Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Whoops, um that wasn’t supposed to be the effect it had on you – ‘making you cry’.  Time for me to employ a different method of responding, me thinks.   Ok ok, though I’m guessing here that they were tears of understanding and not tears of sadness – but then again, who knows.  The cry response can be a good release, so if you’ve been needing to cry, then I guess it’s all a very good thing.  And if your head is spinning in wild confusion and you’re thinking, “What the hell is Neil writing about?”, then it’s all ok, cause I’m wondering that too.

I’ve now gotta ask – is that a hypothetical parrot or is it a real one?  If it’s the latter, then that would be absolutely awesome to have a pet so beautiful and to be so tame that it can sit on your shoulder.

Let’s attack this subject head on.   No one likes me.  I can see a lot of holes in that short sentence straight away.  I like you.  I suspect that there’s a whole helluva lot of other people on this site who also like you.  That’s boosted that number up big time and in a very short space of time.  That’s just in the immediate vicinity.  Then you can go to hubby – he likes you;  though I suspect he may trump that one by saying he loves you.

Now I could wax lyrical a lot more about this, but I hope you are getting my gist.  Baby steps with this one and a great idea to bring it up with your psych.

But it’s something that can attack our minds – when we have our self esteem at a low level, bad thoughts seem to leak in heavily.

To counter that, I think we need to focus big time on our self-esteem – to raise those levels whereby we start to think that we are actually a good and decent person.  Then to go beyond that – the bigger step to actually believe that.  Enter our psych’s I would think on this one.

You have just wrote something that if I was you Yggy, I would type it out again and print it up in a large font:  “I am a really good mentor, trainer and coach …”;  I really loved reading that.

This is what this illness does to us – it affects us so badly in our thinking with regard to ourselves and yes, it is damn upsetting and not fair.

I think I’ll refer back to that new-age Chinese movie, “Enter the Psych”.

Cheers

Neil

[Durras]

I'm enjoying reading these posts as they are helpful in a way making me cry too.

I've decided to post here cause it is under disconnected and that is how I feel with my 15 year old daughter.

She moved in with her dad 5 years ago and I'm happy for her as I wouldn't want to take that option away from her but also the circumstances were I had no other option, I was on Centrelink and my payments got cut so couldn't afford rent anymore so moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) and she moved in with her dad.

Getting back to disconnected, while she was living with me I suffered severe depression and her dad was playing mind games on her telling her things like the child support is hers, telling her that I was with different men that is why I'm not answering my phone which gave her butterflies in her stomach and telling her other things too.

Now she is living with him I feel he is playing her mind worse and she is not noticing being young and I now feel they are both against me, she has played me and my husband like fools telling us things about not being happy living with her dad but has now deciding and thinking to move to Gold Coast with him next year.

I feel I can't speak with her as she will tell her dad everything, I don't know what to say to her anymore, I feel like I am losing my connection with her, I feel like I can't be close to her. I tell her often I love her but then I never know what to say. I feel an emptiness inside me for her and I don't know what it means.

When she rings me or I ring her I never know what to say or discuss with her, I'm lost for words. I feel like a horrible mother for being like this. She is my angel and my world.

Durras

[Guest_2350]

 Dear Neil,

 thank you for being here for me. I cried because your words made sense and they were really nice, but I struggle so much to believe it myself. I keep thinking something along the line of "you stupid cow, you're such a loser, why can you not just see how fortunate you are in life and enjoy it". And this feeling increased every time I challenged a thought - so the thought challenge kind of back fired on me. When I talked to my psych yesterday she pointed out that thinking I am stupid is an unhelpful thought as well - I never even thought of that (how stupid). Looks like I have a long road ahead of me. Baby steps. I will try now to turn the bad thought into a good thought "I'm stupid" - I'm clever" and find evidence why I am clever instead. I found that thinking of reasons why I think a certain way just makes me feel worse and I started thinking of the past and it just got worse. I had a pretty restless night last night, hopefully tonight will be better. Last night I thought, I'm not worth it - and that made me even more upset. So now I am trying to find reasons why I am the opposite: beneficial, helpful, important, meaningful, productive, significant, useful, valuable, worthwhile, worthy. Yes, I looked up the antonyms for worthless. For stupid it is: bright, careful, intelligent, reasonable, sensible, serious, sharp, smart, thoughtful, wise, responsible. For dislike it is: admiration, approval, desire, fondness, friendship,kindness, like, love, respect, sympathy. This should keep me busy all week. I will also have a look at your posts again and again and note some of that down as well. It will probably take a long time before I can believe it. I actually do want to print it, write it and pin it on my wall.

