Disconnected

[Guest_2350]

I am travelling in my home countries at the moment with a lot of friends and family and I am feeling so disconnected, it is weird to explain. This should be such a happy time and we have planned this trip for so long! I enter memory lane from time to time and I only sometimes feel present, when I hug loved ones. Then it is all gone again. I must make all the right moves, as apart from my husband no one has commented on my solemn mood. 

I just want the holiday to be over. I wonder where all the years have gone. I know now that I have run away from all the memories and I don't really want to be here. I want to be where I feel safe, where I feel no hassle. I have just stopped understanding myself. I just don't make sense.I have been feeling the clouds closing in the last few days, is there nothing I can do to stop this downward spiral?

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mrs Dools, Dear Neil,

 Neil, is that a new photo of Tess? She looks gorgeous! Your tattoo must be coming up, I hope it is all you wished for!

 Mrs. Dools, I am sorry to hear you had a tough time with your husband m, but I hope he will feel better soon.

What a terrible experience to hit a kangaroo, I can understand how distressed you feel about that, it makes me sad when I see dead animals on the side of the road. 

How are you preparing your home for bush fire season? We live in the country side bt there is not really much around us so I have never "prepared" for bush fire season. It must be very dry where you are. It has been raining here and the grass is knee high - our sheep don't seem to be able to keep up!

What are you studying?

I am glad I am back from India, no offence to India, but I am just not myself. I used to love exploring and this time I chose to stay in a darkened hotel room instead of exploring outside during the day. Sometimes I just cannot recognise the woman I am today. 

Take care, Yggy xox

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy and Mrs Dools

Just on the Melbourne Cup issue – and my Dad and me not following what would have been one of my Dad’s definite bets and one of his loves, my mind is screwing badly with me on this.   Really badly as it’s telling me that what a pathetic useless son I’ve continued to be – that I have strayed away from my Dad and his loves;  even though when only shortly after he passed, I would have a little wager on his “racing loves”.  But for some reason, I decided not to and it hurt me.  It still does – it’s really hard to describe, but there it is – another weighing anchor.

Oh and in regard to the anchors – I’m not in water with them.  I’m dragging mine over-land.

Mrs Dools, I too am sorry about the accident you had and the demise of the roo – but I’m so very pleased that you escaped ok.  And it’s not as though you set out to hit the roo;  it’s just one of those very unfortunate accidents – and so much to do with timing.

Yggy, did I read right, that you are now back home again?   Was your trip, a bit less than a week?  I’m sorry, I’m getting a bit confused with time and days, etc.

Well, my tatt is now here and I’m “very” proud of it.  However, oh lord, how this one hurt – it is pretty much the entire section from underneath my left pec;  so commencing on the ribs and it goes down to almost my belt line.  It is text and the text is from a song (and band) that my daughter thought would be something special and very much linked with me and who I am and what I fight every day.

The band is called “Black Veil Brides” (and I must say, that after listening to them, I really love their music); and the song is called “Devil In The Mirror”.  My tatt is quite large font and in the style of Edwardian script – I’ll try to attach it like Edwardian here and hopefully it converts through;  I know that sometimes conversions of text don’t always work;  and if not, it’s a flowy, running writing style:

“I can’t take it anymore

Every day feels like a war

The devil in the mirror

Screaming that my heart is flawed

I’m never gonna let you win

No I will not surrender

Even if I start to fall

I swear to you I’ll rise again”

It’s awesome.

Neil

Ps:  yes, that is an updated photo of little Tess – quite recently shaved to help her cope with the upcoming warmer weather.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

first I listened to the song (it is powerful!) and then I read about the band. One statement stays with me: "We carry a message of believing in yourself and letting no one tell you  otherwise. We stand up for the underdog and the disenfranchised. Anything strange, odd, or unique… we embrace that. So basically standing up for yourself; have fun and live your life how you choose. You only have one life, make the most of it." Again powerful words. I think I might have to listen to a few more of their songs.

The Edwardian scipt did not come out, but I checked out the style- it must look absolutely awesome!

