Fear of returning to work

[Eagle Ray]

Today I approached a place with my resume to ask if they have any volunteer work opportunities. I’ve been out of work for a long time, caring for parents at the end of their lives, trying to study and managing my own health issues. While I was doing the covering letter this morning I could feel myself going into a state of abject terror. I realised how raw and vulnerable I still am following some trauma stuff and that the idea of returning to work even in a voluntary capacity is quite scary.

How have others gone with this? Have you experienced something similar? I was proud of myself that I managed to walk into the place, actually speak to them and hand over the resume. The woman there said it would probably be about 3-6 months before they are taking volunteers, but she would put my letter and resume on file.

Walking in and leaving the building I was consumed with grief for so many things - the loss of loved ones, the loss of my working life and confidence in recent years and the loss of my health. I’m also scared in that I have a disease that progressively destroys the bile ducts in the liver. There is no cure but a medication that can slow the progression. I feel so vulnerable about choosing the right work as too much stress can progress the disease more rapidly. I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful.

Any tips for surviving returning to work terror, especially after going through a traumatic period in life?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Eagle Ray,         

Thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing your experience. 

It takes a lot in making the step to return to work after some time away and it’s great to hear that you acknowledge and give yourself credit for that.  It’s only natural to reflect on the changes this has had upon your life and what this might bring terms of your role, your loved ones and health; you have clearly overcome many obstacles along the way and with lots of self-care and compassion this might just be the start of something special for you. 

Thank you again for sharing. In addition to posting in the forums, we also invite you to call or chat to one of our trained mental health professionals who will also be able to listen and offer care; it’s completely confidential and available 24/7:   To contact us, call 1300 22 4636. To use webchat, Click Here 

Thank you again for joining this community, we hope that you can join other conversations that resonate with you and read about other users and their journey to better mental health. 

Kind regards,  

Sophie M

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Sophie. Yes I might have a chat with someone on the helpline before I approach the next place regarding volunteer work. It’s so scary putting yourself out there when you haven’t for a long time. It’s like I’ve lost my identity as a worker and I felt so shaky going to hand over my resume.

I’ve had a lot of traumatic shocks to my nervous system over a period of time and it’s left me feeling so raw and exposed in the world. You can feel like you want to hide away. But I think volunteer work could be a good way to build some confidence and start to feel part of the world again.

Thanks again 🙏

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Great question, but you've kind of answered it yourself; you survived the work terror going in there and handing off your resume. That was a big deal! So I hope you can give yourself a bit of credit for that and how hard it was.

I have/am going through similar things. I kind of wish I could say 'ta-da' with a happy ending but I'm still going through the motions of applying for work now.

For me, baby steps. You dropped off your resume, you had that conversation, you considered volunteer work, and you survived it. How does it feel to do that again?

Is there a place or a role that you could see yourself in and enjoy? I think if you're drawn to things that you love, you will be in a better place to cope with your stress and can hopefully put some strategies in place.

The other option you could consider is online. I'm helping out here with Beyond Blue, which has really built my confidence and go from looking for volunteer roles to paid roles. But there are a lot of roles out there that are from home, which can be less daunting and really work around your capacity and your mental and physical health. Might be worth having a look.

I hope this helps. I hope you can give yourself a bit of credit for what you've done already, because from experience I know that's not an easy thing to do.

rt

[Banksy92]

Hi Eagle Ray,

I'm so sorry to hear of all the challenges and hardships you have been facing, Supporting your parents and dealing with such a serious health issue would be a huge output for you emotionally and so it is understandable if you don't feel strong as you to put yourself out there again.

It's really positive you have decided to look for a volunteer position. I think this is a great way to give you confidence and purpose without the full pressure of a paid role. What types of volunteer work are you interested in doing?

When I wanted to change industries I had a lot of anxiety and self-doubt which was holding me back from jumping straight in. I found a work from home volunteer role, this took away a lot of my stress because I am in an environment I am comfortable with. This experience also helped me get the job I wanted after some time. I know not everyone can do this, but just to let you know these types of things exist as well, in case that is of interest to you?

I also think just be really gentle and kind to yourself, you are so strong for all you are juggling and should be really proud.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rt,

Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes, having dropped off one resume now it does feel like it will be easier doing it again.

I had my second meeting with a person from the employment agency I’m with two days ago. I mentioned how I’ve had the idea of doing the NEIS program to help set up your own business. She thought this could be a really good idea, especially as doing the program means I can work around my health issues to some extent while doing it. My interest is on developing a photography-related business.

But at the same time, she did suggest the possibility of going on a disability pension. I have been resisting this, but I might have to be realistic as well. Currently the disease I have is progressive with no cure. I’m on a medication that slows the progression which wasn’t working too well last year but seems to be working better in the last couple of months.

That’s wonderful you are helping out with Beyond Blue. Yes, volunteer work is a great way to build confidence and move into paid roles. I feel so wobbly at the moment that volunteering seems a lot less scary than going back into paid work.

I’ve worked with kids before, including kids with special needs, and in customer service roles. But caring-type work can take it out of you when you’re already not well. I really burnt out caring for my parents and was really a carer for my mum from the age of 5 because of the mental health issues she had. So while it can be really rewarding to have caring jobs, and it’s strongly in my nature, I’m aware I have reached a critical point with my health where I have to be careful how much I give of myself.

I hope you are able to find work that you love. I think you are absolutely right, that following what you love and are drawn to is the way to go.

Thanks again 🙏

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so much Banksy.