I've seen that little girl once in meditation - it was me at around 5 years old. I keep thinking about her.

The parrot is real and he keeps me in check. He is always with me when I am home. I had him since he was a baby, he is hand rared.

What is the new age Chinese movie "Enter the Psych"? I could not find it when I googled it.

I am also thinking of making a photo board with all the people who love me and a board with places I want to visit and things I want to do. I have heard about making that kind of dream board before, but never took the time to do it. I am thinking of looking at things close by and baby step goals, nothing overwhelming.

How are you feeling? Will you get to the gym before xmas?

Thank you again Neil and a big hug, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Gruffudd, 

 thank you so much for your message!  I like seeing you around the forums as well - you always have great posts! How do you teach yourself? How do you challenge yourself and how do you know what challenge to set that it is not overwhelming? When you talk about re-wording and re-focussing - how do you do that without "feeling like a failure" - sorry that is the way I feel when I do not reach a goal, I do not mean that you are a failure!

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_2350]

Dear Durras,

I am so sorry to hear that you struggle to connect to your daughter. That is very tough. It is difficult when partners split and I always hope that the partners will act in the benefit of the child, like not talking bad about the other parent, but I know that is rarely the truth. I hope that she will eventually understand that you were looking out for her and that you love her so much. 

Is it bad, if she tells her father what you tell her? If you tell her that you love her and that she is your angel and your world - would it matter if she tells her father? Does it matter if you tell her that you will miss her and she tells her father? Think about if it really does matter what she tells her father.

If you feel lost for words when you talk to her, have you thought about making a list of questions? You could start with how are you, how is school, find out who her friends are - and write their names down, find out what music she likes - and write the bands down, find out what she does after school... Think about what you would like to share with her (something you do not mind her sharing with her father) - you cooked a new recipe, you watched a new movie, you heard about something on TV... keep notes of that as well so when you call her you can go through your list. You can even rehearse this ahead of time.

One thing I would like to tell you out of my experience with teenagers. Everything is to their terms. For years I only got grunts back from my son instead of decent answers when I wanted to know how he was - and it hurt so much! So I tried to encourage him to call me when he felt like talking - and I made it a priority to take his call, I took breaks at work, left meetings... just to listen to whatever he wanted to tell me. Please remember that teenagers are struggling with themselves and they might not willingly want to hurt you. They are just very confused.

I hope you stay in touch. Take care, Yggy

[Gruffudd]

Hi there yggy, 

When I am being negative about myself it can't feel much worse, perhaps because my starting point is failure, so there is nothing to loose in reframing it. There is an element of faking it until I make it - but you know, mostly I do feel better for having that little internal argument. I definitely am not as useless as I sometimes think. 

Rob.

[Neil_1]

Hi Durras

I just wanted to let you know that I’ve read your post and really feel for your situation.  It must be so tough, but one thing you didn’t mention a lot of, is your husband.  I do hope that he is a good support to you and is doing his best to help be there for you through this situation.

I really wish I had some more constructive things to say, but I do think that Yggy’s reply to you was an awesome one with lots of good advice and suggestions.

I think as long as you continue to express your love for her and to include her in some of the things you are doing or enjoy – or as Yggy suggested, finding out what she enjoys and talk about that.

