Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Guest_2350]

 Dear Neil,

I guess we are all used to wearing a mask that it feels unnatural not to. Even in these forums. You mentioned to me before about "my thread" - that already indicated to me that you were mindful not to offload on "my thread". I am glad you accepted my invitation to make this a thread where we could both share and take off our mask - this is really important for me. 

You are not ok? You are welcome to be honest here. I talked to my Mum yesterday. My Mum is not ok. She is learning to tell me that she is not ok. She does not want me to worry and she feels weak and she always wanted to be strong. But she is not. She is frail and she has a mental illness. It has taken her so many decades to let go. She only just started telling me when she is feeling low - although I could tell the signs. December is a difficult month with xmas coming up and the memories rolling in and the stark reminder that nothing will ever be as it was. The large happy family gatherings with the grandparents, parents, uncles & aunties and cousins. She is not ok. I am not ok. You are not ok. And we have the right to say this. 

I honestly hope that your daughter is getting caught up in the characters of her TV shows and I think that is beautiful. She will not only cry with her favourite characters  but also celebrate and feel happy. It is the same when we get lost in a book, in any story line. 

For me TV or external event can trigger past events. I watch TV very conscious of content. I do not watch the news, read newspapers, I carefully select movies and TV shows. Lately I cannot even watch nature programs as I cannot cope with the reality of people having an interest in seeing blood thirsty scenes, where baby animals get eaten or die - the sadistic nature of humanity who get thrills out of bad news and terrible events. I am glad my husband is fully aware of this and let's me chose what I want to watch, which is very limited. 

When do you think you can go back to the gym, how long will the diagnosis still take?

Footwear 🙂 Vibram 5-fingers I cannot wear because of my odd shape of feet. My favourite shoe brands are Leguano and Vivo Barefoot. I started with Innov-8 but they have too much support for me. I take the inlays out of the Vivo. The Leguano are the best, I feel like walking with socks on! It takes a while but your feet build strength and strong skin. Bindis are a big turn off in summer!

Do you meditate?

Big hugs, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Yes, we’ve got that ‘my thread’ issue all done & dusted now –  you’ve also seen me express some of my concerns here as well, so that’s all good.  So continuing on from that theme, I’ve just written to my partner saying about how I’ve developed this pain in the back of my neck, kind of at the top of the spine & makes for head movement to be very restricted.  I think I need a big ‘grease & oil’ change at some special physio to get a lot of my kinks & other things ironed out.  But that all involves that sometimes evil word, money.  Evil when you don’t have much of it, but gee, when you have some, I really believe it does make things so much better (& easier).

They say that money can’t buy happiness.  Well, if I had some I’d give it a damn good lash.

Yes, the large family Christmas gatherings for some of us are no longer.  I guess now they’re memories of times gone by.

Oh yes, she sure does with regard to her shows;   stemming from that, she’s sat with me for a couple of my shows,  we’ve done it vice versa as well & it’s awesome.  She’s also put me onto some of her bands that she enjoys listening to as well, which is something very special.

She’s also got quite the pet emporium at home;  not only our own dog, but also my Mum’s little one;  we have two bunnies, fish, a budgie, but only one chook left.  We did have four.  So we’ve lost three, we’ve lost one bunnie & about 3 budgies over the time as well.  It’s those times that are very hard – because the love she has for her pets is massive, so it really hits her hard.  At those times, it’s nigh on impossible not to be affected as well.

That’s very interesting that you say that about tv shows, etc – for we don’t (or extremely rarely) watch the news;  because we all know what’s going to be main news items (unless it’s a very slow week for terrible tragedies).  Stemming from this, our kids are never overly involved in that sort of thing;  but will rather catch up on any major news events on the interweb.  I mostly read the newspaper from back to front, but generally I’m only interested in the middle section (raceguide).  🙂

I’ll find out tomorrow about my shoulder & will take it from there.

Nope, I don’t meditate – have tried but it felt silly.  I just couldn’t get my head around it & the whole concept of it.

Thanx for the rundown of the runners – I pronate badly, so need to find appropriate shoes to support this.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

good luck with your shoulder appointment today! I do hope that you will be able to progress quickly once the diagnosis is in.

People who say money does not make happy, are only correct when they talk about abundent money.  If you cannot pay your bills, care for your children, look after your health etc. it eats on your basic needs for existence. I do believe however, that I am in charge of my life style. One of the hardest things to teach our children was to live within their means. In a society where everyone wants everything right now and sneaky credits are available in every single store, people get drawn into the cycle of spending money on luxury items they do not really require. We had to watch our children through some tough lessons, but they are starting to understand. My husband and I had nothing when we started, lived out of a car, got furniture from Vinnies and clothes from the second hand market, I even remember a winter when we were subsidised with food, but we lived and we were happy. And yes, we were young and had no care in the world - that helped.

Unfortunately our health at times requires both investment in time and money. I have learnt the hard way, that if I do not maintain my body, my body will eventually go on strike. Although there are some life style choices I can make, I do require constant treatments to keep my engine well oiled and maintained. The good thing is that my therapists now know me long enough to see when things are getting out of whack, so they can intervene in time. I am currently back on weekly treatments, which is very annoying, but if I don't do it, I might not be working at all - and then the money problems will eventually become worse.