Volunteer roles I’ve thought about have included working with animals, working in a plant nursery and working in schools helping kids with reading (there is an actual program for this). I’ve worked as an education assistant before, but still cautious about taking on an active paid role when my health is not great. I love plants and animals, and with some trauma stuff in my past I feel drawn to these things which feel healing to me.

I’m really glad you found the volunteer work from home role and that has helped you move into paid work. Yes, it’s important to find ways to reduce stress. I may be able to find something I could do from home which could be good health-wise.

But yes I also need to be gentle and kind to myself. I’ve never been great at this but very slowly learning to. The person I meet at the employment agency I’m with has suggested I should possibly be on a disability pension. I have a strong tendency to want to be independent and not ask for help. It can feel like it’s making your world smaller to go on a disability pension and I can almost feel kind of guilty about the idea, but I do have a fairly serious disease. In the beginning I was told I had a reduced life expectancy. It was quite grim in the beginning, but having accessed info via support groups and organisations it’s not necessarily as bad a prognosis as many are led to believe when they’re initially diagnosed.

So I think it is just dealing with that uncertainty and accepting it, and all I can do is try certain options and see how they work for me. One is the possibility of doing the NEIS program to help start my own business, but I just have to weigh up what it entails and if I’m up to it.

Thanks so much again for your kindness and support 🙏

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Eagle Ray,

I'm so glad it was helpful, and I hear you!

The NEIS sounds like a great idea. Self-employment is perfect when it comes to health issues because you get 1000% flexibility.

I wish you luck if you decide to go to a DSP. I tried and wasn't successful as it's a brutal process. Hopefully you will be successful. If you do get on, you are still able to work or volunteer (<15 hours per week), so this doesn't limit you in that capacity.

I'm glad you are able to find things that you're drawn to that are doable for you. It would kind of be a bummer if you're drawn to being a truck driver without a license! But everything you've mentioned do have volunteering pathways that could suit you and your needs. Maybe mentoring could also be a suitable role? It's generally only a couple of hours a week/fortnight and gives you the caring capacity/school capacity but it's time limited which gives you those boundaries that you'll need for your health.

Perhaps if you could round it down to a couple of places or roles you really like, you could figure out what's going to suit you best.

Holler out if I can help more and I hope you find something that works for you. It's so important to be kind to yourself and take the pressure off if you can.

rt

[Eagle Ray]

Dear rt,

Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful support 🙏

I think I should at least give the NEIS program a go. You have to have a business idea they will accept, so that’s something I’m thinking through now.

With my health issues I’ve improved greatly through undertaking a new diet that has given me a lot more energy and much less brain fog and cognitive confusion. Prior to that, I would have just enough energy to walk 5 minutes to the shops, buy some food and 5 minutes home. I’d then have to collapse in bed for the rest of the day. I was extremely weak. I would get up only to make dinner then collapse again. Since making dietary changes I have transformed. My brain is much clearer and I’ve been able to go for long walks. Current research is showing the autoimmune condition I have may be linked to gut dysbiosis and intestinal permeability, so I feel like I’m on the right track changing my diet. This gives me hope that the NEIS program may be do-able.

The other night the movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks was on. He desperately struggles to stay alive and retain hope after a plane crash leaves him stuck on an island. He finally manages to build a raft that gets him away after 4 years and is rescued by a ship. Returning home he finds his fiancé has married someone else and has a new life. In the last scene he is standing at a crossroads with a map trying to figure out which road to go down.

That feels like my life - a desperate struggle over and over and over again to keep my head above water. Then after surviving multiple extreme challenges I’m thrown more curve balls that threaten to derail me. But I’ve kept looking for solutions to survive. I now feel I’m at that crossroads trying to figure out which way to go.

I think I’m gradually learning to trust my intuition rather than making decisions based on other’s expectations or what I think I “should” be doing. I’ve found it very hard in life to know how to care for myself and have put others’ needs first. I’m slowly learning that not prioritising my own needs is not actually an option if I want to survive into the future.

Mentoring is something that does interest me. I just feel I need to get myself in a place that I can give from to do that. Though I know that kind of thing can be rewarding in itself for both the mentor and receiver of mentorship - it can be helpful and healing for both.

[Spl spl]

Hi Eagle Ray,

I hope you are doing okay, sorry to hear what you have been going through. I think feeling raw and vulnerable is very natural for the circumstances. In my opinion, I see vulnerability as a strength at times. For instance, sharing about yourself could be viewed as an act of vulnerability, but your act of reaching out has allowed others to talk with you and help. Prioritising your needs first helps you, helps others to help you, and can be of help to other people as well. It's good to hear and see that you are learning to live life on your own terms. Sometimes life brings us to a crossroads. In my opinion, you're already taking steps on the path to honouring your own needs and taking care of yourself.

Feeling terror and grief on returning to work is honestly very relatable, as someone else with a chronic condition. I don't fit into the traditional "work mold". It can be difficult to know what I 'should' be doing sometimes. So much of our society is based on the assumption that everybody in such a state of health and wellness, that working a job is no big deal. But really, it can start to feel like a big deal when your own health becomes involved. Things that others might take for granted can suddenly take on very different meanings for you.

For instance, making decisions based on other's expectations. Many people without chronic conditions can do this with less of a consequence to themselves. When circumstances change, it can come as a shock that folowing expectations is not an option anymore. It can feel very surprising to suddenly be on a different path, suddenly making decisions in a whole different way. So, I really empathise with you there.

I don't know if you have done this or not, but are there any Facebook groups, forums, websites or even discord servers of people who have what you have? Or at least, have something similar? I found that talking to people who deal with my same health issues has helped me feel a lot more understood. Maybe reaching out to those places as well would help you?

Take care.