Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

The days are rolling along and 2016 is already 3 days done.  Be it 2016, 2015 or whatever, for us I still reckon that it all just seems to meld into the same – which isn’t a very good thing, but we just have to deal with it, as it is.  I hope that you’ve managed to subdue those ghosts of the past a little.

Dear Durras

We had a short holiday to NZ a couple of years ago and it was beautiful, and I hope that you have a fantastic week away when you head there.

I also like the things you’ve set out for yourself for this year or so far – it’s always a positive thing to have such goals in place;  and more often than not, something that is planned that you’re really looking forward to, can be a huge help.

Kind regards

Neil

[Durras]

Hi Neil,

Thank you for your response, yes I'm looking forward to going towards my goals for this year and taking little steps at a time. I agree it is important to have goals so you know where your going and the feeling of accomplishment and success of achieving them would be amazing. Last year I seemed so lost with what I was doing trying to find work and the work life balance for my partner and my daughter with trying to work weekends but it is so hard.

I come from Auckland NZ, I've been here since 2000 and haven't been back home for a few years. I'm excited to see my eldest sister as she has gone through a terrible divorce and she couldn't make it to my wedding in July last year as she was in hospital. She went in for a bad all over rash and ended up getting the hospital flu so doctors wouldn't let her fly to Fiji where I got married. Can't wait to see her and give her a massive hug, I know I will cry when I do but they will be happy tears.

I understand what you were saying about how all the years seem to meld into one and just keep going. It is like a non-stop roller coaster and so often we are left with the old expression (If only time could stand still for a while)

Whatever your plans for this carry on with 2016 I hope it brings you much happiness and many of your own personal goals succeeded and achieved.

Where in NZ did you go to, my family live in Mission Bay along the waterfront.

Kind Regards

Durras

X

[Guest_2350]

Dear Sherie,

Thank you for thinking of me.

Hope you are ok, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Durras,

Thank you for the update. I am so glad that you had some nice moments with your family and you have some good plans for the new year, well done! 

Also enjoy New Zealand! I have never been there but everyone tells me it is beautiful and that it would remind me of home with the mountains there.

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

how are you feeling? I have not asked you that in a while. Are you back at work yet? How was the second time in the gym? I believe that patience is everything when we injured ourselves. Are you doing more comps this winter? When do you have to start serious training & dieting for the comps?

Your xmas and new year sounds to my liking. Not doing much, not rushing much and just enjoying each others company. 

What is your favourite board game? I used to love playing cards, yatzee and backgammon. Have not played for ages though. The kids loved playing Naughts and Crosses, Snakes and Ladders and Memory - I loved that too. I don't like Monopoly (too long!) or Trivia (don't know anyhting about movies, sports, famous people...). I think I should play the odd game again, it used to be fun!

Our memories will never fade and sometimes all we can do is tell our kids the old stories, sometimes again and again until they cannot heard them anymore, but I need to say, that I am nowadays amazed, what kind of wisdom our kids recite since they have grown up, that they learnt through story telling alone.

What are your favourite freezer meals? I am trying to cook a little more often now, made a yummy slow cooked leg of lamb yesterday, first time in the slow cooker. When I was still training some of my favourite freezer snacks were sweet potato - egg - mince meat patties or all different varieties of meatballs and hard boiled eggs or banana with peanut butter. 

Have you set any goals for the new year? I am trying to focus on baby steps and being kind to myself.

Going back to reality this week has impacted me a bit on the weekend. I did a lot of walking, breathing and distracting myself. I remembered what you said to me before my last work trip to India and tried to focus that I will be able to do this job, because I am able and I have done it for years. But still the doubt remains, whether I can still cope, whether I should not just give up. But I essentially like my job and I like that I can actually influence things and make people's lives better. 

I have decided to write a diary with all the things that I achieve every day, I hope that will give me some confidence back.

I am also thinking of seeing my GP before going to the psych, I am just so worried. But I know I need to talk to someone, I cannot hide under my doona or run away from my thoughts for the rest of my life.

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I’m going along ok – I think perhaps because I’ve had almost two weeks off for the Christmas/New Year break – though back at work now.

Now had 2 sessions back at gym so am back into the swing of things with that also;  of course will be careful but it’s good to be hitting the muscles again. 

Next comp won’t be till next Spring.  My serious training happens all year around.  When I train I give it everything every session, so the serious side of things with weights is every workout.  Dieting, I’m going to start doing that properly a month earlier this year, early April to give me a month more prep time.  If I didn’t drink beer in the off-season I wouldn’t need that much time, but I do & I enjoy it so I need that extra time to get rid of all the excess that doesn’t seem to like to leave my body.

I have a mate who’s big time into board games & he’s introduced me into a great game which is called “Ticket To Ride” – you can get different versions.  The American version is probably the best – & for Christmas I received (or the family received) the European version.  Slightly different format, but is still awesome.  Quick précis;  you get cards with destinations on them & then you need to build your own train track between those destinations in order to earn points.  That’s a very short description of it, but it’s very good.  We also got another game – Code Names which is a lot of fun.

I don’t like Monopoly much;  can be a very aggressive kind of game when others build up houses etc & you don’t have the cash.  I know it’s only a game, but it can be quite a defeatist kind of one.

