellbeing.

Also I know there are plenty of wonderful grief and loss counsellors out there who could provide some confidential support. you may be eligible for a government funded care plan through your GP. Thinking of you and hoping each day gets a little easier for you. Please keep reaching out to the forum too, we're all here for you!

[Emmen]

Hello Hummble,

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for telling us your story.

The first thing I want you to know is that the miscarriage wasn't your fault. I don't know if you're still holding on to any self-blame, but if you are, it isn't your fault. Pregnancies fail for reasons we don't know, and perhaps will never know. It's heartbreaking when it happens - we go through our own journey of grieving and hoping that we heal one day.

I wonder if your feelings of loss are made worse by the fact that your partner does not want children. Is it possible that you feel like you've lost the one chance you had at being a mother? I understand that you feel like your partner doesn't want to talk about it, but I feel like you should bring it up with him. He needs to know how much being a mother means to you, and how you're still affected by the loss of your last pregnancy. In turn, you need to know why he doesn't want children. Perhaps both of you can come to a solution that helps you both.

I hope you are still receiving counselling for the PTSD. Apart from that, do confide in your partner, and if possible, close family and friends so that you have a support network available.

Take care, Hummble.

- M

[Hummble]

Thank you all for your replies, they have been warming.

I have tried to speak to my partner but I just couldn't. My family abandoned me when I was in the hospital, my mum starting coming the first few days and then stop. My brother has never been able to understand the mental health issues I have had in the past, he just thinks I make them up. I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends, I don't have that sort of relationship with them.

I did buy a fish, his name is Ron. He's the best pet I could get because I live in an apartment and we can have animals.

I can't watch programs that have miscarriages in them, they make me feel even worse. I just get saddened whenever I see a baby, I envy them.

I had to stop seeing my psych because of financial reason.

I just feel alone.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Hummble, thanks for returning to the Beyond Blue forums. It's great to hear back from you. We're so sorry to hear your family was not there for you whilst you were in hospital, we can imagine this would've felt so upsetting and lonely. Please know that you've come to safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. We’d also welcome you to reach out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.