Please remember that you can get a care plan for the physio, that can help with the expenses. Have you tried alternative therapies? My treatments are a mix of traditional and alternative and I have found a good combination for myself - but it took a very long time to find suitable practitioners and it is expensive.

Do not feel discouraged if you pronate badly, I had orthotics all my life for flat feet & pronating and I changed to barefoot. I am not back to my natural state, but my feet are much more healthy. I still have to work on a couple of toes that are misaligned and some of my joints are restricted, but I am getting there. I always knew it would not be a quick fix.

Running out of words, but thinking the same of meditation which I just started.

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Hi there Yggy

It’s been a while since I’ve asked:  “How are you going?”   Because after all, this post commenced with things being not so flash for you.  I’m just wondering that during that time, how things have been for you along the journey?

I know you’ve had at least two trips during that were cause for some stress and concern and we got through those – and if my memory serves me, you’ve got another one coming up to go and see your son, yes?  Oh please don’t tell me that you’ve already had that trip, cause that’ll really let me know that my brain memory function is just about kaput.

Just thinking out loud here … but where you wrote about where it took a long time to find suitable practitioners – time and money;  and that’s for us, needing to seek out professionals to treat us.  “We”, “us”, have to do it – we who are doing it tough inside our heads anyway, have then got to get up the inner strength to reach out and seek out further help for us.  It actually sounds like I’m whinging a bit here, but it doesn’t seem right or fair.  But I guess, if we don’t do it, then who will?

Rant over.

Back to being normal Neil now.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Hi Neil,

how was your appointment? I hope you had good news!

Are you having time off over xmas? Are you coming onto the forum from time to time? I will have a couple of weeks off and I am looking forward to having a break without any travel and no big plans. I need a rest. I will still be on the forums though.

I have been ok. The medication is helping and I think knowing that I will not see the psych for a while helps too. I know this sounds weird, but I am still so scared to scrape the surface. I think avoidance has been a very helpful technique for me over the decades, but as we are starting to break down the walls, I get terrified of what we may find. You said the other day, it is good that I know my limits, it may be so, but it makes it so hard to open up. If I stay within my limits, I will never be able to change. How do you push your limits?

In the course I am learning about unhelpful thoughts and listening to myself is pretty horrible. Not only do I treat myself pretty merciless and in a rough language, but I also set the bar incredibly high for myself. Have you ever done a course like that? I have been shocked at times to listen to my inner dialogue.

I have already been on my last trip for this year. My mind is kaput anyway, so I don't worry about memory - mine is shocking too! I wonder if that is a side effect of depression or medication?

Your daughter sound very caring and loving. I am glad you have a lovely relationship with her. It is great that she has so many pets but unfortunately they can break your heart when they leave us.

You are not whinging when talking about a medical system where a person with mental problems has to go through the big task of finding the right psych, carer, meds... Everything about that makes me mad and frustrated. Not only do we have to find someone we click with, then we have to try various medication and various doses to figure out if the benefits outweigh the side effects... If we have to change meds, it is a lengthy progress and overall there is no time line on when we will see results. The whole process is sufficient to get you depressed. I still feel it is so unfair, but I guess that is not a helpful thought.

I have been very tired lately and I have a couple of side effect from the meds that annoy me, but it is better than being in a constant downwards spiral.

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Appointment went well – ultrasounded and found to have a substantial build up of bursitis in the shoulder region, so they prepped me and got me settled and then injected me with cortisone into the affected area.  I’ve got a fair number of tatts, but needles still make me feel aaarrrrggggghhh and ouch.  Keep the eyes closed and it didn’t last long.  At this point in time, it’s coming along really well.  No pain, which is awesome;  but the big test will be when I go back to the gym;   which they said I could pretty much anytime from now, but to be aware of different movements, etc.

I told my bro last night that I went for an ultrasound and he said congrats, how long to go and is it a girl or boy.  Honestly, he “does” think he’s funny from time to time.  🙂

I’m working up till Christmas eve and then will be back on 4th January, so just a work shutdown period between the two key hols.

As you may know, I don’t usually get on the forums on the weekends … kind of have a break to freshen up for the following week.  But when the hols come around, I might venture in here from time to time.

How about you, with Christmas and forums?  That’s the crucial thing and I’m glad you mentioned it – “I need a rest”.  Make every effort to make that happen.  And don’t think I’m just saying that – I will ask.  🙂

With regard to me, I still hold things back – I haven’t fully extended my full story out loud.  I’ve written it up in my life story and have really gone heavy with that, but with my appointments, I’ve pushed limits, but not to the full degree.  Having just thought about that now, perhaps it’s something to consider for the future.  I think with regard to limit pushing, for me it just happened – I got to a point where I had to let it out, I had to open up and get it out as I was feeling so overwhelmed.  But to answer about the limits thing, it has to be a personal thing.

I also think it comes down to the trust, relationship and repour you have with your psych.  The better you get on, I think the easier it is to open up cause you really don’t want to be opening up to someone who you feel ‘won’t have your back’ after. 

