Emotional abuse

[autumngreen]

Hello, I'm new here so I apologise if I am posting the in the wrong section.

 I've been searching the Internet for help and advice and any information I can gather about emotional abuse and just generally need to get this out. 

 ive been with my husband for 20 years so ther is a lot of back story but I will try to write the main points. My husband is a doctor, a specialist. I have always been the one to do all the initiating, if I don't touch him we don't touch, if I don't talk we remain silent. He has rejected me sexually in the past. He doesn't use my name he will just talk at me, he doesn't try to kiss or touch me, he doesn't recognise/talk about my achievements or accomplishments, he won't say happy birthday to me and if he does give me a card he won't write my name on it, it's like I don't have an identity. When I delivered our kids he wouldn't go to any antenatal or scan appointments and would not hug, kiss or congratulate me when I had the baby..I have had cancer and needed an excision, he complained to me that he needed to take an afternoon off work to allow this to happen. years later he mocked me about it. He's very cold and appears to be in control but is passive aggressive and will often agree to things only to later shout at me. recently, and getting to my question, for years I have taken care of the kids, no help, no family or babysitters. we have 6 kids And u am so busy that I needed to hire a babysitter for two 4 hr mornings per week to help me, not for me, for them. He has encouraged me to get a babysitter yet as soon as I hired her, he told me I am lazy and that I do nothing for the kids. I was hurt by this and asked him why he treats me the way he does and in the space of 15 minutes he told me in his 'I'm a doctor and your a nobody voice' : you have OCD (trust me I do not). you have narcissistic personality disorder, you're just trying to have a go at me, I can have you committed. if I say something he doesn't like, this is what I hear. He denies and deflects everything. As he is a doctor, he thinks he can push me around and label me with disorders. I can't speak or ask him anything about his behaviour toward me without being shouted at. I asked him to help the children pick up toys and he told me I have OCD.

There is so much more than this but I can't write it all. I just need to know what other people think because I can't talk to anybody else about this and I'm starting to feel the west and tear of this. 

Thank you. 

[Zeal]

Hi autumn green,

Welcome to the forum!

I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Your husband definitely mistreats you emotionally and neglects your needs. Refusing to appreciate your many contributions is also unfair. It sounds very much like your husband is the one with issues and insecurities, and possibly even mental illness. Your husband saying you have narcissistic personality disorder is completely off the mark. I know little about this condition, so I googled it. The description actually sounds like the way your husband behaves. I am not a professional, so this is only my own personal judgement. It is likely your husband doesn't have this condition. I just found the description had some similarities with what you've written. Here is the website with the description I read:

http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd

I definitely think you should visit your own doctor and talk about your concerns for both you and your husband's emotional wellbeing. You seriously deserve to have help with this situation. Having six kids is full-on, and not having your husband's support or respect is unfair. Telling him this unfortunately won't achieve anything (as I'm sure you've learned), as it sounds as though this behaviour of his is very much ingrained and second-nature.

Sorry I haven't been able to give more specific or concrete advice. Hopefully others with different life experiences and knowledge will reply too 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[CMF]

Hi,

sorry to hear you are being treated like this. Sounds as though he thinks that he is a specialist, therefore superior.  Has he always been like this? how old are your beautiful children? I'm assuming you are not working at the moment (outside employment)?  When I was home looking after my kids My ex husbands attitude changed. He used to tell me that as I wasn't working, I shouldn't go out and socialise on weekends or evenings, or catch up with friends, that I had all day to do this (my friends had no children and all worked full time)and he no longer helped with anything around the house. If I needed to go shopping or anything he got annoyed if I asked him to look after the kids..

is your husband tired, stressed? How long has he even like this? It's awful that he is trying to label you with conditions you don't have.  I think it's important that you stay healthy and really look after yourself, mentally and physically. Do you have any support network at all? Is it possible he is jealous of you, staying home with kids whilst he works, as my ex was?

hope to hear back

cmf

[geoff]

dear Autumngreen, well he's using his domination by what his qualifications say on a piece of paper, sure he has gone through all his years of studying and practicing as a specialist, but this shouldn't make him 'not do' what he is doing, you leave your work at work and come home as a father and a husband to participate in what has to be done at home.
To even think about having you committed would be a terrible choice for him, because that would be bad decision on his part, and could be facing the doctors board to answer a few questions, but this goes way beyond this as he doesn't want anything to do with you, touch, kiss, cuddle or say some lovely nice words of encouragement, so I'm asking whats the point on staying with this strange person, but firstly I would seek out another doctor, but you will have to be careful because doctor's don't like criticising another doctor, especially your husband.
Raising 6 children is certainly a full time job 24/7 and full on, cooking, cleaning, washing and the rest goes on, so there's never any let up, and to raise them by yourself is extraordinary.
Have your kids said anything to you about his behaviour, because it must be known.
If you were my sister there's only one thing I would tell you and that's to hit the courts and file for divorce, it's never nice to tell someone to do this and I maybe out of line, but to stay married in a relationship like this, if you can call this a relationship is demoralising and pulling you down to where he maybe wants you to be and that's what you need to avoid.
From all you have told us I'm sure there is plenty more that you want to tell us, so please do come and talk back to us. Geoff. x

[autumngreen]

Thank you so much for replying, I am grateful for any insight or advice I can get.