Neil, I don't know what  your relationship with your father was like, so I cannot comment on what your Dad would say to you. For me you do not seem pathetic nor useless. You seem like a very caring person and you give so much of your time and help other people. You also seem to have a loving relationship with your daugther and you love your mum's little dog. I think your Dad would be proud of you from the little bits that I know about you.

As for doing things to remember your Dad, like betting on his favourites. I used to have my own little things to remember my Dad, like celebrating his birthday, keeping favourite bits and pieces, trying to preserve my memories. Over the years I have coped differently, from crying every day to ignoring the feeling, to being terribly angry. I have gone through phases of chucking out the old and making space for the new - quite a few memorabilities left my world in the process. Nothing that I keep nor any custom I maintain will ever bring my Dad back. Nothing will ever make the loss easier. Sometimes I am angry with everything that reminds me of him. It is not his fault, but it is not mine either. I am the one who has to cope now. He is gone. He cannot tell me he is proud, but he cannot tell me either if he thinks I am doing something wrong. I am on my own now, he is gone.  Try to listen to what your daughter says. Is she proud of you? Try to focus on the happiness Tess gives you back. They should count. They can smile and they can cry - they are still here. I have no idea if you can understand what I am trying to say and I don'tknow if it will help you, I just hope it does a little bit.

You're correct about the trip, I arrived Wednesday afternoon and left Saturday morning - my trips are generally pretty short.

Take care Neil and please stay in touch. I hope the mail made sense & does not offend you. Yggy xox

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

I wrote a response and then pasted it into the slot for the new post and it came back and told me I was 791 words OVER the limit.  Oops, me thinks I got way too carried away.  I then tried to break it down, but felt that it wouldn’t do it justice.  So I’ll supply this one instead.

First and foremost, you did not offend me with your post.  I appreciate all posts and replies you’ve ever sent to me and this one was another lovely expression by yourself.

I had wonderful relationships with both my parents – and I miss them both terribly.  But as you rightly said, nothing can be done to ever bring them back (in your case, your Dad).  They’re gone and that’s the bottom line.  It’s just so final.  I know when my brother died in 1991, I even tried pretending he went overseas and that he would come back – I tried everything to think that maybe it was just a dream;  but the reality was it was a horrible nightmare;  a living and real nightmare.  He died when he was 29yo and I was 25yo – he died as he drowned in a river;  I was with him and I made horrible and wrong choices and I failed to save him.  He was also my best mate.

This screwed with me from that day on and it affects me each and every day.  That he died because of me;  and nothing can ever change that.

So I miss him, I miss him dearly.  And so now I’ve got my bro, my Dad and my Mum;  all gone;  nothing left of them, but memories.  The odd little piece of memorabilia here and there and for me, they mean an awful lot to me.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your Dad – it was wonderful to journey with you in that.

But it’s the mind, it’s the depression, it’s the ptsd that reveals itself all hideous and ugly and tells me that I’m not worthy and while I hear others tell me it’s not so, if you get told something over and over again, it affects you badly.  I’m getting told over and over again by my demons that I’m unworthy and so much more.

I feel this one is getting to its limit too soon, so I’d best send this now.

Thank you Yggy

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I really appreciate you sharing more insight into your past – I can feel how difficult it must be for you to discuss your experience. I have lost people very close to me and in
disturbing circumstances, but I cannot fathom the pain and depth of your feelings for losing your brother. I am sure that no blame lies with you for making the decisions you made and I am sure no one can and should judge you for decisions you made in such grave circumstances. No one can know for sure how they would react and what split second decision they would make being put in the same situation under the same pressure. Nevertheless I can believe that the doubts would never leave you and I am sorry that you have to drag such a massive anchor around with you. This has changed your life and the memories will always be haunting you – I have memories that changed my life and I can remember those moments as if they are happening right now, including all the physical sensations.

But I can also imagine that your brother would want you to be happy. If you were the one who died, what would you say to your brother? Remember that there is nothing that would bring you back. Remember that you were best mates. Would you blame him? Would you want him to be happy? Would you want him to make the best of the life he has? Would you want him to move on?

