Emotional abuse

autumngreen · ‎21-03-2016

Hello, I'm new here so I apologise if I am posting the in the wrong section.

I've been searching the Internet for help and advice and any information I can gather about emotional abuse and just generally need to get this out.

ive been with my husband for 20 years so ther is a lot of back story but I will try to write the main points. My husband is a doctor, a specialist. I have always been the one to do all the initiating, if I don't touch him we don't touch, if I don't talk we remain silent. He has rejected me sexually in the past. He doesn't use my name he will just talk at me, he doesn't try to kiss or touch me, he doesn't recognise/talk about my achievements or accomplishments, he won't say happy birthday to me and if he does give me a card he won't write my name on it, it's like I don't have an identity. When I delivered our kids he wouldn't go to any antenatal or scan appointments and would not hug, kiss or congratulate me when I had the baby..I have had cancer and needed an excision, he complained to me that he needed to take an afternoon off work to allow this to happen. years later he mocked me about it. He's very cold and appears to be in control but is passive aggressive and will often agree to things only to later shout at me. recently, and getting to my question, for years I have taken care of the kids, no help, no family or babysitters. we have 6 kids And u am so busy that I needed to hire a babysitter for two 4 hr mornings per week to help me, not for me, for them. He has encouraged me to get a babysitter yet as soon as I hired her, he told me I am lazy and that I do nothing for the kids. I was hurt by this and asked him why he treats me the way he does and in the space of 15 minutes he told me in his 'I'm a doctor and your a nobody voice' : you have OCD (trust me I do not). you have narcissistic personality disorder, you're just trying to have a go at me, I can have you committed. if I say something he doesn't like, this is what I hear. He denies and deflects everything. As he is a doctor, he thinks he can push me around and label me with disorders. I can't speak or ask him anything about his behaviour toward me without being shouted at. I asked him to help the children pick up toys and he told me I have OCD.

There is so much more than this but I can't write it all. I just need to know what other people think because I can't talk to anybody else about this and I'm starting to feel the west and tear of this.

Thank you.

autumngreen · ‎22-03-2016

Thanks..exactly right, he is very good at turning things around and often it is in the spot..it's absolutely baffling to watch and hear..for example, he will say and do something and literally minutes later he will deny it with such conviction it is amazing but also very creepy. He just honestly thinks whatever he says goes. Financially we aren't rolling in it but we are comfortable as far as I know. I have definitely noticed a trend lately where if a large bill pops up, he seems to find money to cover it - I know he has a seperate business account from the family one..he lies and does whatever he likes with money, I am not consulted about financial decisions and I have to ask to find anything.

i have no family in Australia and his family at all intestate. Sometimes I wld we of this is what makes him feel so comfortable in doing this, the fact that he has nobody to answer to. I could confide in a friend but I feel reluctant because I don't want to burden anybody and I just don't have anybody who is constantly that close..I have friends but nobody I have known for long enough and who is close enough. It's tricky. That's why I came here, I figured this would be a good first step. Thank you again xx

autumngreen · ‎22-03-2016

Thank you..that description of the persons you know sounds very similar to my husband. He is very arrogant and sure of himself and of i ever try to have a discussion with him about anything involving his behaviour he turns it around and tries to make it seem like I am at fault and he is the victim..or he simply denies it full stop. It's so frustrating.

In an ideal world I would leave. I guess in an ideal world this wouldn't be happening..but yes I would like to leave but it is just so complicated and I really need to 'skill up' and think everything through thoroughly. I would love for us to support each other to move forward and be amicable but I know that this is just a pipe dream and he will have a very long period of anger and spitefulness. I have tried to discuss the prospect of us splitting up before and he always responds with "you're just trying to manipulate me" or "people don't just do that". I can't live like this anymore, I just can't.

CMF · ‎22-03-2016

I really feel for you. He is obviously completely clueless as to how you're feeling. He right, people "don't just do that" but you are not "just doing that". You are being mistreated, manipulated and not supported so you have every reason nod right to "do that". DARVOus spot on, like the person I know but he's not as bad as what you are putting up with.

I think you need to explore your options, do your research. Keep in mind the financial support you would receive and if he has his own business child support is calculated differently, you need to know that. How are your children feeling? How is he towards them? How would they feel about it all as I think some of them are old enough to understand.

Your happiness is very important for your sake and your children. You all deserve a happy environment.

Apollo_Black · ‎23-03-2016

Hey autumngreen

The first step is always important. If it's difficult to talk to a friend about this, can you seek profession counsel? I think this should be your next step. You really need to talk to someone about this. If you really want out then you need to seek legal advice too. Also, do you any way of siphoning small amounts of money (over time) for an emergency???

pipsy · ‎23-03-2016

Dear autumn green. I really feel for you, the situation you're in. Does he 'put you down' in front of others, or does he tell them to ignore you because (in his opinion) you're delusional. Narcissist's are excellent at making everyone around them (who don't actually know him), believe they only have their families best interests at heart. They build up such a perfect picture of how great they are, then behind closed doors they spend hours telling wives, children they are useless, a tie etc. Your hubby also has a superiority complex. Because of his job, his position, the 'power' has gone to his head, making him believe he 'knows' everything. There are a lot of people in positions of power who are narcissistic. Finding a lawyer with the knowledge of dealing with narcissism is going to be difficult. Even his own lawyer (unless he's aware of your hubby's personality) will be 'tricked' into believing everything he is told. Can't move forward, suggested your hubby is clueless to your feelings, that's not quite accurate (sorry, can't move forward), he doesn't care about your feelings or anyone else's. His world is built around him and how important he is. Unfortunately, if he decides to have you committed, he will just about succeed because he will convince everyone he has your best interests at heart. Of course, the reality behind that would be, what about the children. Narcissist's seldom think beyond the 'square'. Everything has to be neatly packaged and labelled. He is actually very insecure, but this is a side seldom, if ever, actually acknowledged. He's 'perfect' everything in his life has to be. When you were sick, you weren't perfect, therefore you have no place in his perfect world. He can't handle less than perfect. Do you know or have contact with his family? It's your call to stay or leave, but if you leave, that's it. See a counsellor and discuss your options before you decide.