 He has always been this way although I used to do all the initiating and touching and communicating so it often felt like things were ok but if I stopped then there was nothing. he just seems to lack any emotion and he will mock anybody who does show any. He told me early in our relationship that holding hands is a sign of weakness..I was 21 at the time and I looked up to him- I wish I had walked away.

If I try to talk to him about the way he is, even if I am calm and respectful, he shouts at me or he will repeat over and over in a robot-like voice "lies, lies, lies" or "wrong, wrong, wrong" over and over. It's quite scary and weird. Or I will try to express what I feel my short comings are and expect him to join in and talk about his and hopefully have an honest conversation but he just agrees about my shortcomings and then shuts off. He claims that anything he has done wrong is only as a result of my behaviour or something I've done to him..if I ask him about his lack of sexual interest in me he will tell me he is normal and that it's because of me..he labels me and tries to back it up with his authority as a doctor..he isn't remotely qualified in mental health.

My kids range from 7 months up to age 12. I work hard and I love my family. When I've discussed us separating he tells me  "that's not what you do"...or he tells me "we cannot afford to split up" and he threatens me with financial trouble if I leave..he told me if I leave that "I won't be able to sit on my arse and I will be given half the debt". I never have sat on my arse. I feel trapped and hurt and I just want some love and someone to put their arm around me.  

Thank you again for your responses it means a lot to me. 

[autumngreen]

Thank you Geoff, I've read over your reply several times today, you've written everything I've been thinking but in a clearer way that is in my head..for that I am so grateful because it helps me sort out my reasoning..my husbands behaviour and comments do make me doubt myself so much that I often wonder whether he is right and perhaps I have done or behaved in a way to cause him to act this way. It's crazy. 

Thank you so much. 

[autumngreen]

Thank you so much for replying. He has always been this way but seems to be becoming worse. My kids range from 7 months to 12 years. He is definitely using his qualifications as a doctor to label me - he tells me I have certain mental conditions and seems to feel justified simply because he is a doctor despite the fact that he has no training in mental health. It's just heart breaking because I've been through everything I can to try to change this but there's nothing left. I can't do anything else unless he acknowledged his part in this but he simply will not. He won't let me go easily either. It's just so difficult. 

Thanks again for your support x 

[autumngreen]

Hi SM thank your for your reply and your support. Thank you also for looking into and posting the link about narcissistic personality. I agree, it is second nature for him, he doesn't even seem to stop to question himself anymore he just simply is right about everything and he is so self referenced..nobody knows more than him. It is tricky, as you say, to talk to other doctors..you are right they don't feel comfortable discussing other doctors and everybody knows everybody where I live..it shouldn't be this way but it is. I feel that he is also very good a rewriting our 'story' or relationship to suit himself. I know of I tried to leave that he would make it extremely difficult for me and he would be incredibly angry and hostile - his reputation seems to matter far more to him that mine or the children's happiness. 

Thanks again for your support. x 

[Apollo_Black]

Hi autumngreen - I think it's called "DARVO" - Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Basically the perpetrator turns things around to make you feel like you're in the wrong. Your husband has probably gotten quite skilled at this technique over the years. Are you sure you can't find someone to confide in? You need professional support, family, friends and some kind of time to yourself (even with a 7 month old surely there are some options?). I'm sorry I can't help you much here but I just wanted you to know that he is making you feel like you're at fault when it certainly sounds like you aren't. I know how it feels when someone makes you feel that way. When he talks about debt is he telling the truth??

[CMF]

Hi,

sounds like he has many insecurities.. I know someone who is always right and scoffs at others  he treats people his way and if you do it back to him he turns it back on you and verbally attacks you. he cannot take any criticism yet he critisizes everyone and everything. Sometimes I think he is like a spoilt baby, thinks he is so right about everything, but he isn't!

 Do you want to leave him? I think you need to seriously ask yourself this. He is threatening you with financial stress but you may find that he is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.  Being a doctor/specialist he may actually have to fork out a substantial amount (child support etc) and you may get more than you realise, especially if the children are with you.  He can't say for certain you'll get half the debt, he may In fact get the debit plus your legal fees if you win. He may be trying to intimidate you because he knows this and is worried or doesn't want any financial burden.  Even so it is a big decision to make but don't believe what he says, find out for yourself.  Maybe speak to legal aid and Centrelink, don't believe wHat he says, he's not a lawyer.

 you have big decisions to make.  Do your research and remember your health and happiness is more important.  It may take time but you will get back on your feet.  Your children have a beautiful, caring mother and you deserve to be happy and healthy.