That course doesn’t sound overly helpful at all.  Can’t say I’ve done anything like that, and I just wonder what positives there are for you at the end of it?

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I am so glad to hear your appointment went well! So when are you venturing back to the gym? You have to keep me in the loop, as it is so easy to be scared of going back and which movements are ok... that in my experience it can be quite intimidating to get back. So good luck and the sooner you get back even to light workouts the better? Your brother's got a good sense of humour - at least even I get it! I am so bad at jokes, that my husband makes sure I understand the jokes on TV and at work people actually tell me if they are joking, so I don't feel offended.

I am glad you have some time off over the holidays. For me rest is a double edged sword. If I don't get rest, I am exhausted and in a bad mood, if I do get rest, I can get depressed from too much time to think... The weekend was a little tough. I cancelled another xmas party and then felt sorry for myself, that no one even missed me and sent me a photo. I cancelled a call with a friend and my mum, and am embarrassed that I did. I am just embarrassed to be myself to be honest. How can I have so much in life, and feel so lost - I've been feeling worse again since challenging my thoughts. I feel even more stupid now, because the stuff I am telling myself has little true background, apart from me always feeling so little self worth. I said to my GP the other day, that  I feel like a complete failure, and I could see the shock in his face.

I am impressed that you have written your life story. There are parts in my life that I am too scared to even think about. There are some hard limits for me that I may never talk about. It could be the root of all evil, but when I think about letting that out, all I can feel is me losing control on very thin ice, in the middle of a deep lake, and it is freezing cold. And I mean this metaphorically - but I guess with the background that I did crush through ice once when I was a kid. Very freigthening experience. I feel like my whole world might cave in and crush me.

I understand the point, when there is nothing left, but to start talking... Some months ago I knew that I would not survive this if I did not change the way I kept everything bottled up. But it is a long way and a lot of layers to peel away.

What positives are at the end of it? I don't know. I am freightened that there may be no positives and I just drift away in depression. I think I just want to heal, take that little girl in my arms and let her cry until she feels better.

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Am aiming to get back to the gym this week;  but first need to fix up membership & get medical certificate, all the red tape stuff done.

Hearing you loud & clear with the time off & resting situation – much needed rest Vs too much time for a depressed person to think.

Now, just because no-one called you or sent you a photo does not mean that you were not missed.  You would have been thought of by at least every person who knows you & who went themselves.  The fact that you weren’t there, would have caused them to stop even for a short while to wonder & hope that you are ok.

Yggy, you are you.  You are your own person & you have amazing traits & personality – I have learnt that through a fair number of posts backwards & forwards now – you are one lovely, caring & warm person.  You’ve raised a family & been able to do that successfully from what I’ve gathered along the way – that is one mean feat;  I think as parent’s that is what we all strive & hope to be able to do, to be able to raise & bring into this world a person who will be a well adjusted & responsible person.  Again, from what I’ve gauged, you’ve done this.

What I’m getting at here Yggy is that you have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed at all.  You had to cancel a call – yes, you did it but it wasn’t you who did it – it was the illness that made you cancel.  You’ve mentioned lack of self-worth & also the other big one that this illness wants us to believe, that we are complete failures.  Classic comments from this mongrel black dog that we have nipping at our heals.  It makes us not want to go places, not want to talk to people & as a result of that, it tells us how useless & hopeless we are.

I’m glad you’ve mentioned this, because you have got to know that this is not true Yggy.  It’s a tough period that you’re dealing with & maybe right now, this challenging aspect that you’re setting up, may need to be tweaked just a little.  Tweak it down so you set yourself much more smaller goals – ones that you can achieve & then you can throw that middle finger up at the dog & tell it to go & get well & truly as you completed a goal.

I think if there’s a way that you can grab hold of that little girl & cradle her & comfort her & tell her that everything IS going to be ok, that’s what you should try & do.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

thank you. Your post made me cry.

I am trying to focus. I listen to the rain and I am glad it is raining, we needed rain. And it is beautiful rain, nice and gentle, not bucketing down. The earth has time to soak it up. I can feel my parrot preening me and being very quiet on my shoulder. He always knows when I am upset. I am hot. I can hear some birds and a bit of traffic. I am spotting yellow things. I am breathing consciously. I can hear the wind.

I want to work on challenging some of my beliefs this afternoon, but like you said, small progress. I will work on one belief this afternoon - no one likes me - and then discuss it with my psych later today. Baby steps.

I think what makes me more upset is that I am a really good mentor, trainer and coach for engineers and I have done this for many years. I am a good teacher. And yet, I do everything wrong when it comes to myself. I have never in my life talked to anyone the way I talk to myself.

Neil, thank you for being here for me. I will write more later. Now I will just focus on challenging that one thought. Thank you x

[Gruffudd]

Yggy, I am another who values what you have to say, there is always something worthwhile in what you have to offer. I was just wondering given that you are a good teacher if you could take on the challenge of teaching yourself - I had to do that and it was worth it for me. I challenged myself to do better every time I was being hard on myself and made myself reword and refocus on what I do well and what I can do.