Fear of returning to work

[Eagle Ray]

Today I approached a place with my resume to ask if they have any volunteer work opportunities. I’ve been out of work for a long time, caring for parents at the end of their lives, trying to study and managing my own health issues. While I was doing the covering letter this morning I could feel myself going into a state of abject terror. I realised how raw and vulnerable I still am following some trauma stuff and that the idea of returning to work even in a voluntary capacity is quite scary.

How have others gone with this? Have you experienced something similar? I was proud of myself that I managed to walk into the place, actually speak to them and hand over the resume. The woman there said it would probably be about 3-6 months before they are taking volunteers, but she would put my letter and resume on file.

Walking in and leaving the building I was consumed with grief for so many things - the loss of loved ones, the loss of my working life and confidence in recent years and the loss of my health. I’m also scared in that I have a disease that progressively destroys the bile ducts in the liver. There is no cure but a medication that can slow the progression. I feel so vulnerable about choosing the right work as too much stress can progress the disease more rapidly. I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful.

Any tips for surviving returning to work terror, especially after going through a traumatic period in life?

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Spl spl

Thank you so much for your wise and insightful thoughts. Yes you are very right, that prioritising my own needs helps others to help me. I was essentially a carer from when I was a very young child, so the way the world worked from that age was me knowing I am completely on my own in the world, but also that I had a parent who needs me to take care of them (because of mental health struggles). It is utterly ingrained in me to not even look at my own needs, and because I didn’t have parents who could respond to my needs (especially emotionally because of their own complex trauma issues) I never expected anyone to. Perhaps a new goal in life can be me learning to help people help me. It’s like I try very hard not to be a problem to anyone.

The day I recently dropped a resume off to a place, I dissociated sitting in the car beforehand. I just left my body because I’ve been through so much, and so when I finally walked into the place, which was really really hard to do, it was like an out of body experience. So thank you for being understanding about having a chronic condition and how difficult it really is. I don’t think I’ve ever quite fit the traditional work model either, even though I’ve really tried to over the years. I’m hoping the NEIS program, if I’m able to do it, will give me some autonomy over managing my own health and needs. I’ve always been drawn to the idea of self-employment and maybe now is the time for it.

Thanks for the suggestion about groups, forums etc. I have joined a forum and a foundation for the autoimmune disease I have. I have definitely got more information and help from these sources than I have from my specialist who briefly sees me every 6 months and writes prescriptions, but that’s it. I also do my own research online looking at current research publications and I’ve learned a lot that way.

Thank you so much and all the very best to you.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Eagle Ray,

You're so welcome.

The NEIS sounds like a great idea and definitely worth a try. I'm really happy for you hearing about your diet and how improvements have changed your health so significantly!

I appreciate you sharing the Cast Away scene. I saw it a long time ago but I rewatched the scene for you, and it's definitely something I can relate to. There's so many times I feel like I'm just surviving. I think also part of my own health, it's such a strong reminder time doesn't stop. When I'm in bed exhausted, I feel really conscious that I'm so lonely in that and other people are working or living their life, and mine feels a little on pause.

One thing to maybe think about though is that whatever Chuck chooses, there isn't a wrong way for him to go. They're just different.

I believe the same with you too; that whether you decide to pursue photography, or work with animals, be in a plant nursery or help kids read; they can all work for you. Life throws us curveballs no matter what we do and we can't avoid them, but you've shown us how resilient you really are. Whenever I think about what I should be doing, my therapist says "Whose voice is that?" and honestly, most of the time it's someone else's.

rt

[Eagle Ray]

Dear rt,

Thank you so much. Yes, that feeling of just surviving is so hard. I feel that if you can find something you love doing it gives you a kind of inspiration energy, so even if health issues are present that hopeful energy counters it. I am feeling some of that energy now as I’m building my business idea, the first time I’ve felt that way in a very long time.

I’m well aware that my business idea may not work, or not turn out the way I initially plan. But you are absolutely right - there is no right or wrong with which path I go down, with the exception of choosing a path I know I don’t want and would be detrimental to my health. I think that’s where listening to my own inner voice matters most.

I relate to the experience you describe of your therapist asking “Who’s voice is that?” Many years ago at uni a student support officer asked me, “What do you want to do when you finish uni?” I answered, “Something helping people”. He then said, “Not helping people, what do you want to do?” It’s like he intuitively read me better than I could read myself. My default is to try and help others no matter how I’m going and I have often failed to consider what I really need. I can still help people but only if I help myself first and foremost - a strange feeling for me because I’ve often been invisible to myself while I’ve been trying to help others my whole life.

Thanks so much again for your support. It gives me strength and hope to have people being so kind and understanding. I hope you too find something you really love doing and that is rewarding and health-giving too 🙏