You said that you were thinking about seeing your psych again. How do you get on with your psych? Can you discuss this with your psych? How does your psych help you?

For me my journey is still very much at the beginning and I have no idea how my psych will help me with my memories and my losses. I would think that it is all about the focus on the present, the past cannot be changed, right?

Big hugs, Yggy x

[Doolhof]

Hi Neil and Yggy and anyone else reading these posts,

It really can be a difficult thing to know how to feel and acknowledge the death of loved ones.

There have been people in my life who have died due to cancer, car accidents, suicide and then the loss of our babies who didn't even get the chance to live in the first place.

It can be so terribly hard for those of us who are left behind and feel that person's demise so strongly.

The weird thing with grief is that strategies that might help one day, won't help at all the following day! Some days I cope really well when people ask me why we don't have children, other days I tear up. Some days I still can't look at baby clothes in the shops other days I love to wander down those aisles and look at all the adorable outfits.

I planted special roses here in memory of our babies and my dearest friend who died from cancer, some days I adore those roses other days I want to dig them up.

Grief and sadness are all a part of our lives. We all react differently. We may be able to find people who try to understand and comprehend how  we are feeling, but they will never be able to walk in our shoes or totally understand what makes us tick.

For me the best thing is to keep the love in my heart for those whom I miss and to try to make the most of the opportunities I have with new people in my life.

Wishing you both peace with your memories.

Cyber hugs from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Yggy,

At present I am studying a course called "Home and Community Care" in relation to my work. I am fascinated by some of the material we are covering. I have just completed a module on sustainability with in the client's home! Now I am working on one containing all kinds of medical terminology!

I'm going to the TAFE today to see if I can borrow a medical dictionary!

A couple of years ago our town was nearly wiped out by a bushfire. It was only about one kilometre from town when the wind changed direction, the fire front changed course and there were over 50 fire trucks on the highway trying to put the fire out before it reached the town.

I'm trying to encourage my husband to clean out the gutters. They should have been done months ago as they are full of leaves. If embers land in the gutters the house could be lost.

I have been cleaning up a lot of the dead grass and weeds and trimming the dead branches off trees and bushes. The olive trees are also being pruned up to a metre off the ground to allow for a clearer vision. We mainly have grass fires here as there is little tree growth.

The fire front a couple of years ago was clocked at 90 kilometres an hour. The fire trucks couldn't keep up in the hilly and rocky terrain. People in the town are all trying to prepare their land and to reduce the amount of burnable material around the place.

I would have liked to have joined in the fire training last night, but my back is playing up with muscle spasms and causing me a lot of pain. They were taking the trucks out into a paddock to practise fire fighting techniques.

I'm really frustrated with the pain I am in right now. It is so limiting! Just like depression can be at times I suppose! I still have a lot to be thankful for so I will think of those things.

Cheerio for now, from Mrs. Dools

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

The past can’t be changed;  what has happened is locked in forever and it’s from those things that does for a lot of us, shape our future.  While some people have the ability to have been affected by tragedies and the like, they are able to pick up things and move on.  Whether they do this while still hurting a hell of a lot inside, I don’t know, but I know of people who have been able to do this.

For people like myself, I’ve been for the most part, unable to do that.  Sure, I’ve created my own beautiful family, have a job, a very nice home, etc but I live with pain, guilt and sadness every day.  Some days it weighs in not so heavily and things are ok in that regard;  but just because that side of things is seemingly ‘under control’, there’ll then be ‘another anchor’ or issue that drags me down.

Sometimes I think it’s as though my mind doesn’t want me to be happy.

I’ll share something really horrible here;  seeing as that’s been the theme of my posts over the past little while.  About a month after my Mum passed, myself and my other two remaining brothers (but you’ll understand that after hearing this, I now consider myself to have only one brother – the other one is dead to me) got together at Mum’s house to try and sort out things there.  Inside of 15 minutes, I heard from “that” brother’s wife that she hates me and blames me for the death of my bro and went on with so much more – her husband, my “other” brother, stood beside and grinned, pretty much.  I was beside myself, shocked and stunned by this.  Fortunately I had my partner and my good bro there and they helped me get through that barrage of verbal abuse.

