Even Hercules has his Limits

[TillyM14]

Hi Everyone,

Im new to this but really need some support so decided to give it a go . I am currently going through a huge relapse with my Major Depression Disorder. I haven’t been this bad in about a decade. I’m a single parent to two great kids, both of which don’t have relationships with their fathers & that I am responsible for in all shapes & forms. My kids aren’t young, my son is 16 and my Daughter is 23 ( I had her @ 18) . I’ve put them both through good schools, whilst managing to work full time as a Project Manager. I come from a big family who are supportive but that have also been really critical of me most of my life. I left my sons father 13 years ago due to domestic violence, he was in a responsible profession so a lot of ppl questioned the truth of it . 3 years ago , my son started to realise his sexuality & was brutally bullied which ended up being a major contributor to my son attempting to take his own life. He was hospitalised in the mental health ward . It was & still is a something I have to monitor on a day to day basis but at times I cop the brunt of a down day. Last year I had a massive fight with my dad after he unloaded on me that I had ruined his life because of the stress of the situations that my childrens fathers brought to his life , he also told me I was ... repeatedly ( for which he has apologised for) but it was that relentless @ the time that an ambulance was called bc I actually cldnt speak I lay on my floor feeling like I was having a breakdown. Since then my mental health has declined, but as usual I keep going. I feel like I don’t have a choice . However, after recently going through a breakup I’ve hit a wall. I’m struggling to get out of bed , my anxiety is through the roof , I literally have nothing left to give anyone especially myself. I feel like I’m on auto pilot , I’ve stopped cooking dinner , letting the kids order Uber eats at least 4 nights a week, I’ve gone from being the popular life of the party to not wanting to go anywhere. Over all these years, all I heard was “ ur so strong, you’ll get through it “ or God doesn’t give us more than we can handle “ well I’m sorry but I don’t think God expected me to be Hercules’ . I feel so alone. And completely empty & I don’t know how to fix this.
*I do see a Clin Psych, GP & I was under the care of a psychiatrist but am waiting to see a new one. Sorry for the landslide .

[Sophie_M]

Dear TillyM14,

We are pleased you found the strength and courage to post about your sudden, intense struggles. We are a helpful and supportive community, and we thank you for joining us.

We are impressed with your inner strength which continues to give you the ability to proceed through all these complications.

We are saddened that you didn't receive the essential support from your family, the support that we all are taught from childhood to expect from our family. Suddenly having this vital support, whilst in crisis, forceably withdrawn, well, your is understandable to us.

It is good that you are under the care of a medical team to help guide you back toward balance. If you need to talk with a mental health professional, at any time, in order to help you stay grounded, please feel free to call BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 1114. Both services are available all day, every day.

We look forward to the wisdom of our community as they find this thread and start commenting.

Please keep in mind that we are always here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Tilly,

I am so sorry you have had to go through all those struggles. I can really empathise with what you described happened with your father. Following my mother’s death I had someone do that to me. I ended up on the ground, could not breathe or speak and went into severe shock. I had been a carer for my mum including her going through cancer treatment and my dad who had Parkinson’s up until their deaths. I’d just lost 3 friends to suicide and been diagnosed myself with a progressive disease that I was initially given a poor prognosis with. I also have complex trauma from childhood. This person who is an in-law started attacking me and my mother (who’d just died) telling me everything she thought we’d done wrong, and even when I was lying on the side of the road in shock she just kept going and going at me and wouldn’t stop.

What I would say about this behaviour is that it comes from bad feelings in the other person that they are not owning and taking responsibility for. It may even be that your father feels guilt about not being more there for you but instead of owning that he turns it all around onto you. This happened with my mum as well even though I’d been a carer for her since a child. She launched a massive attack on me one day saying she couldn’t get her life together because I wasn’t getting my life together, and that I was even responsible for her osteoarthritis pain! It’s not rational at all and your dad’s behaviour was not rational nor emotionally mature.

You have been through so much and you would have had so much worry with your son. It’s not surprising you are experiencing anxiety. I have found that connecting with wise, kind people helps, people you know you can trust and feel safe with emotionally. Even just keeping in contact with a forum like this can help regulate stressful feelings and emotions. You have done an amazing job to raise your kids and get through the dv situation. Remember you are the normal, strong one, not the people who attack you. Their behaviour is bullying which is always cowardly and underpinned by low self-esteem in them.

After hitting a wall too I can feel the beginning of healing happening now, so I hope you can know things can get better and much more hopeful again. Even just taking things a day at a time, practising small acts of self-care and caring for yourself as you do others. Sending you a giant hug 🤗