That’s such a massive positive for you re: your work.  That should never be under-valued as to how crucial that is & I’m also thinking that you are good at your job as well – which is something you need to tell your inner self also.  Those are huge things Yggy.  Being able to influence things & make people’s lives better – that is amazing & I’m so glad that you were able to tell me these things.  Please be putting things like this down in your diary, which by the way is awesome that you’re doing.

My daughter is doing a daily diary and I hope you can both maintain it.

I think getting back to your doc is a good thing as well – when you get this opportunity, grab it.  Cause I know that even getting to my doc can be an effort in itself.

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear Durras

I sure hope that this year is able to pan out for you a lot more comfortably and you being able to find that work-life balance for yourself and particularly, your daughter.  Just being able to accomplish that, I’m sure will be a massive boost for yourself.  I think also that because of the struggles you encountered last year, this could in a way be helpful for you to move forward – as you know all the crap that was dealt you and I really hope that the worst of that is behind you.  So you may now be able to concentrate of finding positive ways to get things to be more settled and in a fashion where you are able to find that relationship again with your daughter.

I can picture the meeting you’ll have with your sister when you catch up – I imagine it’ll be a very emotional but very beautiful moment and I have no doubt it’ll extend into a wonderful time that you’ll be able to be together again.

I kind of ‘cheated’ a little with my holiday account of NZ.  We did a cruise a couple of years ago and went from Sydney and around NZ for a fortnight.  It was awesome.  Such a very pretty place and all the places we saw, we really enjoyed and the people were so friendly and accommodating.  One place that sticks in my mind is a little place called Akaroa – picturesque. 

We went up the Auckland tower and saw the adrenaline junkies do the bungee off the top of it – quite incredible stuff.

Cheers

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I am glad you are feeling a little better. I agree that some time off has helped. How are you feeling back at work? 3 days in and I feel exhausted. It has not even been 3 stressful days. I don't have the opportunity to nap during the day, hopefully I just need to adjust again. 

How are your muscles? I'm impressed that you have no off season training wise. I'm trying to get more pleasure into my activities and taking it less serious, but I remember how good it felt when I knocked down training session after training session. I miss that focus. 

I have to look at "ticket to ride" sounds like a cool board game. I wonder if they have an African version. 

I try to focus on the positive aspects at work, but it is very stressful as well. There is nothing else I would rather do, apart from winning a million and not going to work, and I don't feel that I should make any decisions at the moment anyhow, so I stay put. I do worry about losing my job due to my illness, but I guess I would have to deal with this if it ever happens, when it happens.

I have sooooooo many positives in my life. I sometimes wonder if I should not just focus all my energy on focussing on the positives - but then I guess that got me here in the first place... Confused as ever, but I do know that I have a lot going for me and it is good to write those down with my thought challenging. 

I am also wondering about the label depression, PTSD, anxiety. Do I really think of recovery? Will there be recovery or is it more living with the consequences of my life experiences? No matter how much I talk about it, my experiences will not be wiped out (and some I would not want to have wiped out) so is it not more a way of learning how to live with myself than finding a cure and recovering? Accepting myself the way I am with all my feelings and thoughts?

Got to rush to a meeting now x

Big hugs, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

The opportunity to nap – is that due to having sleep issues?  Perhaps not enough good sleep?   But then again, it’s always hard to get that to be a happy medium isn’t it – if there’s things at night that we “enjoy” doing and so it can keep us up later – it then catches up with us by making us tired the next day.  This might not even be the case, perhaps I’m speaking personally here at the moment.

The sessions have been going pretty good – a lot shorter than my usual sessions, in both time and intensity, as I’m being careful, easing back in;  but at this point, all things are heading in a positive direction.  I’m getting that good DOMS feeling in the day(s) after my workouts, which at least tells me, the muscles were worked harder than they are used too.  So now it’s up to the little bugga’s to grow – there comes into play the nutrition side of things and rest;  for we grow while we sleep.  I could wax on about this for ages, but will stop for now.

I do hope that at some stage in your future, your near future, that you may be able to find “that” keenness, “that” enthusiasm to get back into training again – little things to start with, and who knows.  Just a thought.

I think if you do a google search on Ticket To Ride, it shows up a whole host of different varieties of it.  And for a minimum of 4 players, the game Code Name is a very interesting one as well.  Very easy and simple to play and really makes the whole grey matter work a bit.  Good fun.

Yggy, you know your last para made all the sense in the world.  We create our own lives with the choices we make – and then because of those life experiences, we then have to live with those.  Be they good, amazing, horrible, tragic, terrible, funny, sad, etc – and then it is our own minds that then will create how we move forward, sideways or backwards from those events.  I think the mediocre stuff generally gets forgotten or shunted to the back, but it is the major changing events that come to our forefront and more often than not, it is the bad that dominates (us).

I guess that’s the whole crux of the situation – other people perhaps have the ability to move on from the mediocre and the bad;  to enjoy the good things and then to see what’s next around the corner.  We who live with our illness, dwell on the bad and when the next bad thing comes along, it’s added to our list.

Neil