The really piss weak thing about it, is they chose to do it “after” both parents had passed – just so there estate benefits would still be intact;   I know Mum and Dad would be absolutely horrified at what transpired and what has continued to happen since that time;  but that’s why they did it then – just a cowardly, weak and gutless thing to do.   It’s just so sad that he’s linked with me through blood lines.

So there you have it, there’s now 3 people who blame me for the drowning tragedy;   as well as myself, those two waste of oxygen imbiciles are in that same queue as well.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I read your message yesterday and I am appalled, disgusted, speechless... blood relatives can turn in any direction, it happens so often and it is horrible to witness and worse to experience. I still stand to my words that I said previously, no one can or should judge on decisions that were made in an emergency situation. I am so sorry to know that you had to go through this and about the daily pain you are carrying with you.

You say that your mind does not want you to be happy. Do you remember how you felt in your earlier days? When I think about how I was "before", I remember carefree, light, innocent, safe, I had not experienced grief, hurt, loss, danger. My life took three serious bad turns, when I was still a child, when I was a young teenager and then in my mid twenties. All of these chipped away on the light happiness I used to experience. Emotionally I am different to how I was and I am different to everyone else around me, but I can still experience my own way of happiness - not light happiness, perhaps more contentment. I also try to focus on the people who love me and who show me daily how much they love me. These people love me just the way I am, just the way I have always been, with my serious face, with my tears, with my nightmares, with all my weirdness. I have been called introvert, asperger, unsocial... but there are people who love me - so there must be something good in me. That's why I asked you to try and focus on your daughter and everyone else who wants to spend time with you in this life, even little Tess - I have a pet too and I get a lot of pleasure spending time with my pet.  The past will never leave us and for some of us, the past will not give us any joy. I might remember a nice moment, and then the grief or anger hits me. That is for me the problem with PTSD, you want to forget about the horrible past, but you forget all the good as well.

Remember I am here for you, whenever you need to talk. Take care, hugs from Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

May I ask – have you ever thought about taking up counselling?  I mean that totally seriously – your responses are so well thought out and meaningful;  thank you so much for your insights and replies.

I know, most everyone who has heard what happened is likewise feeling the exact same way – he’s always been “not quite right” and the wife is the nastiest piece of work you could ever run into – so in a way, they’re very suited to each other.  But enough about them – they’re still making issues still with the ongoing estate.  The three brothers are all co-executors, so it’s rather messy when you consider that one of them refuses to speak with the other two.

During my schooling I was never clever and only did well at one thing – sport.  So I was always on the back foot with regard to most aspects of schooling and I think that did not help me with being confident or skilled around people – and so also living on a farm, it helped being there so I could withdraw and be by myself a lot.

Then when my brother died, I was 25yo.  I was at a stage then, that I had a job, a fiancé, a nice car and things were going fairly good at that stage;  you know the old term;  feeling 10 foot tall and bullet proof.  Then it all crashed down – losing my best mate, he died and so much of me inside died also.  I kept my car, I kept my job (though, don’t know how);  but my fiancé left – and I don’t blame her, as I could barely look after myself, let alone care about anyone else.

Then the hurt and loss I saw that it all caused to my parents – it almost aged them overnight & left them with a gaping hole in their lives as well.  I know they never blamed me & were grateful that I didn’t lose my life that day also, but I know that if it wasn’t for me, he’d still be here.  He wouldn’t have gone to the river, and Yggy, I could go on and on, as I have done in the past (not on this site), but this is what lives also with me.  Not only the horror of the actual experience, something I’ll never forget, but also all the many repercussions from it – kind of like an epidemic that spreads from one thing, place or person, to another, etc.

That was also a key thing you wrote – with ptsd & depression mixed in, that you want to forget the horrible things from the past, but you can’t;  but the good is forgotten - another example of why mental illnesses are so bad & living with them is its own horrible nightmare.

Kind regards

Neil