Do you get to spend any time with her or are they just phone calls?   Will you be able to see her at Christmas time?

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

The parrot is real.

The movie is fake.

That is awesome you’ve been able to raise a parrot from a baby to be your own pet.  My daughter (15yo) is a massive fan of all animals and would be very jealous of you about this.  She’s just brilliant with her own pets, as we’ve spoken about before.

The movie, “Enter the Psych” is just me being silly – you know the old Bruce Lee movies, “Enter the Dragon”, so I was a little playful with words. 

I’m really pleased that you’ve looked up the anti words for some of the other thoughts you’ve been having – cause this struggle of yours is very real and it’s so very important that it doesn’t become further entrenched.  We need to dig around it and loosen the root growth of the evil and down-thoughts that you’re having.  Snip away at the roots so they don’t delve deeper into your own psyche – snip away at the growth and then hit them with the ‘good-thought brigade’.

You write exceptionally well and express yourself in a great fashion – to say that takes intelligence is an understatement, it goes without saying.  Also through these posts (plus also the many other ones I’ve seen you post to other people on this site) you come across as someone who is definitely intelligent, compassionate, caring, kind, considerate, helpful and very wise.  Yggy … what is to dislike about someone who is this kind of person?  It’s kind of a rhetorical question (I’ve always wanted to ask one of those), but the answer is “Nothing”.  There is nothing to dislike about this kind of person (this person is you).

So yes, keep looking up those opposite words and drum them into your psyche – make it one of those things where if you get told something so often, that eventually it will sink in.  Kick this mongrel dog in the ‘you know what’s’ and send him to the bottom of the garden or to the back of his kennel and while he’s licking his, um for want of a better word, wounds, you can hammer yourself with positives.  With the real person that you are and don’t stop with the positives and if you feel the dog sneaking back in, repeat over again.

I may try for the gym tomorrow or perhaps Boxing Day – I could go Christmas Day, cause it’s a 24/7 gym, but we’ll see.  I’ve now got my extension to my membership, so I’m pretty much all set and raring to go;  but at the same time a bit nervous, as my body is still definitely not 100%

Chat soon

Neil

[Durras]

Hi Neil and to Yggy,

Thank you for your response.

Neil yes my husband is a great support for me and a wonderful man I couldn't imagine my life without him and I know having him in my heart should make me happy enough. ( I have been posting this in different places trying to find different advice and tips and sorry for that to everyone)

I feel like if I talk to much to him about it I will be at risk of loosing him as he will start to feel he cant do enough to make me happy. I want to reach out to him I honestly do but am fearful of it, I think I will wait till the new year and then find a professional to speak with.

In regards to my girl, I do ask her questions how school is, how her weekends were and what did she get up etc etc

The thing with my daughter is I feel and my mind keeps telling me she is like secretly working only for her dad to find out stuff from me and my husband. I know this sounds crazy, stupid and dumb but I have seen it happen with her in the past. He so easily gets control of her mind I KNOW THIS ALL SOUNDS CRAZY

I will have her with me tomorrow and part of Xmas day and Im feeling really nervous, anxious and my stomach is in knots, I can't breath very well and when I think of things I could ask her or talk with her about my mind is empty except for how are you and telling her I love you other then that I have nothing.

I want to be a awesome mum and an amazing wife I'm sick of thinking and feeling this way, I wish I could just snap out of it. Don't know how or where to start.

I know I should take my own advice as I have been giving to others on here, JUST ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Again thank you both for your replies I do appreciate massively and sorry to all for posting my problems where I know many are going through worse then me.

Durras x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

today I just want to wish you and your family a merry Christmas and I would like to thank you especially from the bottom of my heart for all the support you have given me these past few months. I appreciate your support so much and please know that you have helped me so much to start understanding and accepting the black dog and also to start fighting back again. I am so glad I have found this forum and I am so glad I have found you.

 Merry Christmas, Yggy xox